Blue - Script v0.6
Raz, Datalink-Karma, 1996-97
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
By all that's wobbly!
@ 9May97
At last, he's started the "Blue" script!
This is version 0.6 of the script, and is of course,
unfinished. This version now offers the entire dialogue, including the scene
changes and set directions. Keep checking back for more complete versions.
[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode
by Doug Naylor and Kim Fuller; no copyright infringement or toe-stepping
intended. Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at the usual addy.
Thanks.]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Raz, DTLK, 1996-97 10May97
+
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[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
RED DWARF - SERIES 7
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
EPISODE 5 -- BLUE
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
Version 0.6
18-19 February, 1997
Last updated: 10 May 1997
Raz / raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk
http://www.mushroom.demon.co.uk
Credits for corrections:
Martin Guy, Annette
McIntosh and the original script, Jez, TJ, Daniel Noll
[------------------ <RUN NEW RED DWARF 7 TITLE
SEQUENCE> ------------------]
[-- 1 - Int. Starbug
------------------------------------------------------]
[LISTER present, polishing a pair of boots]
[Enter KRYTEN]
<KRYTEN, noticing what LISTER is doing, stands surprised
for a moment before
speaking>
KRYTEN
Good morning,
sir! How about a little breakfast? What would you say to a
dozen grilled winkels on a bed of curried rice crispies?
LISTER
I'm not eatin' that
spicy stuff any more.
KRYTEN
Forgive me, sir,
but the phenomena of you not eating spicy food is like
a - a - zebra not being stripy, or an old lady not sitting
on a park bench
with her legs open.
May I ask why?
LISTER
Apart from anything
else it makes y' breath smell like a lift full of
senile donkeys returning from a gargling contest.
KRYTEN
Well, that's never
bothered you before, sir..?
LISTER
Well it bothers me
*now*, okay?
KRYTEN
It's because of
*her*, isn't it... 'she who must be drooled over'...
LISTER
You mean Kris?
KRYTEN
Whatever *my*
feelings, sir, I will *not* be tempted into making petty
criticisms of fellow crewmembers.
There is, of
course, the issue of the salad cream...
LISTER
'The salad
cream'..?
KRYTEN
I spent many months
training everyone to put the salad cream in the
fridge. Then *she*
comes on board, and - lo and behold! - it turns up back
in the cupboard!
LISTER <sarcastic>
The first moon we
come to - let's dump her!
[-- x - Int. Starbug corridor
---------------------------------------------]
[Enter LISTER, KRYTEN]
KRYTEN
And what about the
extra laundry? Now there are all kinds
of
extraordinary items turning up in the dirty linen basket:
tights; bras;
skimpy vests; little socks - tut, it's a massive extra
workload! Frank is
very upset.
LISTER
Frank?
KRYTEN
The washing
machine. I named him Frank, he works
better with an identity.
And what about the
ironing? I mean, *how* do you iron a
bra??
LISTER
Well, you've gotta
take it off first...
I spent years
practicing that - used to put m' nan's bra around the
armchair until I could unhook it with m' left hand. Even now, whenever I
see a Parker Knoll I get horny.
[-- x - Int. Starbug Mid-section
------------------------------------------]
[Enter LISTER, KRYTEN]
KRYTEN
But have you ever
tried to iron a bra, sir? The only way
I've found is
to stretch each container over my head, and iron it from
there. Believe me,
on a hot cotton setting it sends my optical systems into
leak overload.
LISTER
Cup.
KRYTEN
Sorry, sir?
LISTER
They're not called
containers, they're called cups.
KRYTEN
See? I even have to learn new terminology,
special *female* terminology:
'cups', 'pot pourri', 'depillatory cream' - oh! It's never-ending.
<LISTER wearily walks to the galley, KRYTEN following>
LISTER
How come you don't
know what bras are? What about the
women on the
Nova 5?
KRYTEN
Well, when I
cleaned up my cache files, sir, I erased my lingerie
database. I didn't
see there's be much call for it, unless we had a fancy
dress party, and you wanted to go as Herman Goering.
LISTER
Anyway, you can
relax, Kryten. She programmed the scan
probe last week,
and it's returned the coordinates of the dimensional
tear. This time
tomorrow she'll be back in her own dimension.
