Ouroboros

Ouroboros - Script v1.0

Raz, Datalink-Karma, 1996-97

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Happy, happy, joy, joy

@ 31Mar97

I do believe we have an "Ouroboros" script...

This is version 1.0 of the script, and is fully finished, barring corrections.

[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor; no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at the usual addy. Thanks.]

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Raz, DTLK, 1996-97 31Mar97 +

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RED DWARF - SERIES 7

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EPISODE 3 -- OUROBOROS

[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]

Version 1.0

2-4 February, 1997

Last updated: 31 March, 1997

Raz / raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk

http://www.mushroom.demon.co.uk

Credits for corrections:

Sea, Annette McIntosh

[-- 1 - Int. Empty pub ----------------------------------------------------]

<A pair of hands, their owner out of view, push a large cardboard box

underneath a zero-gravity pool table. A single word written in black

marker pen adorns the side of the box, and reads: 'Ouroboros'. The owner

of the box leaves without being seen accompanied by a strange 'whooshing'

noise, the source of which casts a momentary red glow on the floor. The

small leg of a baby can be seen in the box, kicking at its blankets>

[A caption appears on screen:

THE AIGBURTH ARMS, LIVERPOOL

NOVEMBER 26th, 2155]

[Enter CUSTOMER]

CUSTOMER

All right? Anyone servin' or what?

BARMAID [OOV]

With you in a minute, luv.

[Both speakers have distinct Liverpudlian accents]

[FX: baby sounds]

<Hearing the baby fretting, the CUSTOMER walks over to the pool table and

discovers the box. He picks it up and finds the baby wrapped in blankets

inside. He takes it back to the bar>

[Enter BARMAID, appearing behind the metal grating that seals off the bar

area]

BARMAID

'Ello, Frank, pet. What can I get for you?

CUSTOMER

Look at this - a just found it under the pool table.

<The barmaid opens a hinged section of the grating and the customer passes

the box through>

BARMAID

Any note?

CUSTOMER

No, not'in'.

BARMAID <peering inside the box>

Oh!

They've written its name on the side, 'ere.

'Our Rob, or Ross'

CUSTOMER

Yeah, look at the way it's spelt - they must've been thicker than a ticket

tout's wad. Couldn't even decide on a name.

BARMAID

Aw, poor little mite. I wonder what'll become of 'im? Som'thin'

terrible, no doubt...

[-- 2 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters ------------------------------------]

[LISTER present. He appears to be giving himself something of a hygeine

overhaul. Tufts of cotton wool protrude from his ears, presumably to soak

excess ear wax. Shaving foam covers the right-hand side of his face and

in one hand he holds a razor which he runs down his jawline while brushing

his teeth with his other hand. This completed to his satisfaction, LISTER

picks up a pair of cooking tongs and, fully anticipating agony, pulls out

an overtly protruding nasal hair. He cringes>

LISTER

I hate doin' that - I *hate* doin' that.

<Suddenly a sneeze overtakes LISTER, and something is blasted out of his

mouth to tinkle and lose itself against the bathroom equipment>

LISTER

Smeg! I've just sneezed out my cap!

[Enter KRYTEN. He carries a washing basket and fresh bedclothes]

KRYTEN

Just thought I'd change your linen before you turn in for the night, sir.

LISTER

Kryten, something terrible's happenned: I've lost my cap.

KRYTEN

No, no, here it is, sir. I've just finished giving it its monthly scrape.

LISTER

My *tooth* cap... the one you made from the skeleton in the medi-bay.

KRYTEN

Oh, I see.

LISTER

Heyy, here it is. I need some glue to stick it in; I've just got that

needly, pointy thing - I look disgusting.

KRYTEN

Let me see -

LISTER

No, no - I look all needly, pointy and disgusting.

KRYTEN

Let me see, sir. I'm a mechanoid, for goodness' sake. I won't be

revolted no matter *how* you look.

LISTER

Okay.

KRYTEN

Oh my god, it's hideous!

LISTER

Yes, yes, very funny - just fix it.

KRYTEN

It'll take about half an hour to prepare some dental adhesive.

LISTER

Oh, gimme some wood glue - you can re-do it in the mornin'.

KRYTEN

Wood glue? Are you sure, sir? I don't want you to get your lips glued

together, now be careful!

<LISTER turns to the mirror and slathers glue over his 'needly, pointy

thing' before sticking his cap back into place>

KRYTEN

Oh, incidentally, I just found some old clothes in one of the storage

lockers.

<KRYTEN takes out a pair of fluffy bunny slippers from his basket, placing

them on the table, and holds up a very pink, very frilly, very ladies

dressing gown>

LISTER <appreciatively>

Eyyyy, I need a dressing gown.

KRYTEN

Well, that's what I thought. I thought if I remove the trim, and let it

out a little bit, obviously dye it, well I think it could be just dandy.

LISTER

Yeah, nice one, Kryts.

KRYTEN

Oh, perhaps I could take the necessary measurements now, sir?

<LISTER stands with his arms outstretched and KRYTEN begins to take

measurements with a tape measure>

LISTER

I wonder why guys have nostril hair.

KRYTEN

I think its nature's way of telling you its time to buy a flat cap and a

pair of driving gloves, sir.

LISTER

Worst, are those guys who just let it grow. They look like they've got,

like, half a loo-brush lodged up each nostril. They look like those

machines that shine your shoes.

KRYTEN

Curious, isn't it, that most women aren't similarly afflicted. Obviously

I'm excluding women who work in Oxfam shops.

LISTER

Hey, it evens itself out, doesn't it. Women have the agony of childbirth

and we have -

LISTER

- this.

LISTER <voice laced with pain>

They don't know they're born! They don't!

<LISTER picks up a pack of dental floss and begins to clean his front teeth.

After a moment, his sideways motion suddenly stops. He tugs for a moment,

alarmed, before realisation dawns>

LISTER

What is *wrong* with me? Now I've got a box of floss attached to my face!

[Enter CAT. He takes in LISTER's dressing gown, cotton wool ears, and

dental floss arrangement]

CAT

Heyyy... nice outfit.

LISTER

Did you come in 'ere for a reason?

CAT

Oh yeah! Something's showing up on the long range scan which is *weird*

with a capital 'we'.

LISTER

Can you be a tad more scientific?

CAT

Come again?

KRYTEN

Er, is it a 'wibbly thing', or a 'swirly thing', sir?

CAT

At this early stage I'd hate to commit myself and wind up looking a fool!

Come see for yourself.

[Exit CAT]

LISTER

'Wibbly thing', or 'swirly thing', and he refuses to commit himself...

<LISTER takes the dangling strands of floss and its box and drapes them over

his shoulders>

LISTER

He's losing it, he really is.

[Exit KRYTEN, LISTER]

[-- 3 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------------]

[Deep Space. A dangerous-looking, undulating mass of orange-coloured energy

lies ahead of Starbug]

[-- 4 - Int. Starbug cockpit ----------------------------------------------]

[CAT, KRYTEN, LISTER present, at stations]

KRYTEN

It's some kind of power surge that's causing a major disturbance in the

fabric of Space-Time.

CAT

It's also causing a major disturbance in the fabric of my pants!

LISTER

It's almost like a tear...

KRYTEN

Perhaps a temporal rift?

CAT

I'm gonna turn this tub around a try to out-run it.

LISTER

Get real, man - that thing out there's going faster than a copy of

'Hello!' in a nunnery.

[Outside Starbug, we see the rift grow larger as Starbug approaches. Blue

space and stars appear to be within it]

KRYTEN

Suggest we treat it like a tidal wave, sir, and head straight for the 'eye

of the storm'.

LISTER

Cat -

CAT

Pshhh!

LISTER

Go for it, man. The eye of the storm.

<Starbug dives into the rapidly expanding rift, and is quickly caught up

in rippling eddies that shake the craft around and spin it on it's axis.

Some of the smaller, more delicate components in the cockpit expire in

small showers of sparks, but the ship in general seems to survive>

KRYTEN

We seem to be through the worst of it! But I'm picking up some kind of

subspace energy disturbance down on the engineering deck.

[-- 5 - Int. Starbug engineering deck ------------------------------------]

[This is a dark and quiet corridor within Starbug, with one particular

feature of interest: where once was one section of the side wall, there is

now a shimmering, pulsating wall of blue light]

[Enter KRYTEN, LISTER, CAT]

KRYTEN

According to the psi-scan, the membrane between two realities has

temporarily collapsed. This is some kind of 'hyperway', through non-space

to a parallel dimension.

LISTER

Let's have a goosey...

[LISTER steps tentatively into the Way, followed by KRYTEN and CAT]

[-- 6 - Int. Within the Way -----------------------------------------------]

[LISTER, KRYTEN, CAT present. The Dwarfers walk slowly along a ethereal

blue tunnel, seemingly constructed of misty azure laser light. It manages

to convey a suggestion of being structurally unsound, giving slightly

beneath the weight of their steps]

<CAT's foot tears through the base of the hyperway, and KRYTEN grabs his arm

and pulls him up. Revealed beyond the Way is an inky blackness beneath

filled with fast-flowing ribbons of mist>

KRYTEN

Careful, sir. The linkway's about as stable as an Italian taxi driver

who's got stuck behind two old priest in a Skoda.

CAT

What the hell *is* that?

KRYTEN

'Non-space', sir. An abyss of infinite nothingness, where Time doesn't

seem to exist.

LISTER

Sounds like Rimmer's organ recital night...

[-- 7 - Int. Within the Way -----------------------------------------------]

[LISTER, KRYTEN, CAT present]

<From the opposite end of the Way, three figures step into view from a

backdrop of bright light. Mirror images of the Dwarfers, there is a

Parallel KRYTEN, identical but for a gold body shell; a Parallel CAT,

immaculately dressed and aloof; and finally a Parallel LISTER; smartly

dressed, self-assured, and...>

P.LISTER

How's it going?

LISTER

You're a hologram...

P.LISTER

Hard light.

LISTER

So, in your dimension Lister died?

P.LISTER

In the radiation leak that wiped out Red Dwarf.

LISTER

Well, why didn't you get put into stasis like me? What happenned?

P.LISTER

Remember coming back from shore leave on Mimas..?

LISTER

I'd taken a couple'a days off to get over Kochanski. Yeah, I remember...

[We cut to flashback]

[-- 8 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------------]

[The Red Dwarf in orbit around Mimas. A shuttle approaches, bringing crew

back from shore leave]

[-- 9 - Int. Red Dwarf customs area ---------------------------------------]

[RIMMER present, standing in an embarkation corridor in a Red Dwarf customs

area. This is the Red Dwarf pre-accident, and is pretty much as it was in

series 1/2 time - masses of dull, grey metal and bored JMC staff. RIMMER

stands at the end of the corridor, close to the customs desk. He is

peering down the corridor which is out of shot, and holds a recognition

card marked "Smeg head"]

[Enter LISTER. He pushes a trolley before him piled with bags]

RIMMER

Where the hell have you been? I've reported you as A.W.O.L.

LISTER

I've been on shore leave, man. Didn't you get my message?

<A Customs officer points to LISTER's bags and he begins transferring them

to the officer's desk>

RIMMER

You're supposed to apply to a superior officeer before you get shore

leave, Lister.

LISTER

Look, give me a break. Ever since Kochanski split up with me I've needed

some time on my own, okay?

RIMMER

Kochanski dumped you?

LISTER

Yeah.

RIMMER

She really dumped you?

LISTER

Yes!

RIMMER

But you didn't tell me! You should have told me! Are you really

heartbroken?

LISTER

I dunno, man, y'know.

RIMMER

You are, aren't you!

LISTER

Okay, yes! Yes!

<The Customs officers check LISTER's items, all typical example's of tourist

junk, and pass them back for LISTER to load back on to his trolley>

RIMMER

Didn't I tell you you'd never bridge that class division? Take her:

navigation officer, cadet school, Space Corps., well-spoken, can stay awake

during operas, knows her cheeses. She's class. And you? What are you?

I don't mean to sound cruel but in comparison you're scum. And second-rate

scum, at that.

LISTER

Yeah, but remember, I used to be fourth-rate scum - I've dragged meself up

by my bootstraps, bub.

<LISTER heads off and RIMMER trails behind, trying to get LISTER's

attention>

[-- 10 - Int. Red Dwarf crew locker area ----------------------------------]

[Enter LISTER, RIMMER. LISTER steers his trolley through a tightly winding

corridor, lined on both sides by rank after rank of small, iron-doored

lockers]

RIMMER

Listy -

RIMMER

Your type isn't Kochanski, Listy. It's someone called 'Tiffany'. It's

someone who drinks Campari and soda and wears orange crotchless panties;

someone who thinks Deely-boppers are funny; someone who says 'sumfink'

instead of *something*, and laughs like a freshly wounded moose strapped to

a cement mixer.

<LISTER stops beside his locker, opens it, and begins to transfer his haul

into it>

LISTER

This from a man who's had less sex than a lettuce...

RIMMER

Oh, har har.

LISTER

Rimmer, people who say 'har har' have no sense of humour, they just can't

think of a witty retort.

RIMMER

[beat]

Oh, har har.

<Enter KOCHANSKI from around a corner. She looks pensive, and approaches

LISTER slowly. RIMMER spins around as she passes him and smarms up, his

introduction attracting LISTER's attention, to KOCHANSKI's annoyance>

RIMMER

Ah, Ms Kochanski, ma'am. I don't suppose you've read my proposal for a

new Space Corps. salute? It's just, I'm trying to get the support of the

officers to have it replace the conventional one. I don't want to pressure

you but it *is* rather important, because if you like it, that brings the

overall total of officers who are right behind it up to... one.

KOCHANSKI

Rimmer?

RIMMER

Yes, ma'am?

KOCHANSKI

Have sex with someone and that's an order.

RIMMER [embarassed]

Yes, ma'am. Right away, ma'am.

LISTER

'Ere:

LISTER

Ring this number, say I sent ya, tell 'em it's an emergency.

[Exit RIMMER, flustered]

KOCHANSKI

LISTER

Mmm.

KOCHANSKI

I just wanted to say, look, I'm sorry... for the 'Dear John'. It was

cowardly.

LISTER <acts as if he doesn't understand>

Oh, that! Sorry, I'd completely forgot. It seems like years ago.

KOCHANSKI

It was last week...

LISTER

Was it?

KOCHANSKI

Mm-hmm.

LISTER

Must've got over it -

LISTER

- just like that.

[Exit LISTER]

KOCHANSKI <following>

Oh come on, Dave!

[-- 11 - Int. Red Dwarf crew locker area ----------------------------------]

[LISTER present]

[Enter KOCHANSKI]

KOCHANSKI

It's just, we weren't going anywhere!

LISTER

How could we? We never got out of bed.

KOCHANSKI

Look, there's more to life than hanging out in your bunk, eating delivery

curries and having fantastic sex.

LISTER

Frankly, I find that very hard to believe...

KOCHANSKI

I just wanted to see if we could be friends...

LISTER

Do you mean give it another go?

KOCHANSKI

No, no. I'm, er, back with Tim now.

LISTER

Tim?? That guy is such a poser! The way he always wears that white suit

and that big white floppy hat...

KOCHANSKI

He's a chef!

LISTER

Yeeaahhh, but the way he always poses around, in the officers club,

smoking those black cigarettes. Such a phoney.

<A mewing sound is heard, and KOCHANSKI pulls open LISTER's jacket. She

reaches into the inside pocket and removes a small black cat>

KOCHANSKI [incredulous]

Do you know what you'll get for smuggling a cat on board??

LISTER

What, cat-martialed?

KOCHANSKI

I'm serious! As serving N.O. I'm supposed to report this!

LISTER

So report it, get me put into stasis for six months.

KOCHANSKI

Don't you know how dangerous it is to smuggle in an unquarantined animal?

LISTER [sarcastically]

I was lonely - I'd just been dumped by my girlfriend...

KOCHANSKI

It breaks every reg. in the manual...

[Exit KOCHANSKI]

[-- 12 - Int. Red Dwarf waste disposal area -------------------------------]

[Enter KOCHANSKI. This is a dingy area of the ship decorated with gloomy

paintwork, red lighting and large industrial machinery]

<KOCHANSKI stops at the small door of a machine labelled 'Disintegrator' and

opens it. She puts the cat into the unit, closes the door and taps

commands into the console. Gazing at the cat as the unit begins to power

up, KOCHANSKI relents at the the last moment, opens the door and takes out

the cat>

KOCHANSKI <holding the feline up to her face>

Just don't get caught or I'm out cold for six months, okay??

[-- 13 - Int. Inside the Way ----------------------------------------------]

[Cut back to present time. We are once more within the shimming blue

linkway]

[LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN, P.LISTER, P.CAT, P.KRYTEN present]

LISTER

So you didn't get put into stasis, and died with the rest of the crew..?

P.LISTER

Then Holly brought me back as a hologram.

LISTER

So what happenned to Kochanski?

P.LISTER

They found the cat, and she got six months in stasis.

LISTER

Does that mean...

[Enter KOCHANSKI. Like LISTER, she has changed somewhat since her days on

board Red Dwarf. Rather than cling to the Space Corps. (like Rimmer with

his uniforms) and to her Officer's status, the Parallel KOCHANSKI could be

said to be dressed for action. Her dark, shoulder-length hair is arranged

and fastened atop her head, and she wears a shiny, tight-fitting red

catsuit]

<LISTER, suddenly acutely aware of his own wardrobe, attempts to smarten

himself up, tuggling at the floss dangling from his teeth before finally

settling for scooping his dangling strands up into his mouth>

KOCHANSKI

Hi.

LISTER

You look great!

KOCHANSKI

You look pretty amazing yourself...

KOCHANSKI

So in this dimension you didn't die? You're an alternate version of

Dave...

LISTER

Well, I like to think of myself as the definitive version, y'know? Honed

to perfection by Time and evolution.

KOCHANSKI <eying LISTER again>

I can see why you think that, yeah.

P.KRYTEN

Sirs, er, ma'am, we've scarcely two hours before the dimensional tear

self-repairs and we loose the linkway. I suggest we might spend some of

that time exchanging supplies and information.

P.LISTER

We could update your hydrogen ram-drive to a tachyon-powered engine core?

CAT

And in return, maybe we could unscrew all those old pickle jars you can't

open!

KOCHANSKI

There is *something* you could do for us...

LISTER

Yeah?

KOCHANSKI

At some point I want to have children. It's a slightly pervy thing to

ask, especiually seeing as we've only just met, but perhaps you could -

LISTER

Yeah..?

KOCHANSKI

After all, we've been... y'know, lovers... Perhaps you could -

LISTER

Yeah??

KOCHANSKI

Fill this up. It's a self- gamet-mixing in-vitro tube. I'm... already in

there; it just needs your... contribution.

LISTER

So it worked out for you guys, then.

LISTER <bitterly>

Congratulations.

<Before anything further can be said, a sudden explosion rocks the flimsy

Linkway, almost knocking those present off their feet. KRYTEN frantically

taps commands into his Psi-scanner>

KRYTEN

Gelf ship! Somehow they've managed to infiltrate non-space!

<A second shot fired by the Gelfs impacts upon the Linkway with an explosion

that rips the base of the delicate structure apart - the ragged ends

seperated by a distance of 10 feet or so, only held together by the roof

of the Way. Off-balance, KOCHANSKI falls but manages to grab the strap of

a box carried in by the Parallel Lister and placed on the floor of the

tunnel. The Parallel LISTER dives on the box to stop KOCHANSKI dragging

her support away with her, and stretches his arm down into non-space>

P.LISTER

Chris! Give me your hand!

LISTER <to KRYTEN>

Hang on to m' feet, man!

<LISTER drops to the base of the Linkway and lies prone, then shuffles his

body down over the lip of the tear, reaching out to the struggling

KOCHANSKI>

CAT <of the box's strap>

It's gonna give!

<Suddenly inspired, LISTER lets out his dental floss, KOCHANSKI grabs it

and LISTER, wincing with the strain, hauls her up and onto the 'wrong' side

of the Way. Just as she reaches safety, the Gelfs launch a third salvo and

the tunnel begins to shake itself apart. A third explosion succeeds in

ripping the Linkway in two and KOCHANSKI, catching the brunt of the

explosive seperation, is rendered unconscious; Lister scoops her into his

arms. The two crews are forced back into their respective ships - the link

between their two dimensions lost...>

[-- 14 - Int. Starbug Medi-bay --------------------------------------------]

[KOCHANSKI present, unconscious on the medi-bay's bed, LISTER anxiously

hovering over her. KRYTEN fires a hypo-spray into her neck them moves away

to study her charts. KOCHANSKI's eyes flutter open, and she wraps her arms

around LISTER and pulls him close to her]

KOCHANSKI

I thought I'd lost you!

LISTER

I think you've mistaken --

KOCHANSKI

Shh!

<KOCHANSKI pulls LISTER closer and kisses him. After a long moment, she

lets him go>

KOCHANSKI

What were you saying?

LISTER

Forget it...

<Without encouragement this time, LISTER enjoys another kiss. KRYTEN turns

and takes in the scene>

KRYTEN

Oh dear! Er, sir, I think, er, Miss Kochanski's under the delusion that

you're --

LISTER <hurriedly>

Er, not now, Kryten, man.

KRYTEN

But you don't understand me, sir, you see Miss Kochanski thinks that

you're --

LISTER

I can handle it, okay! Now go and make some sweet tea or something!

KRYTEN

B - Permission to speak, sir?

LISTER <muffled by another passionate kiss>

Permission refused!

<Abruptly, KOCHANSKI breaks off the kiss and pushes LISTER back. She sits

up and looks around>

KOCHANSKI

Wait a minute... this isn't the medi-bay...

LISTER

I think you must have mistaken me for *your* Lister...

KRYTEN

Well, *that's* what I've been trying to tell you all along, sir!

LISTER

Were you!?

KRYTEN

If only you'd listened to me, I could have saved you from all that

yukkiness.

KOCHANSKI <disgustedly>

Is that the kind of guy you are? Someone who'd take advantage of a woman

who's half-insensible??

LISTER

I was gonna tell you, honestly! It's just, they always told me in school

it's rude to talk with your mouth full.

KOCHANSKI

Wait, you mean I'm *stuck* here with you?

<She grabs the pink nightie from its hook on the door and throws it at

LISTER>

KOCHANSKI

'Priscilla, Queen of Deep Space'?? No way! I've got to get that linkway

back!

LISTER

It's not exactly possible at the moment, we're under attack.

[Exit LISTER, KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN]

[-- 15 - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]

[CAT present, at the helm]

[Enter LISTER, KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN. They assume stations, KOCHANSKI sitting

at the now empty navigaton console]

CAT

It's back on our tail!

LISTER

What is it?

CAT

Some Gelf battle cruiser.

<A piece of paper suddenly spews forth from a printer; on it is a picture of

a particularly hideous, hairy Gelf. KRYTEN tears it off and hands it to

LISTER>

KRYTEN

They've sent a scan, sir. Take a look.

LISTER

Oh my god, it's the missus.

KOCHANSKI

The what?

KRYTEN

Mr Lister's Gelf bride.

CAT

We all went to the wedding, it was just beautiful.

KOCHANSKI

He married this??

CAT

He had to.

KOCHANSKI

You mean..?

LISTER

We were in a bit of a fix! We needed an engine part!

KOCHANSKI

You should visit the orang-utan house at London zoo sometime, your eyes'd

be out on stalks!

KRYTEN

Wait! They're opening comms channels -

KRYTEN

Er, sir? They're demanding you return to your bride. In Gelf law,

seperation is impossible without special dispensation from hhakk-akhhaak-

kkhhak, hhakh-hhakhkhkahak-hkaahkahk-hkhk. Chief Justice of hakhakhk-

aahkahkh-hkhakkhaakhaaakah-akkk-hhakaaaak-kak-akk-hakkakak.

KOCHANSKI

Okay, patch me in to the NCN and I'll lay down an S-S line.

CAT

You'll *what*, officer B-B?

KOCHANSKI

Quadrant four-niner-two, stroke G eight-seven, moving across to quadrant

two to Q four-one stroke nine. Just follow my co-ords.

CAT

Your cords?

KOCHANSKI

Yeah, my co-ords.

CAT

You want me to follow your cords??

KOCHANSKI

Is that a problem?

CAT

Now, you're not talking about trousers, are you..?

KOCHANSKI

Co-ordinates...

CAT

Co-ordinates! Thank you!

[-- 16 - Action MONTAGE ---------------------------------------------------]

<The Dwarfers get their act together, and Kochanski leads them down to the

surface of an ice planet where Cat begins to thread Starbug through the

glaciers, the Gelf cruiser barelling along behind them>

KOCHANSKI

Twenty degrees starboard from this next burg...

KOCHANSI

They're right on our tails.

Hold this line... keep holding...

<Starbug describes a shallow decline, getting closer and ever closer towards

scraping the rough surface of the ice planet>

KOCHANSKI

*Keep* holding... lift now!

<CAT and LISTER yank the dual control yoke backwards and Starbug's snub nose

lifts itself, and the rest of the ship, upwards and clear of the snow-

covered rocks they were heading for. The Gelf ship, with it's extra bulk

and lack of manouvrability, crashes headlong into the valley floor>

CAT [grudgingly]

Really snazzy!

[-- 17 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters -----------------------------------]

[LISTER present, sprawled on his bed]

[Enter KRYTEN. He carries a laundry basket, and his general atitude and

brusque, forceful movements, show that he is obviously agitated about

something]

KRYTEN

Still no sign of Miss Kochanski's ship, sir. We're fast running out of

time.

LISTER

I know. It's good, isn't it!

KRYTEN <shortly>

No, sir. I don't believe it is.

LISTER

What, don't you like her?

KRYTEN

I'm a mere mechanoid, sir. It's hardly my place to point out what a...

bossy old trollop she is!

LISTER

Good kisser, though.

KRYTEN

She knew that was you *all along*, sir! She was merely trying you out to

compare you with *her* Mr Lister. Pshaw!

Apparently, he's quite something. Initially a soft light hologram, that's

made him 'sensitive and caring in a way most men aren't'.

LISTER

What, you mean he can remember anniversaries and stay awake for several

seconds after sex?

KRYTEN

He's 'every woman's dream guy', sir. He even enjoys shopping for shoes!

LISTER

Jesus...

KRYTEN

A human male, who's prepared to have in-depth discussions about...

KRYTEN mimes quote marks in the air with his hands>

KRYTEN

..."relationships".

LISTER

Eurgh!

KRYTEN

We're talking about someone about someone 'quite exceptional' here, sir.

LISTER

Where does that leave me?

KRYTEN

Well that leaves you trying to help me get her - get her back to her

rightful ship.

<After trying for a moment to plump LISTER's duvet, KRYTEN bats it out of

his way and sits down on the bunk>

KRYTEN

She can't stay here, sir. She just can't!

LISTER

Kryten, man, are you okay?

KRYTEN

I just know we're not going to be able to get rid of her!

[KRYTEN's voice has dramatically changed - it's now very high pitched, like

he's on the verge of bursting into tears]

LISTER

Why's that so terrible?

KRYTEN

She's gonna take you away from me, I just know it!

LISTER

What??

KRYTEN

I took her a glass of milk while she was showering... *I've* *seen* *her*

*naked*!

LISTER

So?

KRYTEN

She's got all those 'in and out' bits that you like...

LISTER

Kryten, no matter what happens, you and me - we're compadres; amigos.

KRYTEN

But that's all going to change if she stays! You'll end up liking her

more!

LISTER

I won't.

KRYTEN

You will!

LISTER

I won't!

KRYTEN

You will!

LISTER

I won't! I won't! I *won't*!

KRYTEN

You promise?

LISTER

I promise.

KRYTEN

So if she walked in here now, and, and took all her clothes off, and said

"Oh, make love to me, you horny dude", and I said, "oh, perhaps you'd prefer

to fold some sheets with me instead, sir?" What would you do?

LISTER

[beat]

What kind of sheets would they be?

KRYTEN

Well, those nice cotton ones with the pattern.

LISTER

What, blue stripey ones or the green square ones?

KRYTEN

The green square ones.

LISTER

So, it's making love to Kochanski, or folding sheets with you?

[beat]

Can I do final fold and stack?

KRYTEN

Absolutely.

LISTER

Well it'd be the sheets, then.

KRYTEN

Oh! She's standing there all naked with all the in-and-out bits going all

inny and outy?

LISTER

It'll be the sheets, Kryt. You and me. Hospital corners.

KRYTEN

Really?

LISTER <pulling a face>

Too true.

KRYTEN

[beat]

You're lying!! You're just trying to make me feel better! Ohh! Why

can't she be more like Mr Rimmer? He was perfect! he didn't have any

in-and-out bits, hardly at all.

LISTER

There's no one I care more about than you, okay!

KRYTEN

I'd never dump you like she did! Never!

LISTER

It's not gonna change.

KRYTEN

Never?

LISTER

Never.

KRYTEN

[beat]

You're lying!!

LISTER

I'm *not* lying!!

KRYTEN

Yes you are! I'm gong to end up on my own again, just like I did on the

Nova 5!

LISTER

You killed the crew, Kryten! No wonder you ended up on your own! All

right, it was an accident, but nevertheless...

KRYTEN

But what about before that? It was the same on the SS Augustus.

LISTER

They all died of old age!

KRYTEN

You see!?!

[-- 18 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------------]

[Starbug flies by a planet]

[-- 19 - Int. Starbug Cockpit ---------------------------------------------]

[CAT, KOCHANSKI present, at stations]

[Enter KRYTEN]

KRYTEN

I thought I'd, er, lend a hand and see if I could help you get out of

here.

KOCHANSKI

I've got a positive trans-dimensional trace but I still can't

re-establish the linkway. I'm sure it's something to do with electro-

magnetic phasing frequencies.

CAT

You took the words right out of my mouth!

KRYTEN

Have you tried inverting the signal?

KOCHANSKI

We'll need a power re-route in the auxiliary power drives.

[Exit KOCHANSKI]

CAT <calling to KOCHANSKI>

I'll take care of that! ... Whatever it is.

KRYTEN

It's the, er, big red button, there, sir.

[Exit KRYTEN]

<CAT pulls a face and presses the button off, pauses, then serenely presses

it on again>

[-- 20 - Int. Starbug mid-section -----------------------------------------]

[KOCHASNKI, KRYTEN present, each seated at the scanner table and tapping on

portable terminals]

[Enter CAT, leaning against the cockpit hatch]

CAT

Hey, officer Bud-Babe, about that power simillililillum-inuminim drive?

Taken care of.

[Exit CAT]

<KRYTEN shakes his head, then he and KOCHANSKI work in awkward silence for a

few moments>

KOCHANSKI [pensively]

You don't like me, do you?

KRYTEN

Ma'am?

KOCHANSKI

You don't, do you?

KRYTEN

Ma'am, I think it'd be more efficient if we spent our energies trying to

re-establish the linkway.

KOCHANSKI

But why --

KRYTEN

Please!

KOCHANSKI

I mean --

KRYTEN

Ma'am!

KOCHANSKI

I need to know why!

KRYTEN

Do you indeed?

KOCHANSKI

Yes.

KRYTEN

Well, you're not good enough for him! That's all. Okay, he may walk

around smelling like a Balti house laundry basket, but he doesn't need the

likes of you swapping dimensions like there's no tomorrow, and bewitching

him with all your... in-and-out bits. All pointy and unnecessary!

KOCHANSKI

[beat]

You've got big problems, you know that?

KRYTEN

Well, at least I don't have a ridiculous walk. Unlike some people.

KOCHANSKI

Ha! Have you seen the way *you* walk??

KRYTEN

I have a perfectly sensible walk!

KRYTEN

At least I don't walk like this:

<KRYTEN performs an exaggerated female walk, his hips swinging and his arms

held out delicately>

KOCHANSKI <peering at screen>

Phaser frequency four-three-four - we've got it back!

KRYTEN

What? You're right, that's it!

KOCHANSKI

I can leave!

KRYTEN

You can leave!

<They high-five, before remembering they dislike each other. Each sit down

and tap concentradedly at their terminals>

[-- 21 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------------]

[A dimensional rift in space, with the undulating blue umbilical of a

Linkway]

[-- 22 - Int. Starbug mid-section -----------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI present]

KRYTEN

Champagne, everyone! If this doesn't deserve a celebration, I don't know

what does!

CAT

What are we celebrating exactly?

<KRYTEN, standing to the side of and just behind KOCHANSKI, gestures toward

her with his head and mouths 'She's leaving!' KOCHANSKI turns to the mech

who instantly smiles warmly at her>

KRYTEN

You've found your crewmates at last - how wonderful!

KOCHANSKI <wryly>

Thanks, Kryten...

KRYTEN

I must go and find the others.

[Exit KRYTEN, skipping happily]

[-- 23 - Int. Gantry within Starbug ---------------------------------------]

[LISTER present]

[Enter KOCHANSKI]

LISTER

This is for you.

Just pop that in the uterine simulator in your medi-lab and... bingo.

KOCHANSKI

Wow...

LISTER

Our child...

KOCHANSKI

I'll... you know.

LISTER

I know.

KOCHANSKI

As soon as it's old enough I'll tell it all about you -

LISTER

Just make it understand why I'm not there, I don't want it ending up like

me.

KOCHANSKI

What happenned to you was really rough. The pool table, no note, no

explanation...

LISTER

I think that's why I spent most of my early life drifting, y'know? I

didn't have anything to look to cos I didn't know who I was, where I came

from. Just those two names they couldn't decide on calling me; 'Rob' or

'Ross'.

KOCHANSKI

Well... I'll look after it. You know I will.

LISTER

Yeah, I know.

[Enter KRYTEN, interposing himself between them to get to the gantry

railing]

KRYTEN

Excuse me, sir; just doing a spot of dusting here...

[-- 24 - Int. Starbug cargo bay -------------------------------------------]

[Enter LISTER, KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN]

KOCHANSKI

Look, this is probably a long shot but if we can hit the right settings

it may be possible to communicate trans-dimensionally.

LISTER

See ya...

KOCHANSKI

Bye.

[Exit KOCHANSKI]

[Enter CAT, struggling with a large box. LISTER takes one of the handles

and they hold it between them]

LISTER

What's this?

CAT

Supplies from Bud-Babe's ship.

LISTER

No, *this*

KRYTEN

Well, it's the symbol for 'infinity', sir. The snake, eating it's own

tail and thus completing the everlasting circle of life that has no

beginning or end.

LISTER

What's it doing on 'ere?

KRYTEN

The crate used to contain batteries, sir. Ouroboros batteries;

everlasting.

LISTER

Ourobo-what??

KRYTEN

Ouroboros, sir - it's the name of the symbol.

<LISTER rubs his hand along the top of the box, revealing the "Ouroboros

Batteries" legend stencilled on it>

CAT

What is it, bud?

LISTER

Ouroboros... It wasn't 'Our Rob or Ross', it was Ouroboros..!

CAT

What was?

LISTER

The message that was written on the side of my box!

CAT

You came in a box? That explains everything.

LISTER

I know who my parents are... I know who I am... I understand, now!

KRYTEN

Explain, sir!?

LISTER

The in-vitro tube, the one that Kochanski's got. The frozen embryo - it's

me! At some point after the baby's borm we must go back in time and leave

me under the pool table at the Aigburth Arms. We wrote Ouroboros on the box

to explain! I'm my own father... and Chris is my ex-girlfriend and my mum!

CAT

You should write a letter to Playboy, bud. I bet you anything it'd get

printed.

LISTER

I've gotta get that test tube back.

[LISTER sprints out after KOCHANSKI, CAT and KRYTEN following]

[-- 25 - Int. The Way ----------------------------------------------------]

[P.LISTER, P.KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, P.CAT present]

[Enter LISTER, running to catch up]

LISTER <shouts>

Mum! Wait!

KOCHANSKI

What?

LISTER

I need the in-vitro tube! It's me!

[The Parallel crew are too far away to hear properly]

KOCHANSKI

It's what??

[Enter KRYTEN, CAT]

KRYTEN

The Gelfs are back!

<Cutting out into non-space, we see a companion Gelf ship has tracked down

the Dwarfers and is doing all in its power to break the trans-dimensional

connection. It fires a second shot and the tortured Linkway shudders and

tears apart, again stranding the unfortunate Kochanski in the wrong

Dimension. This time, she isn't going to put up with it. Setting her

sights on the ragged ledge of the linkway that floats temptingly just feet

away, she shrugs off her jacket and unclips her heavy belt>

LISTER

What are you doing?

KOCHANSKI

I'm gonna jump!

CAT

You'll never make it!

LISTER

Chris, no!!

<KOCHANSKI takes a wild leap, fingers stretching for the lip of the linkway.

Spread almost flat, she falls short by mere centimeters and plummets into

the blackness of non-space>

P.LISTER

Christine!!

KRYTEN

We've lost her, sir.

LISTER

No.

No!

P.LISTER

Christine!!

<LISTER's communicator suddenly emits a bleep. He fumbles it out>

LISTER

Yeah?

KOCHANSKI [Mic.]

Hi, it's me.

LISTER

Hi -

KOCHANSKI [Mic.]

I've decided to stay; just, one proviso -

LISTER

Yeah?

KOCHANSKI [Mic.]

Save my life, okay?

[-- 26 - Int. