Beyond a Joke

Beyond a Joke - Script v0.7

...Clearing House...

Raz, Datalink-Karma, 1996-97

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Insert witty header here...

@ 09May97

You really thought the "Beyond a Joke" script wasn't coming!

This is version 0.7 of the script, and is getting close to completetion. As a bonus, this one's been checked against the original too.

[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor and Robert Llewellyn, no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at the usual addy. Thanks.]

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Raz, DTLK, 1996-97 9May97 +

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[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]

RED DWARF - SERIES 7

[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]

EPISODE 6 -- BEYOND A JOKE

[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]

Version 0.7

27 February - 3 March, 1997

Last updated: 9 May, 1997

Raz / raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk

http://www.mushroom.demon.co.uk

Credits for corrections:

Matt White, Annette McIntosh and the original script

[-- 1 - Int. Starbug ------------------------------------------------------]

LISTER

Mm! Smells good, Kryten. What is it?

KRYTEN

Something I caught scuttling around the cargo bay, sir... managed to land

a monkey wrench on it, and the rest is history!

LISTER

'Scuttling thing, a la monkey wrench'? Kryten, nothing I'm prepared to

eat has ever scuttled. This mouth is a scuttle-free zone.

It does smell good though, what is it?

KRYTEN

Ah, the only clue I'm prepared to give, sir, is: we're having it with

green wine...

LISTER

It's space weevil, isn't it...

KRYTEN

It is not, no, sir.

LISTER

Look, the rule is simple: I will not eat any animal that has ever been a

cartoon. Weevils, rabbits, dogs, cats, mice, road-runners; all out. I'm

not a cartoonivore!

KRYTEN

Ta-daa!

LISTER

Lobster!

KRYTEN

Poached, in a delicate cream sauce, sir. Little so-en-so escaped in the

hold.

LISTER

Where did you get a live lobster?

KRYTEN

The S.S. Centauri, they had four in their stasis block.

LISTER

You've really gone to a lot of trouble over this, haven't you...

KRYTEN

You don't know what day it is, do you, sir?

LISTER

Today? Someone's birthday?

KRYTEN

Nope.

LISTER

Christmas? Easter?

KRYTEN

Nope.

LISTER

National Have Something That Scuttles For Dinner day?

KRYTEN

No.

LISTER

Well, what then?

KRYTEN

Today is the day that you rescued me from the Nova 5 - I thought we should

have a surprise celebration!

LISTER

I had no idea! Why didn't you say?

Ahh, if you'd *said*, it wouldn't have been much of a surprise, right?

KRYTEN

Prescisely, sir, it would have been about as unsurprising as an episode

of Tales Of The Unexpected.

LISTER

Eh?

KRYTEN

The old Channel 72 show. It was... Everyone... <ahem> Never mind.

[Enter KOCHANSKI, CAT]

KOCHANSKI

Okay everyone? Ready? Let's go!

KRYTEN

Go?

CAT

We're going to the Artificial Reality suite! We just loaded in that new

software we picked up from the S.S. Centauri.

KOCHANSKI

Can you believe the luck? Finding a working copy of Jane Austin world??

It's the luckiest find I've made since I discovered that tube of leg-wax

under the medi-scanner.

CAT

You found my leg-wax?

KOCHANSKI

We're going to visit 'Pride And Prejudice' land. This is gonna be *so*

great!

CAT

It's Chick City, bud! Five sisters and they're all hotter than a

Mustang's exhaust!

KRYTEN

But, what about the supper??

LISTER

The thing is... we didn't *know*.

KOCHANSKI

Just, put it in the oven, and we'll have it in a couple of hours.

KRYTEN

But, I mean, it's just --

KOCHANSKI

Look, I'm just trying to get the Bozo Brothers here interested in

something slightly more culturally sophisticated than 'Name That Smell', or

the even more popular 'How Many Marbles Can You Fit Up Your Nostril' game...