KRYTEN
Well you're surely
not upset, sir?
LISTER
Look, if you've got
a problem with *her*, say something to *her*.
KRYTEN
I think I will!
LISTER
There's no point
whinging to me about it, say it to *her*.
[Enter KOCHANSKI]
KOCHANSKI
Hi guys, how's it
going?
KRYTEN
Ah! Morning Miss Kochanski, ma'am! Sleep well?
LISTER <to KRYTEN>
Coward.
<LISTER passes back into the mid-section>
KRYTEN <to LISTER>
Hypocrite.
<KRYTEN too re-enters the mid-section>
KOCHANSKI
Erm, not great,
actually. Had this really weird dream
about a monkey
being stretched across a tennis court... noise was just unbearable...
Where you
practising the guitar again last night?
<LISTER avoids her eyes, and KOCHANSKI walks over to the
galley>
KOCHANSKI
So, what's for
breakfast?
<Opens fridge>
KOCHANSKI
Ah, what's this
doing in here?
<KOCHANSKI takes the salad cream from fridge and puts it
in a coupboard>
KRYTEN <to LISTER>
Hold me back! *Hold* me back!
[-- x - Model shot
--------------------------------------------------------]
[-- x - Int. Sleeping quarters --------------------------------------------]
[LISTER, KRYTEN present]
KRYTEN
Don't you see, sir,
these deviations from established Space Corps. drill
could put our lives in jeapardy!
LISTER
She was only drying
her tights on the radiator!
KRYTEN
That's the thin end
of the wedge, sir! One day it's drying
tights, the
next we're spiralling out of control into the core of a
newly-formed sun!
[Enter KOCHANSKI]
KOCHANSKI
Er, sorry to
interrupt, but we've got a couple of problems: all the
hazard-approach lights are flashing -
KRYTEN
All of them?
KOCHANSKI
Yes, although on
this ship that can mean anything from "we're under
attack", to "the baked potatoes are burning".
[Exit KOCHANSKI]
KRYTEN
Either way, it's
serious.
[Exit KRYTEN, LISTER]
[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit
----------------------------------------------]
[CAT, KOCHANSKI present]
[Enter LISTER, KRYTEN]
CAT
Getting a
reading... There's something up
ahead: a shiny thing, with a
long, silvery, glimmery thing behind it.
KOCHANSKI
It's a phasing
comet - velocity 25,000mps.
CAT
That's what I said!
LISTER
Kryten?
KRYTEN
How am I supposed
to concentrate on a phasing comet when, as soon as my
back's turned, the sald cream gets warm.
KOCHANSKI
Heading straight
for it's tail - plotting avoidance course.
LISTER
What's the problem
with going through it? It'll get you
home quicker.
KOCHANSKI
Last time anyone
did that, the gyroscopic forces ripped the ship apart,
turning the crew into the consistency of potato salad!
CAT
Is that the firm,
delicatessen form of potato salad, or the squishy, gooey
stuff in tins?
KOCHANSKI
[beat]
Tins...
CAT
Maybe we should go
around..?
LISTER
We'll make it -
we're a crew - we've been through a few things. Remember
when we met up with the Vidal Beast of Sharmutt II?
CAT
The one that nearly
killed us?
LISTER
No, the other one!
Look, we can make
it, okay?
KOCHANSKI
Do you *know* what
a comet is made of?
LISTER
Are you suggesting
that I don't know what a comet's made of?
KOCHANSKI
Yes.
LISTER
Well I do.
KOCHANSKI
So what's it made
of?
LISTER
What's it made of?
KOCHANSKI
Yes.
LISTER
You wanna know what
it's made of?
KOCHANSKI
Yes, I do.
KRYTEN
Ma'am, he knows
what it's made of.
KOCHANSKI
What??
KRYTEN
Sir, tell her for
goodness sake!
KOCHANSKI
So, what's it made
of?
<KRYTEN silently works his mouth, forming the word 'ice'
for LISTER>
LISTER
I see - I
see... Gas. Some kind of gas.
<KRYTEN buries his head>
KOCHANSKI
Some kind of gas??
