Epideme

Epideme - Script v0.7

...Clearing House...

Raz, Datalink-Karma, 1996-97

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Everything is fuzzy again!

@ 08Mar97

After a tense and protracted wait, the "Epideme" script has taken up residency!

This is version 0.7 of the script, several days late, admittedly, but appearing as a reasonably complete representation, I hope you'll agree. Fuller versions will appear soon, as usual.

[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor and Paul Alexander, no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at the usual addy. Thanks.]

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Raz, DTLK, 1996-97 08Mar97 +

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[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]

RED DWARF - SERIES 7

[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]

EPISODE 7 -- EPIDEME

[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]

Version 0.7

6 - 8 March, 1997

Raz / raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk

http://www.mushroom.demon.co.uk

Credits for corrections:

[-- 1 - Int. Starbug Cockpit ----------------------------------------------]

[All present, at stations]

CAT

What *is* that thing?

KOCHANSKI

Astro-glacier. Allotropically modified, surrounded by an envelope of

luminous gases.

CAT

Thanks! That's most helpful!

[To LISTER:] What is it?

LISTER

To you: a big iceberg.

KOCHANSKI

I studied them in my first year in the Corps. but I've never seen one up

this close before. Isn't it incredible? Look at those crystaline

formations... they're fabbaroo!

LISTER

You think all this sciency stuff's really interesting, don't you? I bet,

at school, you were always the one with the right coloured pencils, and the

impossibly neat handwriting. I bet even now you can probably tell us the

average rainfall of the oil-rich coastal low-lands of Venezuela...

KOCHANSKI

No I couldn't, I've no idea...

[BEAT]

Okay, three point four inches, so what?

Unlike you guys, my greatest accomplishment isn't a line on a loo wall

somewhere marking my highest ever pee.

KRYTEN

I'll have you know, ma'am, I too possess qualifications.

CAT

What qualifications have you got, meat tenderiser head?

KRYTEN

Why, I'm a fuly qualified Bachelor of Sanitation. You may not know this,

sir, but many years ago I completed my course at Toilet University, where I

studied the lavatorial sciences.

KOCHANSKI

Toilet University's just a piece of software, it's part of your core

program.

KRYTEN

I still had to complete a written examination to indicate the program was

successfully installed. Most interesting. Did you know, for instance, that

the first syphon-and-valve flushing system was patented in 1778 by Joseph

Brehman, whose U-bend curvature equations are still --

LISTER

Kryten!

KRYTEN

Yes, sir?

LISTER

Can this story maybe wait? Ideally until after I'm dead?

CAT

Well, speaking personally, I hardly didn't get no formal education at all.

LISTER

No kidding, professor...

CAT

No, it's true, bud. That's why, sometimes, I don't know stuff. Like...

well, practically everything.

KRYTEN

Was this because you brought yourself up, sir?

CAT

Right. There was no one else around, so I had to teach myself. And

seeing as I didn't know anything to begin with, lessons were long and slow;

especially on Thursdays when I had double nothing.

KOCHANSKI

So, what do we do about the ice..?

KRYTEN

Well, water supplies *are* low, ma'am. If the ice is uncontaminated, it

might prove quite useful.

KOCHANSKI

Okay, standard S.E.P. scan and log.

KRYTEN

Locking on; scanning and logging.

Extraordinary...

LISTER

What is it?

KRYTEN

There's something buried deep in the heart of the astro-glacier - some

kind of object... it's huge; just processing.

LISTER

Well?

KRYTEN

It's a starship.

[-- x - Int. Docking bay within derelict ---------------------------------]

[ALL present]

LISTER

This place is harder to get into than an airline chicken kiev!

[-- x - Int. Chamber within derelict -------------------------------------]

[ALL present]

KRYTEN

It's the 'Leviathan', sir, a 23rd century JMC supply ship. Engines are

dead: power overload; looks like they were running from something.

Wait! I'm picking up a lifesign.

LISTER

Are you absolutely sure?

KRYTEN

Certain.

[-- x - Int. Chamber within derelict -------------------------------------]

[ALL present]

KOCHANSKI

I've never seen anything like this!

