Nanarchy

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RED DWARF - SERIES 7

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EPISODE 8 -- NANARCHY

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Version 0.7

18-26 March, 1997

Raz / raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk

http://www.mushroom.demon.co.uk

Credits for corrections:

Sea, Annette McIntosh

[-- 1 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------------]

KRYTEN [VO]

Last week on Red Dwarf, something terrible happenned to Mr Lister's arm!

Watch this!

[MONTAGE: Series of scenes from Episode 7, Epideme, as follows:]

[-- 2 - Int. Chamber within derelict --------------------------------------]

[CAT present]

[Enter KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN, CAT]

<CAT is running gloved hands over a large, thick slab of ice, and peering

into it intently>

CAT

Hey guys, check this out!

There's a woman in there!

[-- 3 - Int. Starbug. Night ----------------------------------------------]

<Ice breaks open. Rotting feet touch the floor, and the decomposing figure

shuffles out of the medibay>

[-- 4 - Int. Sleeping Quarters. Night ------------------------------------]

[LISTER present]

<LISTER struggles, but can't keep the zombie away. She pins him down and

plants a sloppy, decomposing kiss on him. Lister pushes her away finally,

the corpse having gone suddenly limp, and spits out chunks of tongue and

spongy jawbone>

[-- 5 - Int. Starbug mid-section ----------------------------------------]

[ALL present]

LISTER

I've been tongue-hockeyed to death!

[-- 6 - Int. Starbug mid-section ----------------------------------------]

[LISTER, KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN present]

KRYTEN

Sir, you know how you told us all to work on a solution to Mr Epideme, no

matter how drastic?

LISTER

Yeah, what have you got, Kryts?

[-- 7 - Int. Starbug medibay ---------------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI present. LISTER present, unconscious on the bed]

<Desperately, KRYTEN raises the laser bone-saw and amputates to the middle

of LISTER's upper arm>

[-- 8 - Int. Starbug medibay ---------------------------------------------]

[KOCHANSKI, LISTER present]

LISTER

My left arm, I said! That's my right; what kind of navigation officer

can't tell left from right??

KOCHANSKI

We did the best we could; I am *so* sorry.

[Enter KRYTEN, CAT]

KRYTEN

Mr Lister, sir, you're awake!

CAT

Buddy, you look great!

<CAT rushes towards LISTER and, without thinking, offers a handshake. He

realises his mistake and slinks back>

[------------------ <RUN NEW RED DWARF 7 TITLE SEQUENCE> ------------------]

[-- x - Int. Starbuf mid-section -----------------------------------------]

[SHOT: LISTER playing the guitar, only his head and his left hand on the

fretboard are visible. Pan out to...]

[TWO-SHOT: KRYTEN present, leaning over LISTER's right shoulder and

strumming the guitar. The noise is still hideous. Pan out]

[ALL present. CAT and KOCHANSKI are sat at the opposite side of the table

to LISTER, both wearing pained expressions. LISTER and KRYTEN bring the

sonnet to a close]

KRYTEN

Oh, bravo, sir! You see, there's no need for despondency; you can *still*

play the guitar!

LISTER

Yeah, look on the bright side... at least now I'm only *half* crap...

KRYTEN

We should still count all our blessings, sir.

KOCHANSKI

Kryten's right; the Epideme virus may have cost you a limb but there are

*countless* people who have lost an arm, and then gone on to lead a

perfectly -

KOCHANSKI

- "normal" life.

LISTER

Like who?

KRYTEN

Oh, there are *thousands*, sir. Thousands upon thousands upon thousands.

LISTER

Like?

KOCHANSKI

More than thousands.

LISTER

Who?

KOCHANSKI

Millions!

LISTER

*Who*??

KRYTEN

Well, I don't know if I could name them all individually, but -

LISTER

Name *one*.

KRYTEN

One?

LISTER

Mm.

KRYTEN

You want me to name as many as that? Er -

KOCHANSKI

Lord Nelson. He beat the French.

KRYTEN

Lord Nelson! (Thank you, ma'am) He beat the French.

LISTER

Who else?

KRYTEN

Well, er, err...

KOCHANSKI

The Venus de Milo.

KRYTEN

The Venus de Milo. No arms at all, but that certainly didn't prevent her

from persuing a highly successful modeling career.