LISTER
Yeah, some
gas! Dunno what it's called, some gassy
type of gas.
KOCHANSKI
It's made of *ice*.
LISTER
Exactly! An icey type of gas, that's what I said:
ice, an ice gas.
CAT
I hate to
interrupt, but this thing, whatever the hell it is, is gonna hit
us in about forty-five seconds!
LISTER
I was only tryin'
to save time, so we could get to the dimensional tear
quicker! So you
could get home to your much better Lister.
KOCHANSKI
And I'm just trying
to prevent us being scattered all over the galaxy like
some kind of cosmic seasoning!
CAT
Here it comes!
KOCHANSKI
That wasn't
forty-five seconds!
CAT
Oh - sorry! I was reading the baked potato timer by
mistake! Will people
not leave that in here??
It just makes us look like we don't know what the
hell we're doing!
[comet hit]
CAT
Lateral trimmers
not responding! It's like wrestling in
treacle!
KOCHANSKI
You hear that? Cat says the trimmers are like wrestling in
treacle!
CAT
No, I said they
were *down*, then I asked if you like wrestling in --
Anyway...
LISTER
Damage report,
Kryten.
KRYTEN
Auxilliary flight
modulator has short-circuited --
CAT
And the chocolate
dispensers' ejected all the {someting!} snack bars onto
the gallery floor!
[model shot]
LISTER
What's happenned to
the stabalisers?
CAT
Never mind the
stabalisers! Where's the hair mousse?
KRYTEN
Stabalisers very
unstable...
CAT
Thirty snack bars
sliding about!
LISTER
I'm taking over
control!
<wrestles with controls>
LISTER
Yeaaaay, what did I
tell ya? Come to daddy, baby! I have *control*.
KOCHANSKI
It's called the
free-fall vacuum; we're in-between vapour streams. With a
bit of luck we can ride it across to the other side of its
tail.
[the second wave hits]
KOCHANSKI
Or maybe not!
If we don't turn
around and go back we'll disintegrate in two minutes!
LISTER
Kryten?
KRYTEN
That's a little
pessimistic, sir, I'd say more like three!
LISTER
I think we should
turn around...
<Starbug survives the wave and flies into clear space>
LISTER
Pheww...
Well, go on, say
it.
KOCHANSKI
Say what?
LISTER
You know what you
want to say. Say it.
KOCHANSKI
You want me to say
it?
LISTER
Say it.
KOCHANSKI
You *really* want
me to say it?
LISTER
Go on, say it!
KOCHANSKI
All right. My Dave would *never* have endangered our
crew like that.
LISTER
You *had* to say
it, didn't you.
Will you stop
calling your boyfriend 'Dave', he's just an alternative
version of me from a prallel dimension. He's not 'Dave', he's the
anti-Lister.
KOCHANSKI
Well, whoever the
hell he is, I'm not gonna get to see him.
By the time
we fix this *mess* I'll have missed the Linkway!
[Exit KOCHANSKI]
LISTER
Coulda got through
that if the thrusters had worked...
CAT
According to the
SysComm, the thrusters never worked 'cos we were
carrying too much weight.
KRYTEN
It's Miss
Kochanski's *laundry*; why will no one listen to me? Those
little whirly things are heavier than they look!
CAT
Suppose we take a
look in the cargo hold and see what supplies can be
jettisoned?
LISTER
I'll go. I could do with a breath of musty, fetid
air...
KRYTEN
Er, sir... you
didn't *deliberately* damage the ship so that Miss
Kochanski had to stay behind, did you..?
LISTER
No! 'Course not!
Look, I'm gonna
check out the hold. Rimmer, man, you
comin'?
<He stops. KRYTEN
and CAT stare at him>
LISTER
Did I say..? Why did I call you 'Rimmer'? I called you 'Rimmer', my god!
Cat! Are you gonna make yourself useful or are
you gonna preen yourself
all day?
CAT
You mean I have a
choice??
LISTER
Come onnn...
Can't believe I
called you 'Rimmer'...
[-- x - Int. Sleeping Quarters
-------------------------------------------]
[KOCHANSKI present]
<knock>
KOCHANSKI <wearily>
Yesss?