We'll have it when we get back.

KRYTEN

And you're going to go with them, sir? This is... It's unbelievable.

KOCHANSKI

I know! Davey and Jane Austin are not an obvious pairing - but think

about it: she's closely identifiable to Bath in the 19th century, and that

was the last time Dave had one! <laughs>

[Exit KOCHANSKI, CAT]

LISTER

I just thought I'd check it out... Y'know, I never had much of an

education, what with being and orphan, and going to art college. Thought I

might learn something here.

KRYTEN

Of course. How silly of me. After all, you've always been a big fan of

penetrating 19th century observations of middle-class manners. I mean, just

because you own a t-shirt advertising the rock band 'Colostomy Explosion'

doesn't mean you're not a master of erudition!

LISTER

Oh, just stick it in the oven, come and join us and we'll have it when we

get back!

KRYTEN

Two days I've spent, preparing this!

LISTER

Kryten, I've gotta go, man, they're waiting for me. I'm sorry.

[Exit LISTER]

KRYTEN

I don't know why I bother. Gallivanting off like that! And on our

aniversary too!

[-- x - OB. A forest within the AR simulation ----------------------------]

[KOCHANSKI, CAT, LISTER present]

KOCHANSKI

'Pride and Prejudice' world! When I was fourteen in Cyberschool I used

to spend *all* my time here.

CAT

These strides are too tackle-tight, Officer B-B. I can barely cruise!

KOCHANSKI

Look, just try and appreciate the nuances and culture.

CAT

I'm tryin', but it's real hard when there's a seam splicing your nadgers

in two!

KOCHANSKI

You're gonna spoil this for us, aren't you...

LISTER

No he won't, he'll be fine. Look man, all clothes were a bit nadger-

restricting back in them days. That's why there were so many wars.

KOCHANSKI

Okay? Let's interact with the characters, then perhaps you can *begin* to

understand why the book is such a masterpiece..?

<KOCHANSKI takes out a small device used to interface with AR control

computer and presses a button on its pad. Five young women fade into

existance, along with an older, maternal woman>

KOCHANSKI

Ah! Good morning, Mrs Bennet. Is it not a most fine day?

MRS BENNET

'Tis an utter delight and no mistake.

Oh, we don't believe we've had the pleasure of meeting your handsome

young friends..?

KOCHANSKI

This is Mr Lister, and his friend Mr Cat.

MRS BENNET

Perhaps you would like to join us on a turn around the forest, and later

have tea in Mr Bingley's gazebo?

LYDIA

Oh please, ma-ma, can they come?

KITTY

May they? Oh, that would be so delightful!

LYDIA

Oh yes, oh, please! Oh do! Do come to tea, oh please, please!

CAT <to LISTER>

They're so hot they're steamin'!

[-- x - Int. Starbug -----------------------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN present]

KRYTEN

"Cook it", "don't cook it", "do this", "do that"! Well, I'm sorry, I'm

gonna make you eat this damn supper if it's the last thing I do!

[-- x - OB. Woodland within AR simulation -------------------------------]

[ALL present, KRYTEN stalking the party]

<we hear the girls giggling as the party makes their way slowly through

the woodland>

<KRYTEN catches next sister, Jane, in a rope trap and silences her with the

blowpipe>

[-- x - Int. Starbug AR suite --------------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN present. His headset disengages, and KRYTEN turns to the control

pad beside his chair]

KRYTEN

Just borrow the T-72 from the WW2 game... and then I think we'll have

*everyone's* attention...

<KRYTEN taps commands into the console intently, then sits back in his

chair. The headset closes over his face and he returns to the game world>

[-- x - OB. Gazebo by a lakeside in the AR simulation --------------------]

[ALL present]

MRS BENNET

Where on earth have dear Lizzie and Jane disappeared to? Such rudeness!

I'm most vexed!