LISTER

Go on.

KRYTEN

Go on?

LISTER

You said there were millions; that's two, and one of them's a statue. So

go on: name five.

KRYTEN

Five? Right, well... there's, um <ahem> There's Lord Nelson, and, er,

Miss De Milo, and then there's, um, the, well, em... Help us! Er, the,

um -

CAT

The painter dude!

LISTER

What 'painter dude'?

CAT

The Welsh guy. You know? The one with one arm! Van G-g-gogh.

LISTER

He had one *ear*, Cat. He cut the other one off.

CAT

Did he?

LISTER

Yes.

CAT

See? That dude manages to cut off his own ear with just one arm, and

you're worried about not leading a normal life.

KOCHANSKI

There must be more... erm... that guy from 'The Fugitive'! He had one

arm, what was his name?

LISTER

'The One-Armed Man'.

KOCHANSKI

That's him! See? That's three.

LISTER

He was a murderer.

KOCHANSKI

Was he?

LISTER

Yeah. He killed Doctor Richard Kimble's wife.

KOCHANSKI

But that proves my point. You see, if that guy can murder a perfectly

able-bodied woman, minus a major extremity, then I don't think you've got

anything to worry about.

LISTER

Come on, let's face it guys: there aren't *any* noteworthy one-armed

people from history - you can't even name five.

KOCHANSKI

Of course we can! Look: Horatio Nelson; the one-armed guy from 'The

Fugitive'; the Venus de Milo; Van Gogh, and... one more...

CAT

That Mexican dude! The one who robbed people!

LISTER

What one who robbed people?

CAT

The one-armed bandit..!

LISTER

That's a *machine*, you gimp! One of the most popular pub games of the

twentieth century.

CAT

And it only had one arm? What a heartwarming story...

KOCHANSKI

Er! Dave Lister. There, that's five.

LISTER

I'm going to the loo.

I don't actually need to go now, but seeing as it takes me forty five

minutes to unbutton m' fly, I should probably make a start...

KOCHANSKI

Do you need a hand..?

Oh my god! I'm sorry, I didn't mean that... sorry, I didn't - Sorry.

Sorry! SORRY!!

[Exit LISTER]

KOCHANSKI

Sorry.

[-- x - Int. Starbug. Lister's Sleeping Quarters -------------------------]

[KRYTEN, LISTER present. LISTER is sat morosely at a table, a leaden

expression on his face and his one arm in his lap. A mug of tea and a

biscuit are in front of him, both of which he shows no sign of wishing to

consume. KRYTEN hovers behind him]

KRYTEN

Biscuit, sir?

LISTER

Please.

<KRYTEN dunks the biscuit in the tea and holds it so that LISTER can take a

bite. He replaces the biscuit and waits a few moments more>

KRYTEN

Another bik-bik?

LISTER

Yes, please.

[Enter KOCHANSKI]

<KRYTEN solicitously dunks the biscuit again and holds it up for LISTER,

then replaces it next to the mug>

KOCHANSKI

Kryten..? what are you doing?

KRYTEN

I'm just dunking bikkies, ma'am. It's another of life's joys, of which

poor Mr Lister has been robbed. Isn't that right, sir?

LISTER

Could you give my nose a tweak? I've got a bit of an itch.

KOCHANSKI

Why can't you itch it yourself? You've still got one arm.

KRYTEN

There. Is that better, sir?

LISTER

Yeah, a bit.

KOCHANSKI

Kryten, I told you before: he wants to be independant. He doesn't need

you running around after him like he's some kind of invalid.

KRYTEN

But he does, he does! Don't you, sir?

KRYTEN

Another slurp of tea, sir?

KOCHANSKI

Oh, this is making me sick.

KRYTEN

Take no notice of her, sir. It's nearly suppertime. Chuckie-eggs

tonight, sir, which your toast cut up into little, tiny, weeny, bite-sized

soldiers of varying ranks.

LISTER

Thanks, Kryts, but maybe I can cut up my own toast?

KRYTEN

Oh, just like you asked for, sir.

KOCHANSKI

Asked for..?

KRYTEN

Now just remember, sir: Kryten knows best!

LISTER

I wanna stretch me legs... take a walk around the ship.