[Enter KRYTEN]
KRYTEN
As it seems you may
be with us for some time, ma'am, I was wondering if I
might go through a few 'rules of the ship'?
KOCHANSKI
Like what..?
KRYTEN
Salad cream. Salad cream belongs in the fridge, and *not*
in the
cupboard.
Two: Pants belong in the pants drawer, and socks
belong in the socks
drawer. Having
discovered a sock in your pants drawer, this simple
principle obviously needs re-stating...
KOCHANSKI
Talking of my
clothes, I'd like you to explain why my bras come back from
the laundry shaped like... like... your *head*..?
<KRYTEN studiously avoids her eyes>
KRYTEN
Three: The toilet seat fiasco --
KOCHANSKI
Kryten! I just don't want to hear this!
KRYTEN
Mr Lister hasn't
said anything, but I can tell he's *not* happy...
KOCHANSKI
Well he's not the
only one! Do you think I *like* flying
around space in
this big skip-with-thrusters? Do you think I even enjoy breathing in on
this ship?? And to
cap it all, I am faced with some neurotic droid who's
completely obsessed with my pants drawer!
KRYTEN
You mean I'm not
alone..? Oh, I see. You mean me.
Well, just as long
as we understand one another!
[Exit KRYTEN]
KOCHANSKI
Ohhh, *god*. Welcome to hell...
[-- x - Int. Cargo hold
--------------------------------------------------]
[LISTER, CAT present]
LISTER
Look at these...
Rimmer's old shoe trees. He had one for
every pair of
his shoes. Gave them
all names: Mon-shoetree, Tue-shoetree,
Weden-shoetree...
CAT
What the hell for?
LISTER
So they all spent
the same ammount of time in his shoes.
CAT
Tsh. What a smeg head...
LISTER
Oh, he had lots of
funny little habits. But now that he's
gone, I can see
them for what they were...
CAT
Cretinous.
LISTER
No... they were all
the little foibles that made Rimmer... speecial. He
was unique.
CAT
Yeah... irritating,
awkward and unsightly. He was the human
equivalent of
a visible pantie line!
Well, we may as
well start somewhere. These can go!
LISTER
No, no, you can't
throw *them* out. They're from when me
and Rimmer
played gold on Traga XVI.
We had a lot of fun.
CAT
You had *fun* with
Rimmer??
[DISSOLVE: LISTER's flashback]
[-- x - Ext. Planetscape
------------------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, LISTER, RIMMER present]
KRYTEN
I'm afraid I only
had room to build a nine-hole course, sirs.
It *is* a
very small planetoid.
Er, taking into consideration the thin-ness of
atmosphere, sir, I've made this a fifteen mile hole, par 3.
<RIMMER takes shot, ball flies off into the distance>
KRYTEN
Oh, good *shot*,
sir!
LISTER
Heyyy, watch this -
watch and weep...
<LISTER takes shot, ball shoots space-ward>
LISTER
Ohh, smeg!
KRYTEN
Ooh, I - I think
it's gone into orbit, sir.
RIMMER
Tough luck, Listy -
I'll just pot mine and you owe me fifty big ones!
[Exit RIMMER]
LISTER
Look at him, in the
right boots he could be marchin' into Poland.
<LISTER and KRYTEN walk a short distance>
LISTER
'Eyy, this is
Rimmer's ball, isn't it?
KRYTEN
It must have gone
right around the planetoid, sir.
LISTER
Well, no point
botherin' him about it, Krytie, let's go.
[-- x - Int. Blue Midget cockpit -----------------------------------------]
[LISTER present, sat with feet up, watching RIMMER searching
planetoid
surface on a
monitor]
RIMMER
It must be here,
somewhere! I've been 'round the
planetoid twice!
LISTER
No ball, no bet,
man - keep lookin'.
[DISSOLVE: out of flashback]
[-- x - Int. Cargo hold
--------------------------------------------------]
[LISTER, CAT present]
LISTER
Memories like that
are just too precious to throw away...
[Enter KRYTEN]
KRYTEN
Hello there, sir,
how's it going?
CAT
We're getting
nowhere, bud. He won't throw anything
away because it
reminds him of the good times he had with Rimmer! I must have blinked and
missed them.