KOCHANSKI

Never mind, Mrs Bennet, I'm sure they'll be --

<KOCHANSKI breaks off as Mrs Bennet turns and stares at the lake with open-

mouthed horror. KOCHANSKI follows her gaze, and sees a mean-looking T-72

battle tank roll out of the lake. It rolls to halt at the water's edge, and

it's hatch opens. KRYTEN appears from within the tank>

KRYTEN

Perhaps I didn't make myself clear? I said: 'supper is ready'!

<KRYTEN fires a round from the tank which decimates the gazebo. When the

smoke clears, only LISTER, CAT and KOCHANSKI remain>

KRYTEN

Is anyone still unclear as to the supper situation? No? Excellent.

LISTER <quietly>

I didn't know robots *got* PMT!

[-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section -----------------------------------------]

[ALL present. The mood is tense as LISTER, KOCHANSKI and CAT sit down to

KRYTEN's lovingly prepared meal]

LISTER

It's nice, Kryts, really nice.

KOCHANSKI

It's really great.

LISTER

In fact, it's better than nice, it's fantastic.

KOCHANSKI

Isn't it great?

LISTER

It's really great.

KOCHANSKI

Really, really great.

CAT

Are we eating the same stuff?

KRYTEN

I don't know *why* I make the effort. No one appreciates the *hours* I

put into food prep! My fingers are practically worn down to the endo-

skeleton.

LISTER

Is there any ketchup?

KRYTEN

Any *what*?

LISTER

Ketchup. I just thought it could do with a bit of ketchup...

Just a dollop..?

KRYTEN

Ketchup??

KOCHANSKI

Oh my god...

KRYTEN

You want *ketchup*??

LISTER

Errm... brown! Not tomato! Brown! It's not like I've got *no* class...

KRYTEN

With lobster? You want *brown* ketchup?

LISTER

It's really nice Kryts, but you know me, I just thought it could do with

a bit of a pep-up...

KRYTEN

I *can't* believe it. I simply cannot b --

<KRYTEN's head explodes, showering the diners with plastic, pieces of circuit

board and fizzing wires>

CAT

Oh well done, bud! Now *we'll* have to do the washing up!

KOCHANSKI <standing and examining KRYTEN>

He's *literally* blown his top!

Cat, can you go and get a spare head?

CAT

How come I have to do everything around here? I never get a second to

myself! "Cat do this", "Cat do that"; what am I? A dog?

[-- x - Int. Starbug medi-bay -------------------------------------------]

[LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]

<LISTER is fiddling with a spare head. After a moment, he screws the head

onto KRYTEN's shoulders>

LISTER

There. I think that's it; boot him up.

KOCHANSKI

You're *sure* you know what you're doing?

LISTER

Hey...

<KOCHANSKI taps commands into a terminal, and they both watch the mechanoid.

Suddenly KRYTEN's eyes flick open>

KRYTEN

Ketchup?? With *lobster*, you want --

KOCHANSKI

I thought you said you knew what you were doing!

LISTER

No, I just said 'hey'. If you'd let me finish the whole sentence it'd

have been: 'hey... no I don't'.

[Enter CAT]

CAT

Any luck?

KOCHANSKI

We've been back and forth through his core program and, as far as we can

tell, nothing's wrong.

CAT

Maybe worth testing it with one of his spare heads?

LISTER

*What* spare heads...

KOCHANSKI

We've blown them all out!

LISTER

Look at it - have you ever seen so many blackheads outside the staffroom

of a fried chicken franchise?

KOCHANSKI

We've managed to save his RAM chips, so at least we've got his personality

on disk, but, that's about it...

CAT

Life without a head... that's gonna put a real crimp on his lifestyle. I

mean, what can you do without a head?

LISTER

Apart from being you? Hardly anything.

KOCHANSKI

We're going to have to get him another one, somehow.

LISTER

I should've been looking out for him. How could I let this happen?

KOCHANSKI

When was the Centauri built..? Maybe they had a mechanoid service unit?

LISTER <to CAT>

*Think*. Any clues when it was built?

KOCHANSKI

Which century?

CAT

It had those big crystalline turbine drives... I'd say 21st, or 22nd

century.

Maybe even 23rd or 24th. At the outside, 25th, 26th or 27th. But don't

hold me to it.

KOCHANSKI

And we're asking his advice?? Let's at least ask someone who's at least

going to give us a slightly more intelligent opinion:

Hello, wall! What do *you* think?

LISTER

Hang on, hang on...

KOCHANSKI

What're you doing?

LISTER

Logging on to their mainframe... If there's a Divadroid signature on

their supplies inventory then its possible there're some mech heads 'round

there somewhere.

CAT

Maybe 29th...

[-- x - Int. The Centauri ------------------------------------------------]

[On-board the Centauri. miscellaneous mech parts scattered around>

[LISTER, KOCHANSKI, CAT present]

KOCHANSKI

Look!

LISTER

Hey; simulant... probably rogue - let's get the smeg outta here!

LISTER [VO]

Hmm, you smell good...

CAT [VO]

Thanks!

[a simulant passes by their hiding place and disappears into the bowels of

the derelict ship]

KOCHANSKI

They're all missing their primers.

LISTER

Well this Johnny won't help us. Simulants hate everything human or

humanoid. In fact, anything beginning with a 'hu'...

KOCHANSKI

Probably hate the third largest city in Vietnam, then... <laugh>

LISTER

[BEAT]

How's that?

KOCHANSKI

Because it's called 'Hue', dummy.

Well, actually, it's pronounced 'Hwah', but if I'd said 'hwah' it wouldn't

have been as funny.

KOCHANSKI

Any navigation conference *anywhere*, they would be in the *aisles* with

a quip like that.

LISTER

Probably trying to get out the building before you quipped again...

KOCHANSKI

Well, the point I was trying to make is that sims hate humans, but they

don't hate GELFs...

CAT

But, we're not GELFs...

KOCHANSKI

We could be...

[-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section -----------------------------------------]

[CAT and KOCHANSKI dressed in GELF suits. KOCHANSKI holds a leash around

LISTERs neck]

LISTER

This is nuts!

KOCHANSKI

We look great! What are you talking about?

LISTER

This is never gonna work.

KOCHANSKI

Ak ak ak akka ak? Ha ak?

CAT

Hyak ak ak ak! Ak akakakak!

LISTER

You *can't* speak GELF...

KOCHANSKI

Neither can the sim! We'll just do an impression of you first thing in

the morning and we'll be fine!

Come on, boy...

[-- x - Int. The Centauri ------------------------------------------------]

[CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]

LISTER

This is so demeaning - I feel like a piece of meat!

CAT

There's someone up there!

LISTER

It's worse than a chronic catarr sufferers' annual outing!

[-- x - Int. Room within the centauri ------------------------------------]

[KOCHANSKI, CAT present, seated at a table with the SIMULANT. LISTER

present standing, leashed, between the other two Dwarfers]

[KOCHANSKI hacks and coughs in 'GELF', and gestures at a rail of mech heads]

SIMULANT

After spare mech heads, 'ey?

SIMULANT

'Uman! Lovely with a bit of mint sauce! 'Ow about a trade?

CAT

We ain't sellin', okay? Fuel, supplies, anything, but not the human.

CAT

I was just tellin' him - no deal.

CAT

Like she says: no deal.

CAT

You tell him, Bud-Babe! No deal! You got that?

SIMULANT

So... you speak Earth, 'ey?

<Realising his mistake, CAT's face slides into a sickly smile and he utters

a single hack, thumb and index finger of one had raised and close together>

SIMULANT

Tails... you can 'ave the mech 'eads for free... 'eads... I take the

'uman.

LISTER

Hey, wait a minute!

SIMULANT

It's tails, the 'eads are yours. And, 'ere, are the primers. Now, 'ow

about a toast, 'ey? To Simulants: the greatest droids in the Universe -

but never trust 'em, 'ey? Cheers!

[-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section ----------------------------------------]

[Starbug looks to have been hit by an internal hurricane]

[Enter LISTER, KOCHANSKI, CAT]

LISTER

Aw, we've been set up!

CAT

But how??

KOCHANSKI

He must have had a sidekick - he kept us talking while his mate ransacked

the ship!

LISTER <alarmed>

Kryten!

[Exit ALL, running]

[-- x - Int. Starbug medi-bay --------------------------------------------]

[The medi-bay hasn't escaped attention, either]

[Enter ALL]

LISTER

They've taken his RAM chip, too...

[-- x - Int. Workshop aboard the Centauri --------------------------------]

[SIMULANT present, another mechanoid present; same head as Kryten but a

green body shell]

SIMULANT

'Ere's a little job for you, Able. Looks like a negadrive blow back.

ABLE <broad, slightly slurring accent>

Oh wow! Another mech.

SIMULANT

Fix 'im, ready for market, or I'll apply the electro-leash to your

nipple nuts.

ABLE

Fix him, or get fried nipple nuts? Er, er, I think I'm gonna choose the

'fix him' option! Deal!

SIMULANT

'Urry up! You stupid 'zoney!

<The SIMULANT bounces an iron bar over the mech's bald head, bending the bar

with the force>

ABLE

Is now a good time to ask about a pay rise?

ABLE

Uh, I'm almost out of Otrozone, I need some more.

SIMULANT

Fix the mech, first. 'Ere's 'is RAM chip.

[Exit SIMULANT]

<ABLE picks up a tall, unlabelled bottle, opens his chest screen and plugs

the bottle into the cavity. As the contents seep in, ABLE's face turns

beautific, and he sighs happily. After a short time he removes the bottle

and closes the orifice>

ABLE

Totally tubular!

[FADE]

[-- x - Int. Workshop aboard the Centauri --------------------------------]

[Some hours later, while ABLE has been tinkering with Kryten]

KRYTEN

Goodness me! What a peculiar experience.

Thank you, Mr... er - Mr... er -- What is your name?

ABLE

Er, just give me a second, okay?

ABLE

I've just sent that query down to long term memory retrieval. It'll be

back in no time.

[BEAT]

Hang on, here it comes.

[BEAT]

Told you it would be quick.

[BEAT]

Able. My name's Able: A - B - L - E, Able.

KRYTEN

My name is Kryten. You're a 4000-series, too, aren't you?

ABLE

Er, hang on. Won't take a tick.

KRYTEN

Please, don't bother. Believe me, you *are* a 4000.

ABLE

Well, I could check - it'll only take about twenty seconds.

KRYTEN

Your serial number's '2X4C' - I'm a 2X4c too! We must have the same

motherboard.

ABLE

Wohh, then you're my bro'! Hey, wow, you wanna try some Otrozone?

KRYTEN

Otrozone's dangerous and highly addictive!

ABLE

Why, I only use it every now and then, y'know? It helps me get through

the day.

KRYTEN

Well how come you ended up here?

ABLE

Er, hang on.

<Again, ABLE tenses himself up and makes a straining noise>

KRYTEN

What an irritating characteristic...

ABLE

Okay: the ship I was on, well, it, er, kind of crashed a bit.

KRYTEN

'Crashed a bit'?

ABLE

All the crew just lay there and they didn't talk to me anymore. Then,

after a couple of years I figured out they must be dead. Then a long time

later, the Simulant guy came and picked me up. He's a bit of a psychopathic

killing machine, but, he has his good side. And, he has a huge stash of

Otrozone!

You sure you won't try some, Kryten? Bro'?

KRYTEN

I'm not your bro', and I do *not* touch Otrozone! It corrupts your

circuit boards!

ABLE

Well, that's what people say, but... where's the evidence?

[BEAT]

Have I just said that?

[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]

[ALL present]

LISTER

Appoaching the Centauri - 80 clicks and closing. Nice and easy, man...

CAT

Hang on - their retros have started up. They've spotted us!

<The Centauri's massive rear thrusters suddenly glare with energy and the

ship streaks away from Starbug>

KOCHANSKI

Look at the accelleration of that thing! They're already halfway across

the sector!

LISTER

The Centauri can travel at speeds that we can only dream of...

CAT

Most ice cream vans can travel at speeds we can only dream of...

LISTER

<sigh> We're never gonna catch them now. We've lost Kryten.

KOCHANSKI

Okay, turn the thrusters to maximum speed on a bearing Q23 stroke J80.

LISTER

This is the opposite direction to the Centauri - full speed!

KOCHANSKI

Precisely.

CAT

Well, why do we wanna do that?

KOCHANSKI

It's totally insane.

LISTER

So why *do* we wanna do it then?

KOCHANSKI

The only reason I can think of is if we've planted something on the

Centauri and we knew it was gonna blow any second.

CAT

But we haven't.

KOCHANSKI

No, we haven't. But explain this: if we haven't, why are we in such a

rush to get the hell out of here?

CAT

It doesn't make sense.

KOCHANSKI

Exactly.

LISTER

Unless we really *have* planted a bomb on the Centauri.

KOCHANSKI

Which we haven't.

CAT

So wait a minute. Even if we didn't plant a bomb, the only thing that

really explains what we're doing is if we did! Which we didn't! But we

must have! Because, otherwise, what we're doing is totally nuts!

KOCHANSKI

Exactly.

LISTER

They've turned around and started tracking us!

[SHOT: KOCHANSKI, smiling smugly]

CAT

What a fluke!

[SHOT: KOCHANSKI's smile crumbles incredulously]

[-- x - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------------]

[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]

LISTER

Getting an incoming... someone's beaming on board... cargo bay!

[-- x - Int. Starbug cargo bay -------------------------------------------]

[Enter LISTER, KOCHANSKI, CAT, taking cover behind bulkheads. SIMULANT,

GELF PARTNER, ABLE, KRYTEN present]

SIMULANT

We know about the bomb.

CAT

So we *did* plant a bomb! I was beginning to wonder.

SIMULANT

Where did you hide it!? Speak! Or you'll spend the rest of the day

picking bits of charred mech out of your clothing.

CAT

Er, can I change into dungarees?

LISTER

Hand over Kryten and we'll tell ya.

SIMULANT

Clearly, I need to prove myself...

Kryten, that file in your CPU; the one you've never been able to access...

The password is '4X2C'...

ABLE

Hang on a minute...

SIMULANT

It's about your creator, Kryten - Dr Mammett.

KOCHANSKI

Kryten, no!

KRYTEN

Acessing now...

No! It can't be true... It can't...

ABLE

The truth is in there - that's what turned me into a 'zoney.

SIMULANT

Who's next? The Cat? Or the woman? Choose - heads or tails?

ABLE

Heads!

<ABLE suddenly removes his head and pushes it out behind him, thumping

it into the temple of the GELF which stands close by. ABLE then throws his

head at the SIMULANT, knocking him out. LISTER rushes in, swing-kicks him in

the head and knocks him to the ground, then shoots at the GELF and knocks

it unconscious>

LISTER

Right, lets send them back to their ship and get the hell out of 'ere

before they get their smeg together!

[-- x - Int. Starbug -----------------------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN present, sitting motionlessly]

[Enter LISTER]

LISTER

Kryten, man, what's wrong? You look sadder than the salad you get with a

takaway shaami kebab.

Tell me what you found out about your creator.

KRYTEN

I can't, sir, it's too terrible.

LISTER

Kryten, me and you are amigos; you've gotta tell me.

KRYTEN

Well, you keep secrets from me, sir.

LISTER

Like what?

KRYTEN

What about your nickname when you were at school?

LISTER

What nickname?

KRYTEN

I know what it was.

LISTER

I don't think so; no one knows that.

KRYTEN

Well, I'm afraid that's just not true, "Fatboy". You talk in your sleep.

LISTER

It was for a couple of years! Eleven to thirteen when I was living with

m' gran. She was massive, her stockings used to rub together when she

walked; when she was in a hurry it sounded like a steam train pulling out of

a station!

I started getting fat too. It really hit home when she died. She got

knocked down by this truck, and the chalk outline guys had to go back to the

truck for a second piece of chalk! I thought: I don't want to end up like

that, double-chalker!

If you ever tell Kris or the Cat this, you're in pieces. Now tell me

about you creator.

KRYTEN

Oh, it's so humiliating!

LISTER

Tell me about Professor Mammett!

KRYTEN

Well, she was due to marry John Warburton, a fellow bio-engineer. He

jilted her the day before their wedding, so she decided to create a droid in

his image - a pompous, ridiculous-looking, mother-hen clucking, irascible

buffoon.

LISTER

What happenned to this droid?

KRYTEN

That droid, sir, is me!

LISTER

Pompous? Ridiculous-looking? Mother-hen clucking? Oh yeah, I see now...

KRYTEN

We're all John Warburton, sir, the entire 4000-series. It was Mammett's

revenge.

LISTER

Well, judging from the length of your groinal attachment, you can see why

she was so sad to lose him...

KRYTEN

As part of the joke, all my negative emotions - jealousy, anger - are

stored on a special file; my 'negadrive'. Now, when this file gets full it

blows! Just like he used to.

LISTER

All your resentment's in this thing? It's so small.

KRYTEN

Oh, don't be fooled by that, sir. This box contains the greatest

concentration of anger, jealousy and resentment outside a BAFTA awards

ceremony!

LISTER

Able felt betrayed, lost all his self-esteem; it's what turned him to

Otrozone. He told me - he's promised to quit.

KRYTEN

How could Mammett have done this?

LISTER

Kryten, you may have started out as a joke, but you've grown, you've

changed. Look how different you are to Able. If Mammett came in here now,

I bet she wouldn't even recognise you.

KRYTEN

I've evolved?

LISTER

You bet.

KRYTEN

I've become something that's... beyond a joke?

LISTER

Too right, man.

[Enter KOCHANSKI]

KOCHANSKI

There's something coming in from the starboard bow!

[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]

[CAT, KOCHANSKI present]

[Enter LISTER, KRYTEN]

CAT

The Sim's back; he's got a lock on!

LISTER

Reverse thrust - go! Five, niner, seven.

KOCHANSKI

Missed, but still locked on! Right, I'm taking us into that asteroid

belt.

CAT

Oh, not an asteroid belt!

KOCHANSKI

Is that a problem?

CAT

It sure is! Everything tips from side to side, and my hair gets all

messed up!

KOCHANSKI

So what do we do? Stay here and get splattered??

CAT

Rather that than me looking like Tina Turner!

LISTER

I'm taking us in.

KRYTEN

Once we're in the belt, we'll have to maintain ship and engine silence

'till he's convinced we're not there.

[-- x - Int. Centauri Ops room -------------------------------------------]

[SIMULANT present]

SIMULANT

I know you're in that belt... somewhere...

One little mistake... and you're mine...

<MONTAGE: once powered down, the crew spend a tense few hours passing time

in the mid-section. Left by himself, Able wanders into the cockpit to take

a hit of Otrozone. He accidentally leans on a switch on the control panel,

powering up their engines and causing an energy surge>

SIMULANT

The mistake is made...

[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]

[ABLE present]

[Enter ALL]

LISTER

What happenned, man!?

ABLE

I dunno, I don't know nothin'!

CAT

Clear out of here!

KRYTEN

Leave *him* to me!

[Exit ABLE, KRYTEN]

[-- x - Int. Starbug --------------------------------------------------]

[Enter ABLE, KRYTEN]

ABLE <spaced out and laughing>

Oh, I think I may have pressed the wrong button...

KRYTEN <agrily>

You have jeapordised the lives of the entire crew, breaking the most

basic, fundamental command codes!

ABLE

I'm sorry - I didn't mean nuthin'...

[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]

[LISTER, CAT, KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN present>

LISTER

This dude's real mad, we don't stand a chance!

KOCHANSKI

I can't throw him off; nothing's working, I'm using every trick I know to

distract him!

CAT

Pity we can't all moon out of the starboard portholes! That always works

for me!

LISTER

Wait! Someone's left the ship - an escape pod!

KRYTEN

It's Able!

LISTER

It's heading towards the Sim's ship.

KRYTEN

Why, that slimy, double-crossing, two-faced piece of scum! He's no

brother of mine!

LISTER

He's fired something at them...

<A wide beam of sickly green light spills out of the pod and envelops the

Centauri>

CAT

Some sort of energy field... looks heavy.

KRYTEN

The negadrive! He's used my negadrive energy and re-routed it through the

escape pod's thrusters. The Simulant ship is engulfed in all my negativity.

[-- x - Int. Centauri Ops room -------------------------------------------]

[SIMULANT present]

SIMULANT

It's all 'opeless! Nobody loves me... I'm so ugly!

I never get invited to parties! I 'ate this ship! I 'ate *everything*!

<The SIMULANT, thorougly smegged off, pumps round after round from his

blaster into the control equipment of the command deck. Several of the

shots obviously cause critical damage, for moments later the Centauri

shudders and explodes spectacularly.

A tiny object is blasted away from the Centauri; it whizzes by the camera

and is captured by the gravity well of a nearby moon. The object streaks

toward the surface>

[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]

[ALL present]

KOCHANSKI

Able's pod just crash-landed.

LISTER

He threw his life away to save us and we hardly knew him...

KRYTEN

With your permission, sirs, ma'am, I should like to recover the body and

perform last rites.

[-- x - Int. Starbug cargo bay -------------------------------------------]

[ALL present. KRYTEN carries the motionless body of ABLE out of the pod]

LISTER

Do you need a hand, Kryts?

KRYTEN

He ain't heavy, sir, he's my *brother*.

[-- x - Int. An indian restaurant in an AR simulation --------------------]

[ALL present, together with MRS BENNETT and the SISTERS from Pride And

Prejudice World]

LISTER

Great anniversary party, Kryters - Curry World! Fan-smeggin'-tastic!

MRS BENNET

How utterly splendid! Mine's the 'vindaloo', whatever that is!

KOCHANSKI

Mrs Bennett, Jane, Kitty: I beg you have the omlette with the big chips.

Curries are an aquired taste...

MRS BENNET

Oh *nonsense*! Mr Darcy didn't think Jane would enjoy french apples, but

she did, didn't you Jane?

Now, tuck in, girls!

[MRS BENNET and the girls start eating, their faces showing some suprise]

MRS BENNETT

I do declare, Mr Lister, this is most scrumptious!

KITTY

Oh ma-ma, it's the most succulent dish I've ever tasted!

JANE

A most meritorious venture.

[KOCHANSKI, LISTER and CAT take a mouthful of their own curries, and they

just enough time to swallow before...]

KOCHANSKI, LISTER, CAT

AAaarrggg!!

KRYTEN

Curious - there must be some sort of bug in the program...

LISTER

I'm on fire!!

CAT

Water!

KOCHANSKI

Somebody help me!

KRYTEN

Don't worry, sir, I'll work on it...

[------------------------- END OF "BEYOND A JOKE" -------------------------]

[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor

and Robert Llewellyn; no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended.

Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at "raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk"

Thanks.]