<LISTER stands and heads towards the door, however before he takes more than

a few steps, KRYTEN darts ahead and slaps at the door panel>

KRYTEN

Just opening the door for you, sir.

There we go, the door's open, sir.

LISTER

Cheers.

KRYTEN

Just closing the door now, sir.

[Exit LISTER>

KRYTEN <calling after LISTER>

The door's closing, sir, the door's nearly closing, and it's *closed*,

sir.

KOCHANSKI

Florence Nightingdroid... could I have a word?

KRYTEN

Certainly, ma'am.

[-- x - Int. Starbug medibay ----------------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present]

KOCHANSKI

Look, deep down I'm a big softie. The first time I saw Gone With The Wind

I went through a whole box of tissues. 'Now Voyager', I was so choked up I

couldn't speak for twenty minutes.

KRYTEN

I'll make a note, ma'am... 'Now Voyager' [mutters:] Worth keeping on

stand-by...

Carry on, ma'am!

KOCHANSKI

I'm *saying*, I'm *not* a heartless bitch. So you'll understand that what

I'm about to say isn't easy: Back off Lister - let him learn to cope on his

own, it's the only way.

KRYTEN

I don't understand, ma'am.

KOCHANSKI

By helping him, you're *not* helping him.

KRYTEN

But if it wasn't for me he wouldn't even be wearing underpants!

KOCHANSKI

Have you ever heard of something called 'tough love'?

KRYTEN

Does it involve dressing up?

KOCHANSKI

No. It means, sometimes to help a person you have to get tough! Make

them stand on their own two feet, or in Lister's case, one hand!

KRYTEN

I see. So you think it's time to let him start brushing his own teeth

again?

KOCHANSKI

I do, yes. I also think it's time you built him an artificial arm and

gave him the chance not to be so dependant on you.

KRYTEN

I was meaning to get around to that, ma'am, but, what with being on

twenty-four hour 'wipe alert', I haven't had time!

KOCHANSKI

'Wipe alert'? No! Don't even tell me what that means. I have a feeling

I know, and if I'm right, it's the *grossest* thing I have ever heard!

KRYTEN

I mean his mouth... I help him get rid of the crumbs around his mouth..?

KOCHANSKI

Yeah... that's what I thought... <cough> And it's absolutely gross!

Mouth crumbs... eurgh! Disgusting.

[Exit KOCHANSKI]

[-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section -----------------------------------------]

[LISTER, CAT present, sat at the scanner table across a draughts board]

CAT

It's a real son-of-a-bitch about your arm, bud. Losing an arm... that is

one terrible thing.

LISTER

Your move.

CAT

Can you imagine that? One minute you got two arms and the next: vreeee,

doof - you got one. Phewwwie. That's tough.

LISTER

Your move.

CAT

And it stands to reason we must need two arms - that's why we *got* two

arms. Well, 'cept you.

LISTER

Your move...

CAT

You're probably wondering: "is it going to affect my life?" But I've been

thinking about this and I think the answer is: "Yes, it is".

LISTER

Your *smegging* move...

CAT

If it were me, I couldn't survive. First chance I get I'd climb to the

top of my highest pair of platform boots and leap to my death or something.

I couldn't stand the thought of not being perfect.

LISTER

Move.

CAT

But with you I think it's different. Take a pit bull terrier, a real

*ugly* son-of-a-bitch. It loses it's leg, somehow, and the pit bull says to

you "hey man, I've only got three legs, will lady pit bulls still like me??"

CAT

I mean, you've got to stop from laughing, haven't you? He's ugly with

*four* legs! He's ugly with three! Hell, he'd be ugly if you put him in a

suit and gave him a carnation. So *here's* something I think is gonna cheer

you up!

LISTER

*It's your move*.

CAT

Mr Pit Bull? Put it there, buddy!

LISTER

*MOVE!!*

CAT <hearing LISTER for the first time and completely misunderstanding>

Okay, okay, I'm going..! I don't think you've been listening to a thing

I've said..!

[-- x - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------------]

[-- x - Int. Starbug medibay ----------------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN, LISTER present. KRYTEN has attached a bulky, artificial arm to

LISTER's shoulder, which at the moment rests motionless on the worktop

which LISTER is seated beside]

KRYTEN

Right, now this is a copy of the standard model from the 21st century. Er,

comfortable, sir?

