Duct Soup

Duct Soup - Script v2.0

Raz, Datalink-Karma, 1996-97

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Stone the crows, guvnor!

@ 30Nov97

This looks like the Xtended "Duct Soup" script, if mine eyes don't deceive me...

This is version 2.0 of the script, completely finished and including approximately fifteen minutes of extra footage as contained in the first Xtended tape.

Note: this script is the first that will be eventually be marked up in HTML.

Please forgive the transition from HTML to Plaintext in this script.

[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor; no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at the usual addy. Thanks.]

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Raz, DTLK, 1996-97 30Nov97 +

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RED DWARF - SERIES 7

EPISODE 4 -- DUCT SOUP

Including "Xtended" footage

Version 2.0

9-13 February, 1997

Last updated: 30 November, 1997

Raz / raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk

http://www.mushroom.demon.co.uk

Credits for corrections:

Sea, Martin Guy, Annette McIntosh & the original script

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1 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters

[LISTER present, lying in bed, covered in sweat]

LISTER

92 degrees... god!

I want a drink but I can't be bothered to get up...

I wanna go to the loo but I can't be bothered to go down the corridor...

This is one of the universal dilemmas - something which has confronted all men since the beginning of time... to pee or not to pee... that is the question.

No, I'll just lie here, really thirsty, with a full bladder, and try and get to sleep.

Smeggin 'ell!

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2 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters

[KOCHANSKI present, lying in bed, wild eyes staring at a set of pipes fixed to the wall beside her, and a spanner held tightly in her fists]

KOCHANSKI

One more time, and you get *this*. D'you hear?? Don't think I don't mean it! One more time, just - one more.

KOCHANSKI

What did I tell you? I told you! Didn't I tell you?? How many times have I told you? Right, what was the last one?

KOCHANSKI

'Nurieek'. So the next one will be a 'rotut', and the one after that will be a 'hernunger'.

Four seconds; three seconds; two seconds --

KOCHANSKI

Now 'hernunger'...

KOCHANSKI

No, that's wrong! You've gone out of sequence! 'Nurieek', 'rotut', 'hernunger' - what's wrong with you??

KOCHANSKI

If you're gonna keep me up all night just do it right, okay?!?

<Unfazed, the pipe-monster howls out its defiance>

KOCHANSKI

'Sqweloookle'?? Where does 'sqweloookle' come from?? He's new!

[-- 3 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters ------------------------------------]

[LISTER present. He stands in a shower cubicle, shrouded by steam which clears as he turns off the water and steps out.]

LISTER

Phew, that's better. Kill two birds with one shower.

<LISTER steps over to a fridge, opens it and takes out a freshly chilled

pillow. Clutching it to his chest, he smiles beatifically and heads back

to bed>

[-- 4 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters ------------------------------------]

[KOCHANSKI present. Sat now at the foot of her bed, she has taken a pair of woolly socks and bunched each of the pair over an ear, holding them in place with a hair band. Sliding back into bed, she lies back down, and takes up her spanner for comfort]

KOCHANSKI <calmly>

Okayyy... right, right.

I can't hear you. You can do whatever you like - I can't hear a damn

thing.

<Mockingly, the Beast Of The Pipes screeches out just how wrong she is.

In a hitherto unknown state of purest rage KOCHANSKI lays into the pipes,

clangs bouncing around Starbug until the camera cuts away...>

[-- 5 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters ------------------------------------]

[LISTER present, back in bed]

<Head on his chilled pillow, LISTER still can't get comfortable. He twists

and writhes for a moment before easing up and bashing the pillow with his

fist to plump it. Throwing his head down, he finds the pillow still not

right, and punches it a few more times. Still unhappy with the result and

by now quite frustrated, he pounds the pillow several more times as the

camera cuts away...>

[-- 6 - Int. Starbug mid-section ------------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN present. He sits at the scanner table, darning clothes]

[Enter KOCHANSKI, socks still over her ears and wrapped in her bed's

blanket]

KRYTEN <quietly>

Oh my goodness. It's Princess Leia. Luke Skywalker went that way, ma'am.

KOCHANSKI

What?

KRYTEN <brightly>

It's nearly 9am, ma'am, what are you doing up?

KOCHANSKI

Looking for someone to kill - care to volunteer?

KRYTEN

Oh, can't sleep?

KOCHANSKI

Have you ever listened to those clapped-out old pipes? 'Nurieek'ing and

'rotut'ing, and just when you expect them to 'nurieek' again, they

'sqweloookle'!

<Sounding closer and closer to hysteria as she crossed to the galley,

KOCHANSKI comes to a halt by the work-top and bashes her spanner a few

times against its inoffensive surface>

KOCHANSKI

It's enough to make a perfectly sane person crazy!!!

KRYTEN

It's quite amazing, the number of people those pipes have driven to the

very brink of psychosis. Mr Lister spent the night in there once, and he

ended up trying to suffocate himself to death with an onion sandwich.

KOCHANSKI

Look at this. This is a boys fridge. Women would never have fridges like

this. Chilled trainers? It just wouldn't happen!

KRYTEN

What would you say to a glass of drinking chocolate?

[KOCHANSKI pads back into the mid-section]

KOCHANSKI

I'd say: "Glass of drinking chocolate, get me out of here!"

[KOCHANSKI flops into a chair by the scanner table]

I can't live like this, I need a bath. I hate showers, I've always hated

showers. Ask anyone who knows me what I hate, and do you know what they'll

say??

KRYTEN

Erm, you hate showers?