LISTER
You don't know what
we used to do back on Red Dwarf in the early days.
Like when we played the Locker Room game, we used to open up
the lockers of
all the dead crew members, and we got to keep whatever we
found.
[DISSOLVE: LISTER's flashback]
[-- x - Int. Red Dwarf locker-room --------------------------------------]
RIMMER
I don't trust you,
Lister... this game's rigged. Every
time we play it,
you win. Last time,
you got a 30 carat gold wristwatch, and all I got was
one Wellington boot and a box of one hundred assorted
tampons that glow in
the dark.
Right, well I'll go
first this time.
LISTER
Okay.
RIMMER
No, you can go
first...
LISTER
Okay, I'll have
sixty-eight.
RIMMER
Ah-a-a-a-a. *I'll* have sixty-eight.
LISTER
Fine...
RIMMER
Er - you can have
it.
LISTER
Why??
RIMMER
I know that you
chose *that* one because you think that I think that
you're cheating; so I'll have it, and it'll be useless. Ahhhhhhh, I'm not
gonna fall for that one, Listy. You can have it.
LISTER
To smart for me,
man...
<breaks open locker>
LISTER
'Eyy, a gold
necklace; a bundle of cash; and 'eyyy, a nude wrestlin'
video! "Baked
bean bombshells Volume 12".
RIMMER
Right! Well I'll have... *that* one. Number fifty-eight.
LISTER
Okay...
<LISTER breaks the lock, and RIMMER steps forward as it
is opened. He is
blasted by a gout of flame which bursts out of the opened
door. As a
hologram, he is untouched by the flame but is left stunned
when it clears>
RIMMER
What the hell was
that??
<LISTER peers into the locker>
LISTER
There's a
note... "People who break into
lockers deserve everything they
get, you cheap double-crossing slimeball".
Sounds like they
know you.
[DISSOLVE: out of flashback]
[-- x - Int. Cargo hold
--------------------------------------------------]
[LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN present]
LISTER
See what I
mean? We had fun, it was great. We had *fun*.
KRYTEN
I'll put the rubber
room on standby, sir...
[-- x - Model shot
-------------------------------------------------------]
[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit
---------------------------------------------]
[LISTER present]
[Enter RIMMER, still dressed in Ace's flightsuit]
<LISTER hears movement but doesn't turn around>
LISTER
About time, Cat,
you're late. Now, where've you been?
RIMMER
Hello, Listy.
LISTER
Rimmer..? Smeggin' 'ell! What're you doin' 'ere?
RIMMER
I got fed up with
adventuring... you know what it's like:
you save a
couple of civilisations and it all gets a bit... samey.
I thought I'd come
and find the old team.
LISTER
It's good to see
you.
Are you real?
RIMMER
I'm as real as you
can get, being a hologram.
LISTER
So... where've you
been?
RIMMER
Argon 5. I fought in the Belugosian War; I was
decorated, and used as a
Christmas tree in the town square where people came and fed
me cherry
liqueur chocolates for the whole winter.
Nahh, I'm only
kidding.
LISTER
Kiddin'? What do you know about kidding?
RIMMER
I just thought it
was time I livened up a bit!
<RIMMER unexpectedly toots a party blower>
RIMMER
Hey hey!
<RIMMER's sobriety returns>
RIMMER
So, er, how about
you? How's it going?
LISTER
Ahh, y'know. Same old Starbug. Same old travelling through space.
RIMMER
I, erm, I hear
you've got a new crewmember?
LISTER
Yeah, Kochanski.
RIMMER
What's she like?
LISTER
She's okay, y'know?
RIMMER
Is she... as good
as me?
LISTER
Well, she's been
here a few weeks and she hasn't quoted one Space Corps.
directive...
<They share a laugh>
RIMMER
She's pretty
attractive though, isn't she?
LISTER
Is she? I hadn't really noticed. She's the type you don't really notice.
When you eat soup and spill some on your shirt and you don't
notice it? Mm,
she's like that.
RIMMER
So, she's... not as
attractive as me, then?
LISTER
Don't be daft...
she couldn't hold a candle to you, man.
RIMMER
Nah, you're just
saying that.
LISTER
I'm not.
I missed you, man.