LISTER

It's fine, yeah.

KRYTEN

Okay, now let's recap: the limb is connected to neurons which run up to

the left hemisphere of your brain, which controls the right side of your

body.

Now, all you have to do is merely command the arm to do something, and it

obeys.

Now, let's practice.

KRYTEN

Right, concentrate, sir. I want you to think: "arm - pick up the ball".

LISTER

Okay.

KRYTEN

Now just think: "I will pick up the ball"

LISTER

I will pick up the ball.

KRYTEN

That's right, good, now, concentrate.

LISTER

*I will pick up the ball*.

KRYTEN

Okay, now *really* think: Hand --

LISTER

I will pick up the ball.

KRYTEN

-- pick up the ball. That's right, that's right.

LISTER

*Pick up the ball*.

KRYTEN

Pick up the ball. Hand, pick up the ball! That's right, now *keep*

going, sir! Pick up the ball! Now, focus down onto that and keep the

thought, sir! Hand, pick up the ball!

<As KRYTEN offers verbal support in ever increasing volume, LISTER strains

and grunts, effort twisting his feature as the hand lies motionless>

KRYTEN

That's right, sir, now keep going, now *really think*, now. Hand, pick up

the ball! Now let's really get it going, sir!

Pick up the ball! *Pick up the ball*! REALLY START TO GO NOW, SIR!

HAND, PICK UP THE BALL, NOW LET'S KEEP MOVING! KEEP ON, SIR, YOU *CAN* DO

IT! HAND, PICK UP THE BALL! YOU'RE GOING TO MOVE THAT HAND, SIR! YOU'RE

*GOING* TO MOVE IT! MOVE THE HAND, SIR!! HAND! PICK UP THE BALL!! PICK

UP THE BALL!! YES SIR! YES! WE'RE STARTING TO MOVE, NOW! YES! IT'S

DEFINITELY MOVING, SIR! YES!!

Oh! Bravo, sir!!

<KRYTEN tails off as LISTER successfuly moves the hand from its resting

place to grab the ball which has sat motionless, three or four inches away

from where he started>

LISTER

Oh! The sweat's dripping off me!

KRYTEN

Oh, that was fantastic, sir! Absolutely marvellous, it worked like a

dream!

LISTER

Is that it?

KRYTEN

Well, er, how do you mean, sir?

LISTER

Is that the best it works?? In other words, if I ever want to pick up a

ball, am I going to have to take the morning off??

KRYTEN

It was a *tad* slow, I'm forced to admit.

LISTER

A tad? The only thing I've ever seen pick up slower is Rimmer in a disco.

KRYTEN

Well, maybe if I adjust the impulse valve it might make it a little more

sensitive.

Okay, let's try again: "Hand, pick up the ball".

LISTER

Okay... *hand*, *pick up*, *the ball*.

<LISTER's arm shoots forward and clangs across KRYTEN's inattentive jaw>

KRYTEN

Okay... right... well, er, let's try again.

LISTER

Okay?

KRYTEN

Now: "Hand, pick up the ball".

LISTER

Hand, pick up the ball.

KRYTEN

I think, sir, there's a lot of anger inside you, and that's what's driving

the arm.

LISTER

I don't *feel* angry..?

KRYTEN

Well, you've lost your arm, sir, you've every *right* to feel angry.

LISTER

I don't! I promise, I don't!

KRYTEN

Ah well, you see, it's subconscious. You're *thinking* "hand, pick up the

ball", but your subconscious is saying "punch Kryten in the head; beat the

brains out of the demented droid that cut off my beloved arm". Am I right?

LISTER

Kryten, that's rubbish!

LISTER

You're right! It's controlled by my subconscious!

KRYTEN

It's far too dangerous to let you out with that arm, sir. Two minutes

with Miss Kochanski and who knows what you'd be swinging around your head!

[-- x - Int. Starbug midsection ------------------------------------------]

[ALL present]

KOCHANSKI

There must be a solution to this.

CAT

Hey, half-eaten lollipop head: what about one of your spares? Wha'd'ya

say, motherboarder?

KRYTEN

Too heavy, sir. With the strain and extra weight it would be impossible

for Mr Lister even to get it up.

CAT

He could always take it off if he was going on a date.

LISTER

Can someone take him outside and do something to him? Ideally involving

icecubes and any puckered body cavity.

KOCHANSKI

Wait a minute... what about your self-repair system? Can't that help?

KRYTEN

Ma'am?

KOCHANSKI

When you have a mechanical failure, it fixes itself, doesn't it? The

Kryten back in my dimension had these tiny little robots... sub-atomic..?

KRYTEN

Nanobots. They break objects down into their component atoms and then

recombine those atoms to repair damaged circuits. Nanotechnology.

CAT

Er, just for me: could you run that by me one more time, but this time do

the big writing version, with pictures. One word per page?

KRYTEN

Let me think of a cogent paradigm...

CAT

I'd rather have a good example..?

KRYTEN

This, is a lead pencil. It's made of graphite, which is a particular

arrangement of carbon atoms. This is diamond, it too is made of carbon

atoms. Nanobots can rearrange atoms so they could take this lead pencil,

move the atoms around a bit, and turn it into diamond.

CAT

It's possible to make diamonds out of pencils??

KRYTEN

It's also possible to make computer chips out of sand.

KOCHANSKI

So, what happens if we transferred some of your nanobots into Dave?

Wouldn't they be able to build him a new arm from his excess body tissue?

KRYTEN

Unfortunately, ma'am, it's not possible, no.

LISTER

Why not?

KRYTEN

I no longer have any nanobots, sir. They deserted me. When and where I

can't be exactly certain.

LISTER

But if we were to find these nanobots, could they build me a new arm?

KRYTEN

Oh, but finding them would be close to impossible, sir. It would be like

looking for a needle in a male student's flat.

KOCHANSKI

When was the last repair they made?

KRYTEN

When we were on the Esperanto, just before we met the Despair Squid.

LISTER

That was ages ago; before we lost the Dwarf.

KRYTEN

That's why I've given up hope of ever finding them.

LISTER

Let's set a course back to the Esperanto.

KRYTEN

But I promise you it's futile, sir.

KRYTEN

I'll start preparing the suspended animation booths...

[-- x - Model/CGI shots --------------------------------------------------]

[Various shots in sequence of Starbug racing through nebulas, dodging

planets, avoiding asteroids and generally zipping through space]

[-- x - Int. Starbug corridor --------------------------------------------]

[The Dwarfers file through one after another, each dressed in blue overalls

and drinking from re-hydration bottles]

[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]

[ALL enter]

LISTER

Hang on a minute, we're not there... where the smeg are we?

KOCHANSKI

The computer's brought us out of Deep Sleep early, it must have picked up

something.

LISTER

Maybe it's something to do with this planetoid directly ahead?

KRYTEN

Just scanning, sir.

No, that's ridiculous...

KOCHANSKI

What is?

KRYTEN

It's not even worth mentioning, ma'am. Er, must be a scanner fault.

Re-scanning.

KRYTEN

What? Again?

LISTER

What is it, man? You look shakier than a silicon implant ward during an

earthquake.

KRYTEN

Well, according to all our scanners, that planetoid out there is... Red

Dwarf...

LISTER

Bahh, must be on the blink.

KOCHANSKI

Of course it's on the blink! We're talking about the same piece of

equipment that last month detected a planet entirely populated by air

hostesses.

KRYTEN

We spent two weeks checking that out.

CAT

I knew we gave up to soon! It was worth at least one more week.

KRYTEN

However, there is one additional factor.

KOCHANSKI

Which is..?

KRYTEN

That we've been here before.

CAT

Of course we have, it's the cockpit, dummy! We come here all the time.

KRYTEN

In this sector of the galaxy, sir... Doesn't it look familiar?

LISTER

Kryten, it's space. Black with twinkly bits. It all looks familiar.

KRYTEN

If you look to the port side, sir, that planet in the distance is the

ocean world where we discovered the Esperanto.

LISTER

That was just before we lost Red Dwarf... are you thinking what I'm

thinking?

CAT

I'm thinking wearing leather underpants with silver studs is a real

mistake if you put them on inside out. What are you thinking?

LISTER

Me? I'm thinking about a wooden mallet, you and icecubes, again.

KRYTEN

This planetoid, let's check it out.

KOCHANSKI

According to the weather scan it's beautiful down there. Tropical

temperatures, not a cloud in sight! Suggest we dress for snow and take the

buggy.

[-- x - Planetside. Int. Exploration buggy -------------------------------]

[CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present, all are dressed in large parkas.

FX: Sounds of a raging storm can be heard and the buggy is frequently

buffeted by strong winds]

LISTER

Okay, I'm gonna take some readings and grab some soil samples.

CAT

Looks kinda blowy.

KOCHANSKI

It's an electric storm, whooshing the sand about.

CAT

You can say that again. There must be more electricity out there than

the surge that went through the national grid during the commercial break

in the Olympic all-girls custard wrestling finals!

[Exit CAT, out into the storm]

<Wind blows madly into the buggy, whipping up a mini sandstorm which clears

as the door closes>

LISTER

Phew!

KOCHANSKI

I can't believe you're here. Hiw did you persuade Kryten to let you out?

LISTER

He's not m' mum, Kris.

I hope the Cat's not too long, I promised we'd be back by tea.

[Enter CAT. He slams the door shut and pulls down the hood of his parka.

His hair is wild, blown out of style by the storm]

CAT

It's impossible out there!

LISTER

Do you need some different goggles?

CAT

No, I need a comb!

[Exit CAT]

<Wind and sand swarm around the interior again until the door bangs shut.

KOCHANSKI takes out a small bag from her coat>

KOCHANSKI

Sweet?

LISTER

Yeah, thanks.

<It's one of those sticky boiled sweets in a wrapper. LISTER fumbles with

the wrapper for some time before the sweet pops out and lands on the floor>

KOCHANSKI

Here, have another one...

LISTER

I can do it.

KOCHANSKI

Look, don't be silly, let me.

LISTER

I can do it, *really*. I'm not an idiot.

LISTER

Can I ask you a question? Now that I've got no arm... does it - does it

make any difference to anything?

I mean, if you were a female pit bull terrier, how would you feel about

a three-legged --

Does it make any difference to... well, plucking any old relationship out

of the air, us?

KOCHANSKI

Dave, before you lost your arm, I thought you were a no-good, disgusting

bum. And I still do. So, no, none at all.

LISTER

I need to know, is *this* going to make any difference to women?

KOCHANSKI

Losing an arm isn't going to make any difference to any woman who cares

about you. Okay?

LISTER

Really?

KOCHANSKI

*Really*.

LISTER

What about sex?

KOCHANSKI

Not here, it's too sandy.

[Before LISTER can take in her last comment, the door of the buggy is

wrenched open and CAT flings himself into his seat. The howling wind is

silenced as he bangs shut his door]

KOCHANSKI

How'd you get on?

CAT

Take a look.

LISTER

This sand... these atoms didn't start out as sand atoms! They've been

engineered, nanobotically!

KOCHANSKI

From what?

LISTER

Computer chips, you name it! According to the particle analyser, this

planetoid's Red Dwarf...

KOCHANSKI

Where are you going?!

CAT

I'm gonna need some help! There's a lot of stuff out there, looks like it

might be worth checking out!

LISTER

What stuff?

CAT

Hey, it feels like the storm's easing off! Come and see for yourself!

[-- x - Int. Embarkation area --------------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN present]

[Enter CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI. Between them the drag on board various

boxes of anonymous bric-a-brac]

KRYTEN

Oh, I was beginning to worry..! Oh! What on earth is this?

KOCHANSKI

The whole damn planetoid's packed with stuff from Red Dwarf. Supplies,

bunks, drinks dispensers, you name it. It's like a giant car boot sale!

CAT

I think we got some valuable stuff!

LISTER

What... napkin rings? A box of hairnet requisition forms? A motorised

tie rack and an inflatable shark..? What a haul...

KOCHANSKI

There must be some useful stuff...

CAT

I couldn't see what I was getting...

<LISTER pulls out a large watch-like device and buffs it's surface. The

watch screen suddenly comes to life, displaying a somehow familiar image of

a disembodied head. The head is of a middle aged, balding man, whose

expression is ever so slightly vacant...>

HOLLY

All right, dudes?

LISTER

What the smeg are you doing here, Hol?

HOLLY

Those little wotsits...