KOCHANSKI

You see! Even you know and you hardly know me!

I need a bath. I need sleep; I need *clothes*; I need... cottage cheese

with pineapple chunks in.

KRYTEN

Well, the next Space Corps. ship we come across ma'am, I'm sure we'll find

some supplies.

[KOCHANSKI's face begins to crumple with despair]

KOCHANSKI

I mean, I knew when I joined the Corps. that it'd be tough in Deep

Space... I accepted shopping was unlikely. But then I lost my crew, my

ship, and I ended up here with a fridge full of trainers, two sets of

clothes, and pipes that 'sqweloookle' when they should 'nurieek'!

KOCHANSKI

I mean, I've tried, I really have tried to fit in! I even tried learning

what 'off-side' was.

KRYTEN

Ma'am, please... I've never had to comfort a crying woman before. Er, I'm

not familiar with the technique, er, hang on - just processing.

<KRYTEN straightens up and muted beeps issue from somewhere about his

person>

KRYTEN

Oh, oh, I see! Oh, well, don't worry, ma'am - I know the drill now.

<KRYTEN pulls KOCHANSKI to her feet and spins her to face away from him,

wraps his arms about her waiste and unceremoniously delivers a sharp

squeeze>

KOCHANSKI

*gag*

What are you doing!? Get off me!

KRYTEN

The Heimlich Manoeuvre, ma'am, I believe it helps women stop crying.

KOCHANSKI

The Heimlich Manoeuvre stops people *choking*, you idiot!

KRYTEN

No, I think you're wrong, ma'am.

KOCHANSKI <coughing>

I'm not wrong! You've just got a corrupted file in your database!

KRYTEN

Well, then... why have you stopped crying?

KOCHANSKI

Well, because it's really hard to cry when someone's doing the Heimlich

Manoeuvre on you. It really puts you off!

KRYTEN

But, you're not crying, though.

KOCHANSKI

Well, no.

KRYTEN

So, it worked?

KOCHANSKI

Nooo! It didn't work! It just - oh shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

<Flopping back into her seat, KOCHANSKI lets her head fall onto the table

and lets out a despairing sigh>

KOCHANSKI

Where did it all go wrong..? My life started off so promisingly. Rich

parents; good school; pony named Trumper. How did I end up like this? On

a ship where the fourth most popular pastime is going down to the laundry

room and watching my knickers spin dry...

KRYTEN <indignantly>

Oh ma'am! That is *not* true! No one has ever done that!

KOCHANSKI

That's only because they don't know when you wash them! Couple of posters

and a trailer before 'The World's Stupidest Stuntmen' video and, take it

from me, that laundry room will be packed!

KRYTEN

I think you're doing Mr Lister and the Cat a great disservice, ma'am. A

great, great disservice!

[-- 7 - Int. Starbug laundry room -----------------------------------------]

[LISTER, CAT present. Both are sat staring vacantly at the spinning washing

machines]

CAT

Wow - this is the best load yet!

LISTER

Just for the record I'd like to repeat that I'm only here because I can't

sleep. So I decided to do some of my laundry and help out Kryten.

CAT

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

LISTER

I'm not here because I'm a sad and lonely person who's entertained by

women's underwear spin drying.

CAT

My god, a g-string!

LISTER

Where?

CAT

You missed it... I swear! It was black and really, really small.

LISTER

I'm too mature for this. I'm just gonna sit here and read my comic.

CAT

Oh buddy, this is a great show tonight. I may even write a fan letter to

the washing machine company.

LISTER

Sometimes I'm really ashamed to be with you. You're completely out of

order, do you know that?

CAT

Since when did you get so mature?

LISTER

Mature? I've been mature for ages, me.

CAT

Oh yeah?

LISTER

Yeah.

CAT

You're just pretending to be mature, because that's your plan to get

officer Bud-Babe to fall for you! Everybody knows that!

LISTER

Go and stick an egg up your nose.

CAT

It's true.

LISTER

Isn't true.

CAT

It is.

LISTER

It isn't!

CAT

Is!

LISTER

Isn't!

CAT

Is!

LISTER

Isn't!

CAT

Is!

LISTER

Isn't!

CAT LISTER

Is! Isn't!

[Enter KRYTEN]

KRYTEN

Sirs, sirs, sirs! What are you arguing about?

LISTER

About me being really mature.

KRYTEN

i've been looking all over for you, sir. Why aren't you in bed?

LISTER

The heating system's gone bonkers. Why, what's up?

KRYTEN

Oh, it appears life on board ship is getting Miss Kochanski down, sir.

She's in the mid-ships now, throwing knives into the wall and shouting

abuse at the fridge for not having any low-fat yogurts.

LISTER

What's the problem?

<KRYTEN turns to a washing machine, stops the programme and begins unloading

its contents>

KRYTEN

It's not helped by the fact that her sleeping quarters are next to the

sewage processor. You know how noisy those pipes are, sir.

LISTER

We'll re-lag them first thing in the mornin'.

KRYTEN

Oh it's not just she can't sleep, sir, it's everything. Not being able to

have a bath, no cottage cheese, no --

<KRYTEN's voice cuts off abruptly as he pulls Kochanski's red PVC uniform

from the washing machine. From collar to trouser tip, it now measures

roughly ten inches>

KRYTEN <aghast>

The thermostat!

<As KRYTEN fumbles with the machine's control panel and surveys the damage

to Kochanski's outfit, CAT and LISTER both ease into a standing position

and stealthily creep away>

[Exit LISTER, CAT]

KRYTEN

I swear I set the correct programme!