LISTER

You weren't around for my last party, were you?

KRYTEN

Look at their twisted, tortured faces! The sheer blind terror.

LISTER

Yaaaarggg! Aarrrg! Oh my god!

KOCHANSKI

What is it?!

LISTER

The back of my neck! Great big gob of ice-water!

It was wet and horrible!

[Exit KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, CAT]

LISTER

Went right down into m' crevice.

[Exit LISTER]

[-- x - Int. Chamber within derelict -------------------------------------]

[CAT present]

[Enter KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN, CAT]

CAT

Hey guys, check this out!

There's a woman in there!

KRYTEN

Just locating her JMC ident chip... Ah. Caroline Carmen. According to

the psi-scan, she was once a supply officer on Red Dwarf.

LISTER

I remember her - she got re-posted to Titan.

KOCHANSKI

You knew her?

LISTER

Yeah - she made a pass at me once!

KOCHANSKI

I don't believe you... a supply officer'd never go our with *you*.

LISTER

She did, actually. In fact, me and Karen had quite a thing going there

for a really long time.

KOCHANSKI

Caroline.

LISTER

Caroline, yeah. Karen's my *pet name* for her.

KOCHANSKI

I don't believe a word.

LISTER

Caroline Carmen and me, believe it! Sexually, we're just *so* compatible.

In fact, while I was dating her, the two women in the quarters next door

nicknamed her Carmen Moans. You could ask her if she was still alive.

KRYTEN

She is, sir. The lifesign appears to be coming from this very spot.

LISTER

Does it? Ah, well, she might not remember me *immediately*, she might

have amnesia.

CAT

Amnesia?

LISTER

Yeah, ice does that. Gives you amnesia. Isn't that right, Kryts?

KRYTEN

Er, I don't recall hearing that, sir.

LISTER

Y'see? It's affecting 'im already.

Okay, let's get her back to the bug.

[-- x - Int. Starbug medibay ---------------------------------------------]

[ALL present]

KRYTEN

I've begun the water syphoning process from the Leviathan. Any change

here?

CAT

It doesn't make sense, bud. The ice won't melt, and this room's hotter

than an English beer.

LISTER

He's right. The temperature's been a constant ninety degrees, and yet

she's still completely cold and unresponsive.

KRYTEN

Ah, what about Miss Carmen..?

LISTER <smiling>

I was *talking* about Miss Carmen...

KOCHANSKI

It's as if the body's generating the ice as a form of protection.

LISTER

Maybe we should just laser it?

KRYTEN

Reccommend we wait until the chemical analysis results are completed in

the morning, sir. Any hasty lasering could result in lasting damage to the

body.

CAT

Do you really think she's still alive in there?

KOCHANSKI

She must be.

[-- x - Int. Starbug. Night ----------------------------------------------]

<Ice breaks open. Rotting feet touch the floor, and the decomposing figure

shuffles out of the medibay. Driven by an unknown force, the woman finds

herself outside the sleeping quarters. Spotting LISTER, asleep in his

bunk, the woman lets out a sigh of satisfaction, approaches LISTER and

slips under his duvet. LISTER half-wakes, and not only gets the wrong end

of the stick, but manages to get splinters in all four fingers and two in

his thumb>

LISTER

Well, well, well, well... this is a bit of a turn up, isn't it..? Eh?

You just couldn't stay away, could you, Kris?

Hey, what're you doing? Hey, wait! What're you doing?? <Laughs>

LISTER <mock offended>

And what makes you so damn sure I'm interested..? *You* dumped *me*,

remember? You think you can just jump in m' bed and I'm yours?

Well, as it happens you're right, but let me tell you, it was a pretty

close thing.

LISTER

Mmm. It's good to feel your sweet breath against my neck again...

LISTER

Smeg! It's Kryten! It's Kryten! Quick - quick, in the shower. *In the

shower*...

<In the darkness, LISTER throws the blanket over 'Kris' and herds her into

the shower cubicle. He grabs a towel and ties it around himself>

LISTER

Smeg...

[Enter KRYTEN]

KRYTEN

Are you alone, sir?

LISTER

Yeah.

KRYTEN

Well, I just thought I'd come in and dust your quarters.