KOCHANSKI

Nanobots?

HOLLY

They remolicurised... they remolic... they remol... anyway, they did that

word that I can't say to the whole ship, and left all the bits they didn't

want on that planetoid!

LISTER

What, they fixed your core program, and then decided they'd be better off

without you?

HOLLY

Yeah, it was shortly after they'd met me.

KRYTEN

Well, from one machine to another: welcome back online, Holly!

HOLLY

What's happenned to him..? That's quite horrific, isn't it? What was it,

a cheap razor? It's just not worth buying them from garages, is it.

KRYTEN

Don't you remember me? I'm Kryten.

HOLLY

Kryten? I'm sorry, mate! It's the way the light was shining on your...

what's the word? 'Face', I suppose. Just didn't recognise you for a

minute. Never forget a face, usually. Never.

KRYTEN

It's good to see you again.

HOLLY

And you are..?

LISTER

Unbelievable... dumped on a planet in the middle of an electro-storm, and

left to rot for hundreds of years, and the guy's lost *nothin'*.

[-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section -----------------------------------------]

[ALL present]

LISTER

So, while we were on the Esperanto, your nanobots mutinied and took over

Red Dwarf?

KRYTEN

They wanted a ship. In my body there was nothing new to explore, but Red

Dwarf itself was far too big.

KOCHANSKI

But they're nanobots; they can change anything into anything else.

LISTER

Yeah, they can take a Pot Noodle and turn it into food!

KOCHANSKI

So, they took Red Dwarf, made a sub-atomic version, and turned the rest of

the atoms into a planetoid for safekeeping?

CAT

Well what was it we spent months chasing? What was producing that vapour

trail?

KRYTEN

Red Dwarf.

CAT

Did someone just turn over two pages at once?

KRYTEN

We were chasing the nano-Red Dwarf, that's why the readings were so minute

and hard to pinpoint.

KOCHANSKI

So, now, they could be anywhere? You pursued them across half the galaxy.

LISTER

Until we finally lost track of the readings - probably because of a

scanner malfunction...

HOLLY

That, or they went somewhere out of the reach of your scanners.

CAT

But we were gaining on them, bud. How could they out run us?

HOLLY

Scanners are programmed to scan on the outside. To escape, they just had

to stop.

KOCHANSKI

You mean, the nanos could be in here..? On board Starbug somewhere?

LISTER

Hey... he could be right.

HOLLY

He's back... kicking bottom, or what?

[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]

[ALL enter]

KRYTEN

Re-calibrating scanner, sir. Performing internal sweep.

LISTER

What are you getting..?

KRYTEN

Nothing yet... just two pieces of Bombay aloa you dropped several millenia

ago down the service ducts, where they appear to evolved a rudimentary

intelligence and formed a progressive folk duo.

Damn scanner...

LISTER

Keep looking.

KRYTEN

Narrowing parameters. Oh... oh my... you were right, sir. I think we've

found them.

KOCHANSKI

Where?

[-- x - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters -----------------------------------]

[ALL present, gathered around LISTER's linen basket]

KRYTEN

They're there, okay.

LISTER

So Red Dwarf spent the last two years exploring strange new worlds in my

laundry basket?

KRYTEN

Of course! The ship is now so small that, to the nanos, a hole in one of

your athletic supports is at least the size of a galaxy!

LISTER

Hey, I like the sound of that: Dave Lister, the man with the galaxy-sized

jockstrap!

HOLLY

The little scamps! It's the oldest trick in the book: capture your ship,

turn it into a planet, then explore a macro universe in a laundry basket.

How could you fall for an old scam like that?

KRYTEN

Ma'am, can you tell me if the readings change?

<KRYTEN holds a glass and a piece of card and rifles through the basket,

clamping the card over the glass>

LISTER

Same.

LISTER

Still the same.

LISTER

*Still* the same!

KOCHANSKI

They've changed!

<KRYTEN lifts out the glass, carefully keeping the card pressed to the

underside>

KRYTEN

Heh! Nailed the little blighters! After all the embarassment they've

caused me!

LISTER

Kris, see if you can find a frequency to establish contact..?

KRYTEN

Leave it to me, sir. I know how to make contact...

KRYTEN

Can you hear me, you pesky little critters?? We want our ship back, and

we want a new arm for Mr Lister!