Oh! Who on earth is going to tell her!? I mean, who --

[-- 8 - Int. Starbug Mid-section ------------------------------------------]

[KOCHANSKI present. She is seated at the scanner table, hunched over a can

of sliced peaches. Her hair is in disarray, and their is something of a

disturbing calm about her; she chews her peaches very slowly without

looking at what she's doing]

[Enter LISTER]

LISTER

Hi.

LISTER

How're you settling in?

KOCHANSKI <slowly, and with great care>

Great. Having a ball.

LISTER

We'll get you some more clothes...

KOCHANSKI

Don't worry - I can wander around in a sheet for the next fifty years,

I'll be fine.

LISTER

And we'll fix those pipes.

KOCHANSKI <eyelids twitching>

If you could just make them go 'nurieek' every time without any

'sqweloookles', I'd be so grateful.

LISTER

We'll stop them completely.

KOCHANSKI

I'm not used to this; not having stuff. When I was fifteen my brother,

Moose, used to kidnap my lipstick and hold it to ransom. He knew that if I

didn't look good I wouldn't go out. If i don't look good, I don't feel

good.

LISTER

How do you feel now?

<KOCHANSKI tries to force a hand through her matted hair and lets out a

little whimper>

LISTER

Don't answer that.

KOCHANSKI

I know I've been spoilt! Brought up in the trendiest part of Glasgow -

LISTER

Yeah, the Gorbals, you said.

KOCHANSKI

Eleven years in Cyberschool; perfect computer-generated setting, with

perfect CG teachers and perfect CG friends. Now I can't even have a bath...

LISTER

Come on. Come with me. I've got something to show you.

[-- 9 - Int. Starbug Sleeping Quarters ------------------------------------]

[LISTER, KOCHANSKI present. Back in his own quarters, LISTER leads the

listless KOCHANSKI to a large, seemingly foam-filled unit that takes up

much of the floor space in front of his bunk]

LISTER

You take my quarters tonight, and I'll have yours.

LISTER

I've cleaned out an old retro housing and filled it with water.

KOCHANSKI

I don't know what to say...

LISTER

And I, erm... found this on that derelict...

LISTER

I was savin' it for your birthday.

There's some make-up in there, too.

<KOCHANSKI opens the present and takes out a shimmering red dress at which

she gazes wondrously>

[Enter KRYTEN, still carrying KOCHANSKI's wretched ex-suit]

KRYTEN

I can't find her anywhere, sir, I've been searching high and low!

KRYTEN

Oh! Ma'am. Ha-ha. Didn't spot you, there.

LISTER

Krissie's sleeping in my quarters tonight, Kryten.

KRYTEN

[beat]

In, your quarters, sir?

LISTER

Yeah, she's gonna have a nice, hot bath.

KRYTEN

In here? Without clothes on?

LISTER

Well, convention dictates probably, yeah.

[SHOT: KRYTEN's worried face]

[ZOOM to KRYTEN's face then right eye]

[Iris TRANSITION to: ]

[-- 10 - Int. Starbug Cargo deck ------------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present. Conjured up by his own paranoia, KRYTEN

sees himself talking to his long-time and now besuited friend LISTER, whose

arm is linked with KOCHANSKI. She wears the red dress just given to her by

LISTER, and both seem to be smiling just a little too much]

LISTER

Kryten, me and Kris have been having a talk, and we think it'd be better

all 'round if you leave.

KRYTEN

Er, sir?

LISTER

As you probably know, we're planning on settling down together, it started

that night she had a bath in my quarters, you remember?

KOCHANSKI

We got you this leaving present...

KRYTEN

A key-ring -

LISTER

With a 'C' on it.

KOCHANSKI

For 'Kryten'!

KRYTEN

But, you spell 'Kryten' with a 'K'...

KOCHANSKI

Ohh, don't make a fuss.

Now, I've packed all your heads; they're in the bag.

[-- 11 - Int. Starbug Cargo deck airlock-----------------------------------]

[Enter KRYTEN, followed by the happy couple. KRYTEN stamps morosely towards

camera]

LISTER

You know what it's like, man, it's the fourth Law of the universe: you

settle down with a woman, and the first thing they do is systematically set

about getting rid of all your mates. The Cat's next.

KOCHANSKI

I've been packing his bag for over three weeks!

LISTER

See, we wanna be a proper couple, have lots of dinner parties, and I think

I've reached the age now where I really should be wearing clogs.

KOCHANSKI

And you see we're all a bit embarrassed of you because you've got a funny

shaped head.

LISTER

You're not human, are you, you're a robot.

KOCHANSKI

Yeah!

LISTER/KOCHANSI <grinning together>

Eeeugh!

LISTER <pointing>

Oh hi! You're early, come in!

[Enter two Kinitawowi GELFs]

KOCHANSKI

Great to see you!

<LISTER and KOCHANSKI exchange two yuppie 'non-kisses' with the GELFs, and

all four sidle out. KRYTEN is left staring after them, not even worth the

time to be shown to the airlock>

[DISSOLVE to...]

[-- 12 - Int. Starbug Sleeping Quarters -----------------------------------]

[KRYTEN, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]

[SHOT: KRYTEN's startled face]

KRYTEN [undirected]

I've just seen the future!

<Abruptly, KRYTEN pulls KOCHANSKI's shrunken uniform from behind his back

and holds it up as evidence>

KRYTEN

I'm afraid Mr Lister shrunk your uniform, ma'am. You only have one left,

now.

KOCHANSKI

Did he? Never mind.

KRYTEN

Aren't you mad?