LISTER

It's two o'clock in the mornin', man!

KRYTEN

Ah, yes, well this *is* an *emergency* dust, you see, sir. My sensors

have picked up *vast* quantities of dust in this region and I simply *must*

dust, right now!

LISTER

I'll take the risk, man!

KRYTEN

Ah, I simply can't allow that, sir.

KRYTEN

Ahh! Double bed mode... hmm...

I'll just, ahem, dust inside your wardrobe, sir.

KRYTEN

Under your spare bunk duvet...

KRYTEN

Hmmm... in your other wardrobe.

LISTER

Kryten, man, I'm trying to get some kip!

KRYTEN

She's *in* here, isn't she!

LISTER

I don't know what you mean, man...

KRYTEN

You promised me you wouldn't like her more than me! You promised!

LISTER

Kryten... listen, erm, look it's like --

KRYTEN

It's because she's got a better shaped head than me, isn't it!

LISTER

Not again, man, no! No!

KRYTEN

It is!

LISTER

I *like* your head!

KRYTEN

Not as much as you like hers!

LISTER

What are you talking about? You've got one of the all-time great heads -

it's attractive, it's functional, it - it's almost perfect for carving a

sunday roast!

[Enter KOCHANSKI]

KRYTEN

She's in the shower, isn't she! *ISN'T SHE*!?

KOCHANSKI

Who?

KRYTEN

Miss Kochanski! Who'd you think!? Madam Curie??

KOCHANSKI

What is all this noise about? I can't sleep!

KRYTEN

<Ahem> Forgive me, sir. Shame mode. Excuse me, ma'am...

[Exit KRYTEN]

LISTER

How the hell did you *do* that..? Of course! You slipped out through the

vent shaft, and dropped into the corridor - brilliant!

KOCHANSKI

What?

LISTER

You're a genius, an absolute genius!

KOCHANSKI

What are you doing??

LISTER

I'm unbuttoning your shirt...

KOCHANSKI

What are you doing that for?!

LISTER

'Cos we've got a little unfinished business!

KOCHANSKI

That was a *long* time ago, things are very different now!

LISTER

Look, he's gone - don't worry about Kryten; now come on, get y' kit off,

and I'll go and slip into m' Batman outfit.

KOCHANSKI

You really believe in being direct, don't you...

LISTER

Aww, come on, rumpy-pumpy, Kris - let's hit the springs?

<Not quite believing what she's hearing, KOCHANSKI pulls her arm back and

delivers a direct and to-the-point Space Corps right cross straight across

LISTER's jaw>

KOCHANSKI

That's your idea of seduction, is it?? Well, forget it, Lister! Not if

you were the last man alive...

LISTER

I *am* the last man alive.

KOCHSNSKI

I rest my case...

[Exit KOCHANSKI]

LISTER

What did I do wrong..? *What*?

<LISTER dejectedly heads back to bed, and remembers the bed linen now

discarded in the shower cubicle>

LISTER

Oh! Duvet...

<LISTER heads back to the shower cubicle, and suddenly finds that his duvet

is not alone>

LISTER

Oh my god! Caroline! You've really let yourself go...

You could audition for about nine hundred Clearasil commercials!

LISTER

Sorry...

<LISTER struggles, but can't keep the zombie away. She pins him down and

plants a sloppy, decomposing kiss on him. Lister pushes her away finally,

the corpse having gone suddenly limp, and spits out chunks of tongue and

spongy jawbone>

LISTER

God!

KRYTEN

Are you all right, sir!?

LISTER <breathing heavily>

I've just been molested by Tutunkamun's<sp> horny grandma! Of course

I'm not smeggin' all right!

Eurgh! The taste! I need to to go and gargle with a toilet duck!

KRYTEN

She's dead, sir - and, curious, it appears she's been dead for three

million years...

LISTER

Er, if she's been dead for three million years, where did the lifesigns

come from?

KRYTEN

Hmm, good point, sir; and, more to the point, where did they go..?

<LISTER, hyperventilating now, keels over and faints>

[-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section ----------------------------------------]

[ALL present]

LISTER

I feel really lousy...

KOCHANSKI

Oh, you're probably just in shock, don't be such a baby.

KRYTEN

Miss Kochanski, ma'am, if I may say so, your bedside manner leaves

something to be desired.

KOCHANSKI

Like what?

KRYTEN

Well, like a bedside manner!

LISTER

You think I'm a hyperchondriac?

KOCHANSKI

You're a man, aren't you? I mean, you all get the common cold and you

think it's malaria.

KRYTEN

Oh, and women, of course, are different?

LISTER

They just have a different perspective on pain, Kryten. As would you if,

every summer, you had to pour hot wax on your crotch and rip out half your

thatch.

CAT

He's right, I hate doing that.

KRYTEN

The tests are complete, and... there's, a foreign substance in your blood,

and... well, I recognise the DNA, sir.

CAT

Is that good or bad?

KRYTEN

It's the epideme virus, sir. Er, a man-made parasite created as a rival

to the nicotine patch. Epideme was an intelligent organism, designed to

block all neural signals relating to nicotine craving, but in practice, it

also blocked the signals telling the body it needed blood and oxygen.

CAT

Is *that* why the Carmen chick looked like the centerfold from this

month's Playzombie?

KRYTEN

Precisely. It's virtually unstoppable. For the first forty-eight hours

it consumes its host, then hijacks the corpse and goes looking for a new

victim... When it can't find one, it freezes the body and waits.

CAT

So, the lifesigns on the Leviathan --

KOCHANSKI

Didn't belong to Carmen, but to the parasite inhabiting her body... Which

passed to you the moment she... well...

LISTER

Slipped her mouth-meat down m' gullet? I've been tongue-hockeyed to

death! In forty-eight hours I'm going to be deader than a Saturday night in

Salt Lake City!

KRYTEN

There *is* one option, sir... I believe you might have a chance if you,

well, reason with it.

LISTER

Reason with *what*?

KRYTEN

The virus, sir. After all, it is intelligent.

LISTER

Kryten, are you neural circuits picking up interference from the tumble-

drier again?

KRYTEN

If we can patch in the universal translator, it might just be possible to

talk to it. I believe it's your only chance, sir.

[-- x - Int. Starbug medibay ---------------------------------------------]

[ALL present]

KRYTEN

It's a long shot, I know, but if we can reason with it, we might pursuade

it to leave. Now, remember: be charming.

LISTER

Be charming to my virus... right.

KRYTEN

Patching in the U.T...

<A floating, holographic screen spins into existance. On it is rendered

something akin to a pulsating, animated Julia Set fractal, in colours of

red and green>

EPIDEME

Aaaand a great big "Hi!" to all of you out there in flesh-and-blood land!

And tonight, Dave Lister, assistant vending machine sub-operative, and spice

food conneseur, this is your *death*!

<The epideme virus has a loud, intimidatingly brash voice, and is somewhat

reminiscent of The Plant from Little Shop Of Horrors. The fractal image

expands and contracts to match the virus's tone and inflections>

EPIDEME

Your line...

KRYTEN

I take it we're speaking with the epideme virus..?

EPIDEME

Give that man an eyebrow! Heyyy, I'm feeling generous, give him two!

KRYTEN

Well, er, maybe we should, um, can I --

EPIDEME

*Dave*... let's run down the rules. If you win: *you* get to live; if I

win: you get to die, and I take all your knowledge then I kill you...

LISTER

What? You absorb knowledge from every person you kill?

EPIDEME

So, as you can appreciate, killing you ain't exactly a career highlight...

No offence, but when you're a virus there's not much call for knowing how to

open a lager bottle with your *anus*.

LISTER

How can you justify killing another living being?

EPIDEME

How about that chicken you *biriani'd* last night? How can you justify

killing that??

LISTER

Me and the chicken... it was different.

EPIDEME

How's that, David..?

LISTER

Well, I'm a person, it was a curry.

EPIDEME

He died so *you* could go on living; is that so different from what I'm

doing?

LISTER

Of course it is! Totally! I'm a human being, Ihave certain qualities

that elevate me above poultry! I can think; I can play the guitar --

CAT

Better than a chicken? Are you crazy?

KRYTEN

We're losing the argument, sir! You better move on to another

subject.

LISTER

I'm the last guy alive!

EPIDEME

*And that gives you more right to exist than me..?*

LISTER

Well, yeah... because --

EPIDEME

Time for your species to check out, Davey. Arevaderche, humies...

[-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section ----------------------------------------]

[LISTER present, patched into the universal translator. EPiDEME virus

visible on it's screen]

EPIDEME

David, come on... you've got a virus; it's fatal - it happens. Doesn't

mean we can't be friends!

<Frustrated, LISTER reaches to disengage the translator>

EPIDEME

Don't touch that dial!!

[Exit EPIDEME]

[Enter KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI]

KRYTEN

Sir, you know how you told us all to work on a solution to Mr Epideme, no

matter how drastic?

LISTER

Yeah, what have you got, Kryts?

KRYTEN

A solution, sir, but, er...

LISTER

What?

KRYTEN

It's too drastic.

LISTER

Tell.

KRYTEN

Well, what we thought was - you see -

<KRYTEN's speech collapses into unintelligible babbling>

KOCHANSKI

We want to cut off your arm.

LISTER

You what??

KRYTEN <hisses to KOCHANSKI>

It's a stupid idea! I told you it was a stupid idea!

KOCHANSKI <hisses back>

It was your idea!

KRYTEN <to KOCHANSKI>

Are you saying I'm stupid?

KOCHANSKI <hissing back>

No! I'm saying it was your stupid idea!

KOCHANSKI

It's our only chance to save you. It could be worse...

LISTER

What, you mean I could be planning a career in archery?

KOCHANSKI

You could be *dead*. Now, you said you'd consider anything, well, this is

it.

LISTER

Can I have some details? Something a little bit more inspiring than "can

I hack off your limb?"

KRYTEN

The plan is to inject anti-virals in a precise pattern through your body,

forcing epideme into your arm.

LISTER

And then you cut it off. Great plan.

What choice have I got...

Okay, but make it my left arm, okay. 'Cause my right arm does all my

favourite things.

KRYTEN

Okay, sir.

KOCHANSKI

Let's go! Chop-chop!

KOCHANSKI

Sorry...

[-- x - Int. Starbug medibay ---------------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI present. LISTER present, unconscious on the bed]

KRYTEN

Injecting anti-virals.

KOCHANSKI

Okay, virus heading north. Grid coordinate one-oh-nine point four.

KRYTEN

Ah, the pancreas.

KOCHANSKI

One-oh-four point two, on my mark... Mark.

And heading for the left shoulder: Three-oh-nine point zero...

No, no, no, no! Three-oh-eight! Three-oh-eight!

It's heading away from his left arm - four-oh-six point nine... point

eight... four-oh-six point five...

Virus heading into his right arm --

KRYTEN

The right arm, it's our only chance.

Laser bone saw, sir, quickly! Amputation mode: cut and cauterise!

KOCHANSKI

It's not enough.

KOCHANSKI

Still not enough.

<The saw buzzes again, and another two or three inches of forearm land in

the tissue disposal sack>

KOCHANSKI

Still not enough!

KOCHANSKI

Still not enough.

<Desperately, KRYTEN raises the amputation to the middle of LISTER's upper

arm>

KOCHANSKI

Okay!

If this doesn't work, we're out of options.

CAT

Whether it works or not, it's gonna be a cold day in hell before touch

barbecue wings again!

[-- x - Int. Starbug medibay ---------------------------------------------]

[LISTER present, asleep on the bed. KOCHANSKI present, seated by the

bedside, reading]

<LISTER wakes and peers at his left arm. Seeing it still there he smiles

with relief. Then, glancing to his right, he suddenly realises that *that*

arm has gone - he lets out an involuntary whimper>

KOCHANSKI <speaking into a comm unit>

He's awake!

LISTER

My *left* arm..? My left arm, I said! That's my right; what kind of

navigation officer can't tell left from right??

KOCHANSKI

We did the best we could; I am *so* sorry.

LISTER

Where is it?

KOCHANSKI

We flushed it into space, we had to.

LISTER

Ohh, my right arm... I did *everything* with that arm; we were

inseperable! At least, I thought we were.

[Enter KRYTEN, CAT]

KRYTEN

Mr Lister, sir, you're awake!

CAT

Buddy, you look great!

LISTER

Oh, it's not your fault. You did what you had to do to save my life.

LISTER

You haven't saved my life...

KOCHANSKI

Seven per cent of epideme's virions have found their way back into your

body. They're currently multiplying exponentially.

LISTER

So, to sum up: all's I've got to look forward to now is death,

zombification, and then a quick, after-death snog with either you or the

Cat? You've given my arm - *my* arm - for nothing?

KRYTEN

Not nothing, sir! Based on my calculations, it's bought you approximately

fifty-eight minutes more life.

LISTER

I - *What* am I gonna do with fifty-eight minutes more life??

CAT

Have half a juggling lesson?

LISTER

You're really not helping.

[-- x - Int. Sleeping quarters -------------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present, preparing LISTER's quarters for his return]

<KOCHANSKI steps over to the bed, plumps the pillows and lays them out side

by side, then moves away to sort out some clothes. KRYTEN, turning and

seeing the pillows, clucks to himself and re-arranges the two pillows one

atop the other. As he moves away and KOCHANSKI turns back to the bed, she

sees the pillows and again lays them out side by side. Annoyed now, KRYTEN

waits until she turns away and returns the pillows to the two-tier

formation>

KOCHANSKI

Kryten, he doesn't like them like that.

KRYTEN

Well, begging you pardon, ma'am, I've been with Mr Lister for many years

now. I don't need some 'Judy Come-Lately' advising me on his sleeping

arrangements.

KOCHANSKI

Kryten, in my dimension I co-habited with him... I think I know what

makes him happy in bed...

KRYTEN

So do I. A large packet of extra-spicy tortilla chips, and a really good

horror movie - preferably featuring some scantily-clad, kung-fu fighting

lady vampires.

[Enter CAT]

CAT

Hey, old five-fingers has checked out!

KOCHANSKI

Oh my god, you mean..?

CAT

No, not *dead*; checked out. He's gone. And about forty pounds of

Incinerex blasting plastic has gone missing from supply bunker seven.

You think there could be a connection..?

KOCHANSKI

Come on!

[-- x - Int. Starbug cargo hold ------------------------------------------]

[LISTER present, struggling to turn the airlock locking wheel and open the

heavy iron door]

[ENTER KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, CAT, onto the gantry above the deck]

KOCHANSKI

What are you doing?

LISTER

I'm just popping down the corner shop. Does anyone want anything?

KRYTEN

Sir, please, come back. There is no reason to return to the Leviathan.

LISTER

It's the only way, Kryten. Get back over there, detonate this stuff, and

destroy all traces of the virus. At least I'll rob it of the satisfaction

of killing me.

KOCHANSKI

Dave, close the airlock. What you're doing is *insane*.

CAT

She's right. You've already screwed up the ping-pong tournaments, now

you're gonna mess up the yo-yo championships too.

KOCHANSKI

Dave, don't go through that door! If you go through that door, I'll never

speak to you again as long as you --

[Exit LISTER]

KOCHANSKI

Oh my god, just how *stupid* am I?

KRYTEN

According to my calculations, ma'am --

KOCHANSKI

Kryten, shut up!

[-- x - Int. Drive room aboard the Leviathan -----------------------------]

[LISTER present]

<LISTER has wired up the universal translator. He activates it, and

EPIDEME's fractal visage appears on the holographic screen>

EPIDEME

Hey baby, what's this? The Christmas special?

LISTER

That's right, man, yeah! And look what I got you: forty pounds of

Incinerex.

EPIDEME

It's macho, but it's not you. You get what I'm sayin'?

LISTER

Let's set the timer for five minutes, shall we?

EPIDEME

Er, Dave, hel-looo?

KRYTEN [VO]

Leviathan, this is Starbug. Come in, sir.

[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, CAT present]

LISTER [Mic]

Kryten, get Starbug well away from here! You've got five minutes.

KOCHANSKI

Dave, listen to me. Dave - my Dave - had a saying: "even the word

'hopeless' has 'hope' in it"...

CAT

Maybe you had to be there..?

LISTER [Mic]

What the hell did that mean?

KOCHANSKI

You *can't* give up!

LISTER [Mic]

I'm dead already. Use your eyes. I look worse than the Grim Reaper's

passport photo.

KRYTEN

Please give us more time, sir? The medicomp might still come up with an

antidote.

LISTER [Mic]

There's no point. Look, I haven't... made a will... Kris? Under my bunk,

I want you to have the collection of songs I wrote about you.

KOCHANSKI

Collection?

LISTER [Mic]

Well, three. There's only two things that rhyme with 'Kochanski'; I used

'underpantski' twice...

Kryten, to you I leave all my laundry. Hey, keep it clean for me man.

KRYTEN

Oh, sir, you're too generous.

LISTER [Mic]

Cat, you can have anything you want from my wardrobe.

CAT

I can? Great! I need some hangers!

[-- x - Int. Drive room aboard the Leviathan -----------------------------]

LISTER

Sixty seconds left, epideme.

EPIDEME

Davvve, your heart says 'blow' but your brain says 'no!'. You're no

quitter - hell! - the people of this ship kept searching for a solution

right until the end! *They* never gave up.

LISTER

They didn't?

EPIDEME

Hell, *no*! They even overloaded their engines - so *sad*, 'cause they

were *so near*...

LISTER

So near... They weren't running *from* something, but *to* something...

Son-of-a-gun...

Kryten, man, change of plan!

[-- x - Int. Starbug medibay ----------------------------------------------]

[LISTER, KRYTEN, EPIDEME present]

KRYTEN

Er, sir, I've been meaning to ask: as you retain specialist knowledge from

each of your victims, and as the two of us have no gripe, I was wondering if

you'd be kind enough to fill in some gaps in *my* knowledge?

EPIDEME

Sure, shoot! I'm red hot in quantum mechanics, cell molecular biology and

TV theme tunes! Ask me *anything*...

KRYTEN

Very well. One thing I've always wanted to know: who on earth *was* the

fourth Marx brother?

EPIDEME

Zippo. *Easy*! Ask me a hard one.

KRYTEN

A hard one?

EPIDEME

A *HAAAAAAAARD* one... oouuugggh.

KRYTEN

Very well. How could Starbug's drive module be reconfigured to be made

more efficient?

EPIDEME <takes a deep beath>

Re-route the pulse relays by the auxilliary conductor node and transpose

all the prime numbers in the first line of the alphabet to the energy

equation. Thhbptptpt.

KRYTEN

And that would make Starbug more efficient?

EPIDEME

Thrrrreeee hundred percent faster!

LISTER

That's all we needed to know. The Leviathan was heading for Delta 7 for

the epideme cure. Trouble was, by the time *we* reached Delta 7 I'd be

dead.

KRYTEN

Unless we could work out a way of making the ship go faster.

LISTER

And now we have...

EPIDEME

Well I'll be the son-of-a-bacteria...

[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]

[CAT, KOCHANSKI present]

KOCHANSKI

How're we doing?

CAT

Like a speeding bullet stuck in the back end of a bat out of hell!

Going into orbit right now.

KOCHANSKI

Scanning surface... oh my god...

CAT

What is it?

KOCHANSKI

The planet, it's been flamed - there's nothing down there! Not a

building, not a plant... nothing...

[-- x - Int. Starbug medibay -------------------------------------------]

[LISTER, KRYTEN, EPIDEME present]

[Enter KOCHANSKI]

KOCHANSKI

You knew, didn't you?

EPIDEME

Heyyy, I had to do something to make Dave think there was hope. The whole

planet was flamed to get rid of me! But I'd allrrrready left, in one of the

Star Corps. medical engineers, who then made a housecall - to the Leviathan!

<Angry and frustrated, KOCHANSKI opens her mouth to retort, then appears to

suddenly think of something. She turns and rushes out>

[-- x - Int. Starbug medibay -------------------------------------------]

[LISTER, KRYTEN, EPIDEME present]

[Enter CAT]

CAT

How's it going?