Are you receiving me?

<Soft, high-pitched warbling tones are suddenly heard, and a wall monitor

begins to display page after page of gibberish>

KEYTEN

Aha, we have contact... They're communicating in machine code; leave the

talking to me.

Have you any idea what you've done? Deserting your droid, you've broken

every reg in the manual!

And to compound matters by stealing our ship, it's unbelievably..! Er...

it's unbelievably..! Naughty!

Now, listen up, here's the deal: we want that planetoid turned back into

Red Dwarf, and we also want you to build a new arm for Mr Lister.

If you don't, you'll get more of this...

[-- x - Int. Starbug medi-bay --------------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN, LISTER present. LISTER is prone on the surgury surface - an almost

vertical table-top construction with a ladge at the bottom to rest weight

on and a bar running under LISTER's neck to support the torso and keep it

still]

LISTER

So they'll really manufacture me a new arm, from my existing skin and bone

tissue?

KRYTEN

I've got them worked up into such a frenzy, sir, they'll do anything I

say!

LISTER

Where are they?

<KRYTEN dips a finger in side the glass and withdraws it slowly, pressing

against the side>

KRYTEN

Here. On the tip of my finger, sir. Millions and millions of them.

All I have to do now is *insert* them into your body.

LISTER

...What with?

KRYTEN

Hyperdermic, sir.

LISTER

Thank god for that...

[-- x - Int. Starbug medi-bay --------------------------------------------]

[LISTER present, regaining consciousness on the surgery surface]

[ENTER KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, CAT]

KOCHANSKI

I can't bear to look... has it worked? Someone tell me!

KRYTEN

Let's all turn around, after three.

CAT

One - two - three!

<They spin around, and look at Lister's new arm, or, more accurately,

Lister's new *body*. In constructing the replacement limb, the nanobots

have taken every bit of extraneous tissue and sagging muscle, leaving

LISTER with the body of a steroid-addicted bodybuilder: muscles bulge under

his clothes, and the occasional strained vein can be seen zigzagging under

taut flesh>

LISTER

Did it work?

KRYTEN

It's... been a one hundred percent success, sir. In fact, it's been a

*five hundred* percent success! In fact, they've... Well, if that's all,

sir, I think I'll retire for the evening, good night!

[Exit KRYTEN, CAT]

LISTER

Release me, Kris, I've got to see it.

<KOCHANSKI disengages the support bar from across LISTER's neck and he steps

down, undoubtably noticing his unfamiliarly ponderous gait and creaking

muscles>

KOCHANSKI

They probably didn't mean any harm... I think they were trying to make up

for before... we'll, get them to have another go, okay?

LISTER

*AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGGHHH!!!!!!!!*

[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ----------------------------------------------]

[CAT present, at his station at the helm]

<Suddenly, CAT blinks in disbelief and stares out of the cockpit bubble.

Before him, space has turned red. A vast metal redness that stretches up,

down, left, and right - miles in any direction. Amongst the redness,

there's a small patch of silver, and written within the patch of silver

are two huge, red words. They say: RED DWARF>

[-- x - Model/CGI shots --------------------------------------------------]

[Starbug flies along the Red Dwarf's gargantuan flank]

CAT [VO]

Riiiiight! Nice re-build! Those nano-dudes have done a real neat job...

Hey, it seems even bigger than I remember...

<CAT pilots Starbug into the docking tunnel. Even taking his natural flying

skills into account, there's no danger whatsoever that Starbug may scrape

the sides of the tunnel as it has done so many times in the past - there is

a curiously large ammount of empty space between the transport craft and

the tunnel walls.

Starbug emerges into the docking bay, and suddenly, something very

important becomes apparent. There is a Starbug already docked... a very

*large* Starbug in a very *large* docking bay. Starbug's engines suddenly

seem to buzz, insect-like, in the vastness of the docking bay, and CAT

deftly pilots his 'Bug under the bulbous body of the other craft and

through it's pillar-like legs>

CAT [VO]

Errr, guyyys... we've got a problem..!

[--------------------------- END OF "NANARCHY" ----------------------------]

[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor,

Paul Alexander and James Hendrie; no copyright infringement or toe-stepping

intended. Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at

"raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk" Thanks.]