RIMMER
And I've missed you
too, Listy.
LISTER
Ohh, Arnold, man...
RIMMER
Dave...
<LISTER rushes out of his seat and the two of them
embrace fiercely>
LISTER
Don't ever leave us
again!
RIMMER
I won't!
LISTER
You promise?
RIMMER
Ohh, Listy...
LISTER
Ohh, Rimsy...
<Their faces inches apart, LISTER and RIMMER succumb to
feelings beyond
either of their
control - slowly, but surely, their lips join in a kiss>
[The instant their mouths lock, cut to...]
[-- x - Int. Sleeping quarters
-------------------------------------------]
[LISTER present, lying in bed]
LISTER
Yaaaaarrrggh!!
<LISTER starts himself awake so violently he tumbles out
of his bunk onto
the floor>
LISTER
Aaargh! Get off!
Get off!!
<He rubs his tongue violently with the palm of his
hand>
LISTER
Ohh, just a
dream... thank god for that! It was
just a dream...
[-- x - Model shot
-------------------------------------------------------]
[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit
---------------------------------------------]
[CAT, KRYTEN present]
KRYTEN
And another thing
she does is, she keeps her pants in her sock drawer;
have you any idea how time consuming that can be to sort
out?
CAT
You mean, you've
seen her pants??
[-- x - Model shot
-------------------------------------------------------]
[-- x - Int. Starbug medi-bay
--------------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, LISTER present]
LISTER
You're right
Kryten, I must be losin' it, or I'd never be dreaming stuff
like *that*. Kissin'
Rimmer..? I'd rather go bobbing for
apples in the
communal latrine at Reading festival!
KRYTEN
I'm sure this will
help, sir, I'll just insert my hypno-therapy disk...
<KRYTEN pops open his abdominal disk and inserts what
looks like a CD>
KRYTEN
Now, just relax...
<A piercing german voice blasts out - KRYTEN fumbles to
stop the noise>
LISTER
What the hell???
KRYTEN
Sorry, sir! Wrong disk - that was my German language
course; an extract
from Hitler's Nuremburg speech. Definitely hypnotic, but not in the right
way... I'll just go
and find the proper one.
[Exit KRYTEN]
[Enter KOCHANSKI]
LISTER
What are you doin'
in here?
KOCHANSKI
Just looking for
something to erase the memory of everything I've ever
experienced...
Couple of gallons of medicinal alcohol should do it.
LISTER
Listen, for what
it's worth - I'm sorry you missed getting back to your
Dave. 'The
hologrammatic hunk'.
KOCHANSKI
That's okay; I'm
sure there'll be another chance for you to cock it up
again.
LISTER
Suppose you must be
missin' him?
KOCHANSKI
Yeah, I am a bit.
LISTER
I know what it's
like to miss someone. The way they
talk, the way they
laugh -
KOCHANSKI
Heh, I know.
LISTER
The way their
nostils flare up like two railway tunnels leading into Snot
Street station.
KOCHANSKI
N-no, you've lost
me there...
So you're missing
Rimmer??
LISTER
Had a dream about
him, but he was different. All smiles
and jokes and...
stuff.
KOCHANSKI
I thought you guys
didn't get on?
LISTER
We didn't, that's
what's so weird! His tidiness drove me
crazy, the way
he used to eat his food in alphabetical order; the way he
only ever used
three pieces of toilet paper: one up, one down, and one to
polish.
KOCHANSKI
Did he have *any*
redeeming features?
LISTER
No. Oh yeah, sometimes he went out of the room.
KOCHANSKI
So, how come Rimmer
came to be around, anyway?
LISTER
Well, Holly brought
him back to keep me sane, but he drove me mad!
KOCHANSKI
So, now he's gone,
maybe you feel guilty because you realise he was trying
to help you?
LISTER
If he was trying to
help me, why didn't he... lighten up a bit?
Be happy?
KOCHANSKI
Maybe he sacrificed
his happiness to keep you sane? But
when he appeared
in your dream he was different, a carefree, fun-loving
Rimmer. A Rimmer who
didn't nag you into helping him catalogue his cheese
collection.
LISTER
You're saying I had
him all wrong?
KOCHANSKI
Wasn't your
*fault*... you had to hate him, it was what kept you going.
LISTER
I didn't know...
<LISTER takes KOCHANSKI's offered handkerchief and blows
his nose loudly>
LISTER
You know what I
should do? I should throw everything
away, and make a new
start.
[Enter KRYTEN]
KRYTEN
Ahh - sorry Miss
Kochanski, ma'am, this *is* the medical bay, for *sick*
people only; surely you haven't broken out in a
confusingly-filed pants
rash?
KOCHANSKI
Kryten, do you know
how to extract a warm bottle of salad cream from a
mechanoid's rectal cavity?
KRYTEN
Not off hand,
ma'am, but I could research it?
KOCHANSKI
I'd start right now
if I were you...
[Exit KOCHANSKI]
KRYTEN
Okay, sir, now...
just relax...
LISTER
It's all right,
Kryten. I've talked things through with
Kochanski, I'm
feeling a lot better.
KRYTEN
Well that really
takes the biscuit, doesn't it. Turn my
back for five
minutes and she waltzes in here and cures you!
LISTER
She was only trying
to help...
KRYTEN
It's not the help I
mind, sir, it's the fact that she succeeded!
<KRYTEN takes the handkerchief and blows his own nose
every bit as loudly>
[-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section
-----------------------------------------]
[LISTER, CAT, KOCHANSKI present]
LISTER
Okay guys! I know
declare games night officially open.
Seeing as Kris is
with us, you can have the honour of choosing the first game
- and as you're
a bit sensitive, we're not gonna have any games that involve
dropping
trousers and lighting stuff.
CAT
Well that takes
care of most of the repertoire!
Where's Kryten??
LISTER
I dunno, he should
be here.
Okay Kris? Name your game...
KOCHANSKI
All right! I choose... 'The Magic Flute'!
LISTER
What's that? Sort of 'Musical Chairs'?
KOCHANSKI
No, it's an
opera... 'Magic Flute'? Okay, we each
hum a section of an
aria, and the others have to guess which character is
singing.
CAT
That's a game?
LISTER
It's more like
medieval torture...
KOCHANSKI
No, it's really
good, 'cos, you can, like, throw each other off the
scent! Once, Dave -
my Dave - he sang The Birdcatcher's Song in the
*German* translation, and it was *hilarious*! We all, like, totally fell
about!
LISTER
You fell about?
KOCHANSKI
Yeah!
LISTER
What, were you
going through a meteor storm?
KOCHANSKI
So what games do
you play, then? 'Match the Bodypart to
the Crewmember'?
CAT
I always love that
one!
KOCHANSKI
'Armpit Name That
Tune'? 'Guess Whose Bottie is Sticking
Through a Hole
in the Curtain'?
CAT
Shall I add that
one to the slate, bud?
<LISTER nods approvingly>
[Enter KRYTEN]
KRYTEN
Games night is
cancelled; if you'll all kindly follow me to the AR suite,
I have something - I think - might amuse...
[Exit ALL]
[-- x - Int. AR Suite
----------------------------------------------------]
[ALL present]
KRYTEN
I believe this is
the answer to your dream, sir, and something slightly
more effective than Miss Kochanski's psychobabble...
[-- x - Int. AR sim ------------------------------------------------------]
[ALL present, seated two-abreast in a simulation of a
roller-coaster car.
There is no
discernable scenery, other than a large set of fairground-
styled double-doors
just ahead of their car. Lightbulbs flash
gaily over
the doors, upon
which is stencilled "The Rimmer Experience"]
KRYTEN
It's a museum to Mr
Rimmer's memory; I made it myself. If
anyone finds
they are missing him, they can relive those great moments -
it's all in
there: the man, the memories, the personality.
CAT
The ego...
KRYTEN
Yes - I had to
scale that down quite a bit.
LISTER
How did you compile
all the exhibits?
KRYTEN
Well, I re-created
key events in his life from Mr Rimmer's diaries; he
kept meticulous records of life on board ship.
Enjoy!
<Their care starts moving with a cranking noise and they
pass through the
doors>
[Viewpoint cuts to a point further down the featureless
track]
<Their car jerks to a halt, and as it does so a large
image of RIMMERS's
face fades into
being to one side of them>
RIMMER EXPERIENCE: RIMMER
Welcome, to the
Rimmer Experience. A place of wonder,
excitement, and...
wonder.
You are about to
witness some heroic events, which you may well find
impossible to attribute to any living person; but then,
Arnold J. Rimmer was
a deeply remarkable man...
<Their car is jerked forward once more, and the narration
continues>
RIMMER EXPERIENCE: RIMMER
Being the driving
force behind the Red Dwarf mission, the fearless Rimmer
had to dice with death on a daily basis.
LISTER
What??
RIMMER EXPERIENCE: RIMMER
Sometimes it needed
a strong mind and cool nerves to hold the crew
together:
<The car lurches to a halt, and a short 'play' unfolds in
front of their
eyes>
RIMMER EXPERIENCE: KRYTEN
Asteroid belt up
ahead, sir.
RIMMER EXPERIENCE: RIMMER
No it isn't Kryten,
you thick, titanium plank; those are large, broken
fragments of a dying star which have compressed together
under enormous
pressure, causing them to compress into large fragments.
RIMMER EXPERIENCE: KRYTEN
You're quite right,
sir, as usual. How could I have made
such an
elementary mistake?
As usual.
RIMMER EXPERIENCE: CAT
It's at times like
these that I get really scared!
RIMMER EXPERIENCE: LISTER
Me too! Save us!
Somebody save us before I wet m' keks!
LISTER
That never
happenned! I swear that never
happenned!
<With a jolt, the car rattles further along the dark
track>
LISTER
I feel sick!
KRYTEN
I'm sorry, sir, it
*is* a bit bumpy.
LISTER
Nah, it's what I'm
*seeing* that's making me sick!
<The car stops once more, throwing its passangers against
their restraining
lap bars. Another 'playlet' takes shape>
RIMMER EXPERIENCE: RIMMER
So you see,
Cat? If you wear the green paisley
shirt with the cavalry-
twill trousers, you can be dignified *and* fashionable at the same time.
CAT
Let me at him! I'm gonna kill him! Cavalry-twill? What does he think I
am? A woodwork
teacher?
RIMMER EXPERIENCE: CAT
Say, Rimmer's a
really great guy, isn't he! I don't
know what we'd do
without him!
RIMMER EXPERIENCE: LISTER
I owe my life to
him!
LISTER
Get me out of here!
KRYTEN
Wait a minute; here
comes the best bit...
<Lurching forward, their car takes them on a true
roller-coaster ride; up,
down and around,
while around them a truly bizzare set of imagery begins
to take shape, and,
to a jolly tune, a distingushed voice begins to spill
forth the following
lyrics>
RIMMER EXPERIENCE
If you're in
trouble he will save the day,
He's brave and he's
fearless come what may,
Without him the
mission would go astray...
He's Arnold,
Arnold, Arnold Rimmer,
Without him life would
be much grimmer,
He's handsome,
trim, and no-one's slimmer,
He will never need
a Zimmer.
He's Arnold,
Arnold, Arnold Rimmer,
More reliable than
a garden strimmer,
He's never been
mistaken for Yul Brynner,
He's not bald and
his head doesn't glimmer.
Master of the wit
and the repartee,
His command of
Space Directives is uncanny,
How come he's such
a genius? Don't ask me...
Ask Arnold, Arnold,
Arnold Rimmer,
He's also a
fantastic swimmer,
And if you play
your cards right,
then he just might
come 'round for dinner.
[-- x - Int. AR sim
------------------------------------------------------]
[The music and images fade, and we find ourselves at the
other side of 'The
Rimmer
Experience'. A second set of
double-doors mark the exit, and these
crash open to
disgorge the evil-minded roller-coaster car, which jerks to a
violent halt just
outside the doors]
[ALL present]
LISTER
I never wanna see
or hear from that scum-sucking, lying, weasel-minded
smegger in my entire life!
KRYTEN
Sigmund Freud: eat
your heart out!
[----------------------------- END OF "BLUE"
------------------------------]
[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode
by Doug Naylor;
no copyright
infringement or toe-stepping intended.
Comments, criticisms
and corrections
welcomed at "raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk". Thanks.]