KRYTEN

Life signs almost gone, sir.

EPIDEME

And in tomorrow's episode: Kris Kochanski has a nasty turn when Dave, her

hilarious decomposing boyfriend, returns from the grave to infect her with a

wacky, but charasmatic, virus!

Until then, good night...

[Exit EPIDEME]

[Enter KOCHANSKI]

KOCHANSKI

Okay, last roll of the dice. Dave, I'm gonna stop your heart, okay?

KRYTEN/CAT

What!?

KOCHANSKI [to LISTER]

It's the last chance to save you, *do you agree*?

LISTER

You're gonna prevent epideme from killing me by killing me..?

KOCHANSKI

I'll take that as a yes...

<KOCHANSKI raises a hypo-spray device to LISTER's chest and pumps a shot

into his heart. LISTER jolts then lies still>

KOCHANSKI

Is he..?

KRYTEN

Dead!? Yes, ma'am!

KRYTEN

Er, careful Miss Kochanski, don't get too close to him!

<As her hand approaches LISTER's mouth, his torso suddenly spasms.

Epideme's laughter rings out as LISTER sinks his teeth into KOCHANSKI's

hand, and LISTER falls back, unmoving>

KRYTEN

The epideme virus hass transferred to you! It's infected your hand!

EPIDEME

And the big showbiz news today is that, as expected, the long-running

virus, epideme, has been renewed for *another season*!

KOCHANSKI

Wrong, bug-head! You're *axed*!

<Her voice grating, KOCHANSKI picks up the laser saw and raises it over the

infected arm>

EPIDEME

No... no! Yaaaaagggghhh!

<Swiftly and unemotionally, KOCHANSKY drops the saw over the arm, severing

it at the elbow>

CAT

Oh - my - god! Did you see that!? She - she -

<Unable to get a grip on what he's just seen, CAT serenely keels over,

rigid>

KRYTEN

Miss Kochanski, ma'am! What - I mean - what - have you gone completely

insane?!?

KOCHANSKI

Kryten..!

<sounding much too cheerful for a woman who's just cut off her own arm,

KOCHANSKI reveals the bare and unblemished left arm of her own from behind

her back and flashes both triumphantly. KRYTEN gasps, eyes flashing

between the two arms attached to KOCHANSKI's body, and the arm lying on the

floor>

KOCHANSKI

It was Caroline Carmen's - I injected it with blood and adreneline!

KRYTEN

That really is quite extraordinary...

<KOCHANSKI heads to ward the exit hatch, KRYTEN following. They pass out of

sight, and KRYTEN's voice can be heard as they walk away:

KRYTEN

D'you know, I had you marked down as a bit of a madam, but I really have

to except that I'm going to have to get to like you at that. I mean, you do

annoy me to some degree but, really, that --

**MR LISTER**!!!!

[Enter KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, sprinting in from the corridor]

<KRYTEN squeals something, most likely a request to KOCHANSKI to pass him

the high voltage cardiac arrest pads>

KRYTEN

Clear!

<KRYTEN places the pads on LISTER's chest and fires a jolt of electricity

through LISTER's body. LISTER arches off the bed, but falls back lifeless.

KRYTEN

Clear!

<Again the pads fire, and again LISTER arches. As he falls back to the bed,

we hear him draw in a shuddering breath>

KRYTEN

Clear!

<One more jolt from the pads sends LISTER off the bed, and coughs and

splutters his way back to life>

LISTER

Ohh, where have I been?

KRYTEN

Well, for the last few minutes, sir, you've been dead...

LISTER

Wow...

KOCHANSKI

How did it feel?

LISTER

Ever been to Swindon?

<Unexpectedly, KOCHANSKI's leans forward and places a gentle kiss on

LISTER's forehead>

LISTER

What's that for?

KOCHANSKI

For not staying dead!

<As she steps back, KRYTEN fussily moves in and, with a duster, dabs at

LISTER's forehead. He turns back to KOCHANSKI as he dabs, explaining:>

KRYTEN

Germs.

[---------------------------- END OF "EPIDEME" ----------------------------]

[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor

and Paul Alexander; no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended.

Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at "raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk"

Thanks.]