KOCHANSKI

I'm too tired to be mad... I just want to have my bath, and get some

sleep.

KRYTEN <offended>

Right. I'll be going then. *Going*. After all these years, I'll be

*going*.

LISTER

Are you all right, Kryts?

KRYTEN

Never been better, thank you, sir. A key-ring with a 'C' on it!

Unbelievable! Thank you with a capital 'R'!

[Exit KRYTEN]

KOCHANSKI

What's eating him?

LISTER

I dunno - I'll find out later.

KOCHANSKI

Thanks for this, I *really* appreciate it.

LISTER

Heyy, no bother.

KOCHANSKI

See you in the morning.

LISTER

That's right.

Well, I'll be going then?

KOCHANSKI

Yeah. 'Night.

LISTER

Right, I'll... I'll go...

KOCHANSKI

Yeah.

LISTER

Yeah.

KOCHANSKI

See you tomorrow.

LISTER

Tomorrow! Right. If you need anyone to, um, scrub your back or anything,

don't hesitate to call, I can be here in twenty seconds.

KOCHANSKI

I won't.

LISTER

Right then.

KOCHANSKI

'Night.

LISTER

'Night. Goodnight.

<LISTER turns and at last passes through the hatchway. No sooner is he out

of sight than a muted explosion suddenly shakes the transport vessel and

the cabin lights extinguish>

[Enter LISTER]

KOCHANSKI

What was that??

LISTER

Hang on a minute, I've got a torch somewhere...

[-- 13 - Int. Starbug; Corridor outside LISTER's Quarters -----------------]

[Enter LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI]

CAT

What the hell's happenin'?

KRYTEN

The generator's down, sir. I was just adjusting the thermo-settings and

it overloaded. Give it a few seconds and the emergency backup will kick in.

[As if on cue, a whirring sound emanates from somewhere, and the lights come

back up]

KRYTEN

Ah, thank goodness.

[-- 14 - Int. Starbug Sleeping Quarters -----------------------------------]

[Enter ALL]

KRYTEN

I'll look into it immediately, sir!

<Before they can move a screeching noise fills the air. For the second time

in as many minutes the interior lights all die>

LISTER

There goes the backup! Now everythin's dead.

CAT

How come the doors closed?

LISTER

When the backup goes down the doors always lock; prevent fire, re-inforce

hull integrity.

CAT

So what's steering this crate? Is autopilot down too?

KRYTEN

Everything's down. Oh, I wish I'd been more careful!

CAT

You mean this ship's careening out of control through space with

absolutely zero expertise at the helm?

KOCHANSKI

No change there, then.

LISTER

We've got to re-fire the backup generator.

KRYTEN

The only way to get to the backup is through the service ducts.

CAT

The what?

KRYTEN

Two miles of ventways that wind their way through the ship like

intestines. There should be a hatchway in your shower, sir.

LISTER

How long's that gonna take?

KRYTEN

Oh, six hours, maybe more?

LISTER

Six hours??

KRYTEN

Are you okay, sir?

LISTER

Fine, yeah. <cough> Yep, yep. Yep.

KOCHANSKI

The reading said last night that there was gonna be a meteor storm coming

in directly ahead, but it won't hit us for at least twelve hours.

KRYTEN

We should gather up some supplies. A little food, as much water as we

can carry, and maybe even that magnetic fishing game.

[-- 15 - Int. Starbug Sleeping Quarters -----------------------------------]

[Time has passed. A sheet has been hastily draped across the bunk recess

to allow KOCHANSKI space to get dressed. She pulls away the sheet and is

shown wearing her new dress, over which is a pair of thick canvas work

pants]

KOCHANSKI

Okay, let's go.

<The Dwarfer's cross to the shower cubicle and begin to hoist themselves up

into the ducts>

[-- 16 - Int. Starbug Ductway ---------------------------------------------]

[Starbug's internal ducts take the shape of cramped, dusty, rectangular

corridors; about five feet wide by four high. Passage through the ducts is

possible only by crawling]

CAT

It's so damn hot I can barely breathe! It's like being stuck in a sauna

with a fat man on your face!

LISTER

I don't feel so good... the walls are closing in!

KRYTEN

Are you okay, sir?

LISTER

I need to take a break - I need air!

KOCHANSKI

He's claustrophobic, didn't you guys know?

LISTER

I'm all right when I know I can get out, but now we're out in the middle

somewhere... Can't breathe...

KRYTEN

Have a drink, sir.

KOCHANSKI

Okay, take a look around - see if we can unscrew one of the ceiling

hatches; drop back down into the ship somewhere.

KRYTEN

Let's go.

[Exit KRYTEN, CAT]

LISTER

M' throat's closin'... chokin'...

KOCHANSKI

Here, drink some of this. You just need something to take your mind off

it.

KOCHANSKI

I wonder why Dave - my Dave - wasn't claustrophobic?

LISTER

Oh thanks, Kris, that's really helpin'. Now is not a good time to tell

me how great your boyfriend is, okay?

KOCHANSKI

He wasn't my boyfriend. Not really.

LISTER

What?

KOCHANSKI

No, we were just good friends.

LISTER

No, but you said --

KOCHANSKI

I just didn't want to look like some sad loser when we first met, so I

asked him to play along.

LISTER

You weren't going out with him?

KOCHANSKI

He wasn't my type.

LISTER

But, he was well-dressed, neat, sophisticated, sensitive; you're so damn

picky! Why wasn't he your type?

KOCHANSKI

He was gay.

LISTER

You see? Picky. Everythin's got has to be absolutely perfect before

you're int --

What did you say??

KOCHANSKI

He was gay.

LISTER

Gay?

KOCHANSKI

Yes.

LISTER

Are you sayin' I'm -- I'm gay in an alternative dimension?

KOCHANSKI

Yes.

LISTER

Me?

KOCHANSKI

That's why we only dated for a couple of weeks; it was sort of his final

attempt at trying to work things out.

LISTER

Wait a minute... you don't think... now *hang on*, I'm completely

straight, okay? I couldn't possibly be gay. I can't grow a big moustache

for starters - ask anyone, it just grows in little clumps...

KOCHANSKI

Dave, shut up...

LISTER

I'm just sayin' --

KOCHANSKI

I really miss him. He was great.

KOCHANSKI

Sometimes we used to go to bed together, and he'd just hold me. Made me

feel everything was okay.

LISTER

Mmm? Well, actually... No! What am I thinking of?? I am *not* gay!

KOCHANSKI

There's no need to make such a big deal about it!

LISTER

But I am not!

KOCHANSKI

Back on Red Dwarf before the accident I had *loads* of gay friends.

LISTER

Yeah, so did I.

KOCHANSKI

Yeah?

LISTER

Yeah!

KOCHANSKI

Real friends, that you were really close to?

LISTER

Yeah!

KOCHANSKI

Name one.

LISTER

Okay, what about... Bent Bob?

KOCHANSKI

'Bent Bob'..??

LISTER

Yeah, little guy, bad toupee, used to work in catering.

KOCHANSKI

That's what you used to call him, is it? "Hey Bent Bob! How's it going,

mate?"

LISTER

It was his nickname! It was affectionate. I mean, obviously we only used

it behind his back. Used to b one of the poker school; nice bloke.

KOCHANSKI

And he was one of your really good friends, was he?

LISTER

All right, I admit I haven't had many gay friends.

KOCHANSKI

Yes you have - you just haven't known they were.

LISTER

Like who?

KOCHANSKI

Well, I can only speak for my reality, but on our ship... Toddhunter.

LISTER

Toddhunter?

KOCHANSKI

Yeah.

LISTER

But he was married.

KOCHANSKI

So?

LISTER

He had kids!

KOCHANSKI <laughing>

So?

LISTER

He used to fool around, slept with women!

KOCHANSKI

That doesn't mean anything -

LISTER

Yes it does!

[beat]

Hand on a minute; this is garbage, isn't it? You just made it all up to

take my mind off being stuck in 'ere!

You're not really a sad loser after all, are you?

[beat]

God, I found that really attractive, as well.

Made me feel all kind of superior and macho. Not that I don't *usually*

feel macho, because I do.

KOCHANSKI

Here, have another drink - heteroboy.

LISTER

So, your Dave... he isn't, is he?

<KOCHANSKI says nothing, but wrinkles her face and gives her head a little

shake>

LISTER

Ahhhh, smeg!

[Enter CAT, KRYTEN]

KRYTEN

We've found a grill about twenty meters down on the right, which drops

down into a supply room. We can't get through to unscrew the fastening

bolts but, ma'am, with smaller hands you might enjoy better luck.

KOCHANSKI

Will you be okay?

CAT

Leave him to me.

LISTER

I'll be okay.

[Exit KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI]

<CAT turns himself around in the cramped space and sits beside LISTER. He

glances around for a moment, obviously bored, while LISTER practices

breathing exercises to keep calm. CAT takes a swig from the canteen>

CAT

Boy, is it cramped! Whew-ee! I tell you, if I was dead you most

certainly could not swing me around in here!

LISTER

Cat...

CAT

Talk about cooped up!

LISTER

Cat!

CAT

Oh, sorry... not supposed to talk about that, right?

LISTER

Right.

<CAT is silent for a few moments, aware he should be diverting LISTER's

attention but at a loss for something to say>

CAT

So how do you get to be claustrophobic? Are you born that way, or is it

because you're kind of sissy?

<LISTER rolls his eyes in incredulity and tries to put a stop to the

discussion>

LISTER

Sissy.

CAT

Yeah??

LISTER

Yeah. Now can we just change the subject, please?

CAT

So how comes you didn't get it when we was in that tunnel when all the

walls were --

LISTER

I don't always get it, okay! Just sometimes! When I know that I can't

get out. Maybe it's something to do with blood sugar.

CAT

But how come you get it at all, though?

LISTER

<sigh> I was seventeen, working in the MegaMart, part time, as a trolley-

parker. After a couple of months I fell in love with cashier number four...

She was 22; come-to-behind-the-bacon-counter eyes... And there was just

something about the way she held her pricing gun that made me crash m'

trolleys. <sigh>

We started seeing each other, in the stock room, at break time --

CAT

She gave you claustrophobia?? I didn't think you could get it like

that...

LISTER

No...

She was married to this bald bloke who used to serve the fish; ten years

older than me. He was more interested in this amateur dramatics group he

used to run than her. One evening, we were both on the late shift; we snuck

into the stock room; started makin' love on a box of tinned asparagus.

After a couple of minutes - about half way through, I was seventeen - she

leapt up and said: "There's someone at the door!", so I jumped into this

wooden packing crate; it was 'im!

He asked what the *hell* she was doing lying on a box of reduced, tinned,

dented veg with no kit on. She said she was trying to get an all-over tan

from the lightbulb. He was havin' none of that.

He sealed me up in the box and said he was gonna drop me in the canal -

he drove me out there! I was *screamin'* at him, *pleadin'*: "let me out!";

promised him anything, said I'd never see her again, "just let me out!"

In the end, he relented, and I heard the box being opened. I stepped out,

bollock naked, right in the middle of the Bootle-players' amateur production

of "The Importance Of Being Earnest"...

CAT

Boy, that's enough to freak anyone out!

[-- 17 - Int. Starbug Ductway ---------------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present, down-corridor and well out of earshot of these

revelations, working at the access grill]

KRYTEN

I had no idea Mr Lister was claustrophobic; why did he never mention it?

KOCHANSKI

Well, it's probably not something he feels comfortable talking about.

KRYTEN

He's told me about everything else about his life...

KOCHANSKI

Not everything, Kryten.

KRYTEN <indignantly>

Absolutely, ma'am!

KOCHANSKI

[beat]

Everything?

KRYTEN

Mmm. Before you arrived, nights were long and dull. 'Cheese slice snap'

can only entertain for so long.

KOCHANSKI

So... what did he tell you about me?

KRYTEN

Oh, absolutely everything, ma'am. I don't think he missed a single

detail.

KOCHANSKI

You mean, he told you - about the rusty gate?

KRYTEN

Oh! The rusty gate; that was one of the first things he told us. We all

had a good laugh about that!

<KOCHANSKI's eyes widen>

KOCHANSKI

He told you that?? He told you that I make a sound like a rusty gate when

I'm making love?? He told you that??

KRYTEN

No, he - told us his, grandma once had a, rusty gate, and he, um, helped

fix it.

KOCHANSKI

And that gave you a big laugh?

KRYTEN

Well, like I say ma'am, nights were long and dull, a-ha ha. We were glad

of the anecdote.

KOCHANSKI <hideously embarrassed>

S-so, he didn't... just shut up, okay. I never said that.

KRYTEN

Allow me a second, ma'am. Just cross-filing that story under 'B' for

blackmail, and 'A', for anecdote; sub-category 'S' for 'so funny you'll

laugh till you're sick!'.

KOCHANSKI

Look, wig-stand head; me and Dave, it's all in the past.

KRYTEN

In which case, ma'am, why does he keep looking at you in the same way that

a starving man would look at a packed of roasted peanuts?

KOCHANSKI

Well, it's because --

KRYTEN

It's because, ma'am, he can't wait to get the wrapper off and taste the

salty goodness!

KOCHANSKI

[beat]

That's his problem; I'm accounted for.

KRYTEN

What about the way you look at him?

KOCHANSKI <indignant>

What way?

KRYTEN

I've seen the way!

KOCHANSKI

*What way*?

KRYTEN

Like he's a pot of cottage cheese with pineapple chunks in!

KOCHANSKI <aghast>

How could you say that..? I have *never* looked at him like he's a pot of

cottage cheese with pineapple chunks in! Maybe, once or twice, plain

cottage cheese, but never, *ever*, with pineapple chunks in! Never. Never!

[beat]

Have I??

[-- 18 - Int. Starbug Ductway ---------------------------------------------]

[LISTER, CAT present]

CAT

What's that?

LISTER

What's what?

CAT

Can't you hear it yet? Like a... roaring noise...

LISTER

A roaring noise?

CAT

Like a... watery kind of roaring noise...

LISTER

I can't hear a thing.

CAT

It's like water roaring down, say... a passageway. In a kind of roaring,

watery kind of way. I wonder what the hell it is!

CAT

Hey, where're you goin'?

LISTER

Kris! Kryten! Re-cyc water!

LISTER

Every four hours the ductways get backwashed!

CAT

You know what? I think I just solved the watery roaring noise problem.

LISTER

Come on!

<LISTER scrabbles off down the ductway, as CAT begins putting their things

back into his bag>

CAT

I ain't goin' wit' you!

LISTER

Why not??

CAT

That's where the water's coming from.

LISTER

Shit!

[Exit LISTER]

CAT

You can be really dumb sometimes, you know that?

[Exit CAT]

[-- 19 - Int. Starbug Ductway ---------------------------------------------]

<If LISTER hears CAT's comment he gives no indication, perhaps

understandable given that he's already put an admirable distance in the

opposite direction between himself and CAT.

There is no escaping the inevitable, however, and within seconds, thousands

of gallons of re-cycled water roars and foams its way down the ductways.

LISTER ducks into a side passage, then realising he's alone, darts back

out, grabs the wayward CAT and drags him into the passage with him, just as

the thundering torrent rages by>

LISTER <voice almost lost in the noise>

I hate this, I really hate this!

[-- 20 - Int. Starbug Ductway ---------------------------------------------]

[CAT, LISTER present. The bedraggled and thoroughly smegged-off duo crawl

though a different section of ducts]

CAT

What's that?

LISTER

What's what?

CAT

That noise...

LISTER

Oh, not again! What noise? Is it a roaring, watery kind of noise?

CAT

No, not *that* noise. This is a different kind of noise.

LISTER <scowling>

Is it a kind of 'Cat being smacked on the head by a smegged-off Lister's

fist' kind of noise..?

CAT

It's a sort of... swirly... windy... ah... water-drying, *hurricaney* kind

of noise!

LISTER

A swirly, windy, water-drying, hurricaney kinda noise??

[beat]

The dryer! The vents get dried after a backwash!

CAT

Here it comes...

<The roar of the dryers build until the duct is filled with gusting,

shrieking wind. LISTER and CAT cast around desperately for a handhold,

both grasping an overhead grating and are then lifted off their feet,

hanging precariously in what has now become a wind-tunnel.>

[-- 21 - Int. Starbug Ductway ---------------------------------------------]

<CAT loses his grip and tumbles down along the duct, LISTER lasting only a

moment longer before he too is whipped away to roll after CAT. Both of

them tumble a short distance before piling up against the wall of a

junction in the ducts>

[-- 22 - Int. Starbug Ductway ---------------------------------------------]

[LISTER, CAT present, both tangled up in a heap by the duct wall]

LISTER <disentangling himself>

I am *not* *having* *a* *good* *day*!!

[-- 23 - Int. Starbug Ductway ---------------------------------------------]

[ALL present, the Dwarfers have managed to find themselves and are enjoying

the temporary moment of calm. All except LISTER perhaps, who is finding

that the lack of activity has brought back his claustrophobia. KRYTEN

fusses beside him, holding a hypo-gun]

KRYTEN

This should help, sir; take away the rising panic.

LISTER

What is it?

KRYTEN

There was a first aid box in the supply store. Lemolacalcathryte. *

[*pr. "Lemo-plathenamine-cathorolite"!]

<KRYTEN applies the hypo-gun to LISTER's neck and empties a round into a

vein>

KRYTEN <to KOCHANSKI>

Well done, ma'am.

[-- 24 - Int. Starbug Ductway ---------------------------------------------]

[ALL present. After trekking for some time through the endless series of

service ducts, the quartet take a break in a larger section of corridor.]

KRYTEN

Well, everything considered, we made good time.

CAT

What if we're down here for days and end up having to eat each other like

those dudes from that plane crash?

KRYTEN

Those were exceptional circumstances sir. Their only other choice was

airline food. It won't happen to us.

KOCHANSKI

Good, because there's no way I could ever eat a person.

KRYTEN

No way I could ever cook one either. Not without my slow cooker.

CAT

What about drinking your own urine?

KRYTEN

Well that's absolutely out of the question; you should *never* serve urine

with white meat!

LISTER

I hate the dark. It reminds me of being back in the orphanage school. The

dorm was always pitch black. The tight sods didn't allow so much as night

lights, just to save electricity.

I remember one night, the lights went out, and as usual "Squeaky" Gibson's

bed started up - 'squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak'. We all picked up our

shoes and threw them at him: "Shut up, Gibson! We're tryin' to sleep!"

Anyway, we all settled back down, and after a while, his bedsprings

started up again - 'squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak'. More shoes,

football boots, trainers, everythin'! But there was no stoppin' him! Just

got faster and faster... 'Squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak-

squeak-squeak'!

So I got up, snapped on the light, and there, under a mountain of shoes,

was poor ol' Squeaky havin' an epileptic fit! I managed to wedge one of my

trainers into his mouth. Probably saved his life.

KOCHANSKI

Cyberschool was so different. We'd arriveon the first day of term, put on

our total immersion suits and get connected to the mainframe - and,

suddenly, there we'd be, in a perfect replica of a girls' boarding school.

We had Miss Brody for English, Mr Chips for maths, for history they

brought in Disreali and Ghengiz Khan, for literature they let us talk to

Shakespeare and Dickens...

CAT

Can't wait to hear what they did in sex education class...

KOCHANSKI

At eighteen when I finally got out, I kind of went off the rails...

KRYTEN

How 'off the rails'?

KOCHANSI

There are the rails. There's me.

KRYTEN

That's *way* off the rails.

LISTER

So... what did you do?

KOCHANSKI

Oh, you name it.

LISTER

No, *you* name it. what did you do?

KOCHANSKI Well...

LISTER Yeah?

KOCHANSKI

<laugh> What, you want me to write you a list?

LISTER

Yeah.

KOCHANSKI

Okay, I, er... Well, I, I smoked cigarettes, sometimes. I wore skirts

that were quite short. I went to the library and was really noisy...

LISTER

Really.

KOCHANSKI

No. Not really. I was in the real life for the first time! No

protectors... I went *insane*...

LISTER

Really..?

KOCHANSKI

Yeah... I was a retro-punk...

ALL

Wow!

KRYTEN

They always say the hardest part about leaving Cyberspace is realising the

whole universe does not revolve around you.

CAT

Sure doesn't! It revolves around me.

KOCHANSKI

Absolutely.

CAT

I'm serious! Look at the evidence.

LISTER

What evidence?

CAT

Take food. Until I bite into it, it has no taste.

Even when I know what I'm gonna say, it never bores me!

LISTER

You and you alone...

CAT

And here's the clincher: all of the interesting things that ever happenned

to me, happenned when I was in the room! Coincidence? Get outta here..!

[-- 25 - Int. Starbug Ductway ---------------------------------------------]

[ALL present. The quartet crawl back-breakingly though yet more featureless

service ducts]

KOCHANSKI

According to my reckoning we should be halfway across B-deck by now.

CAT

Boy, is this place hot! Satan could come here on his winter break!

LISTER

Hang on, how come it's getting hotter when the generators have packed in?

It should be gettin' colder, shouldn't it?

KRYTEN

Ma'am - that meteor storm you said we were heading towards, which

direction was it in?

KOCHANSKI

Dead ahead.

KRYTEN <panicking>

Oh! Anything else in the vacinity?

KOCHANSKI

To the west there is a sun, but that's about it.

KRYTEN

I think we've been knocked off course! Probably due to the initial

impact of the generators going down - I think we're heading straight into

that sun! And it's all my fault!

LISTER

Kryten, man, it's not your fault...

KRYTEN

It is!

LISTER

It isn't! You were just adjusting the thermosettings and it overloaded.

KRYTEN

I did it on purpose... I typed in the override code, on the access panel

in the corridor.

LISTER

*What*??

KRYTEN

I don't know what to say, I didn't realise it would be so dangerous!!

LISTER

Kryten, man, what made you do it??

KRYTEN

I really can't remember...

CAT

What do you mean, you 'can't remember'?

KRYTEN

I'd really, rather not say it out loud... might sound a bit silly...

KOCHANSKI

Say it...

KRYTEN

I didn't want you to have a bath, ma'am.

Well, I knew it would be one of those 'no clothes' baths, and Mr Lister

would scrub your back, and before we know what's going on, he's wearing

clogs and you're having GELFs around to dinner.

And what would happen to me?? I'd have been on my own again!

KOCHANSKI

Oh, *Kryten*!

KRYTEN

I - was - just - so - *scared*!

LISTER

Come on - we've got no time to waste, let's get the hell out of here!

KRYTEN

But we're not going to make it, sir!

LISTER <sliding off the panel>

Yes we are!

KOCHANSKI

How?

LISTER

We're gonna catch some surf!

[-- 26 - Int. Starbug ductway ---------------------------------------------]

[ALL present. The Dwarfers are sat, two-abreast, upon the salvaged metal

plate]

LISTER

Okay, here it comes...

CAT

Tell me again, how do you 'hang ten'?

LISTER

Just get into position!

Here it --

<A roaring tide of water bursts out of the duct behind them and sends their

makeshift surfboard careering down the metal duct>

ALL

AAAARRRRGGHH!

The Dwarfers, caught in the path of this liquid avalanche, are swept out of

control through the bowels of Starbug, crashing at last against a large

grating designed to seal off large matter from the water storage tanks.

Pressed up against the grating, the Dwarfers can do nothing but let the

last of the water blast past them>

[-- 27 - Int. Supply room -------------------------------------------------]

[Enter LISTER, KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN, all sopping wet]

LISTER

Oh! Thank god we made it!

<LISTER takes in his surroundings and realises they are not where they are

supposed to be>

LISTER

Oh God!!

<As KRYTEN begins studying their map, a clatter issues from the wardrobe

unit a little way into the room and everyone snaps their eyes to it. The

door slides open and, somehow, Cat stumbles out. He glances around,

puzzled, but there are more important things to worry about. Everyone

looks at KRYTEN and the map>

KOCHANSKI

How? *How*??

KRYTEN

I - er - I - ah - er...

<KRYTEN, examining the map, rotates it 180 degrees>

KRYTEN

Oh.

KOCHANSKI

Oh, that's it. We're fried. Unless someone's got some really *terrific*

sunblock cream.

KRYTEN

Not necessarily, ma'am. I excluded the doors from the shutdown override.

[KRYTEN walks over to the door on the other side of the small room]

KRYTEN

In case...

KRYTEN <whining>

Anything happened...

CAT

You mean we spent the night crawling through one end of this ship to God

knows where and back for absolutely no reason??

LISTER

It was all pointless? You put me through that *nightmare* when we could

just walk out that door at any moment??

KRYTEN <in tears>

Mm.

LISTER

Well, if you'll excuse us, we've got some serious reversing to do - but

we'll talk about this, over a cup of coffee, and a hot branding iron...

[Exit LISTER, CAT]

KOCHANSKI [brightly]

Well, 'night.

KRYTEN

Aren't you mad too, ma'am?

KRYTEN

You're not, are you.

KRYTEN

I think I understand: For you, the trek through the ducts was far from

pointless. It was an emotional journey where you gleaned invaluable

insights into your crewmates. This was your 'rites of passage'; you feel

enriched, wiser, and somehow bonded by this in a way that... you never

thought possible.

Am I right?

<While KRYTEN was pretentiously expounding theories, KOCHANSKI has

surreptitiously armed herself with her trusty pipe-bashing spanner>

KOCHANSKI

Say - 'nurieek'.

KRYTEN

'Nurieek'.

KRYTEN

Oof.

KOCHANSKI

Say 'rotut'.

KRYTEN

'Rotut'.

<Again the spanner flies, resulting in a satisfying 'clang' of metal against

metal>

KRYTEN

Ooh.

KOCHANSKI

Say 'hernunger'.

KRYTEN

Er, 'hernunger'.

<Clang>

KOCHANSKI

'Nurieek'.

KRYTEN

'Nurieek'.

<Clang>

KOCHANSKI

'Rotut'.

KRYTEN

'Rotut'.

<Clang>

KOCHANSKI

'Hernunger'.

KRYTEN

'Hernunger'.

<Clang>

KOCHANSKI

'Sqweloookal'.

KRYTEN

'Sqweloookal'.

<Clang>

KOCHANSKI

'Rotut'.

KRYTEN

Oohh!

'Rotut'.

<Clang>

KOCHANSKI

'Nurieek'.

KRYTEN

Ooh! 'Nurieek'.

<Clang>

KOCHANSKI

'Hernunger'.

KRYTEN

'Hernunger'.

<Clang>

KOCHANSKI

'Sqweloookal'.

KRYTEN

'Sqweloookal'.

<Clang>

KOCHANSKI

'Nurieek'!

KRYTEN

'Nurieek'.

<Clang>

[Sound and picture begin to fade]

KOCHANSKI

'Rotut'!

KRYTEN

'Rotut'.

<Clang>

KOCHANSKI

'Hernunger'!

[--------------------------- END OF "DUCT SOUP" ---------------------------]

[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor;

no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms

and corrections welcomed at "raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk". Thanks.]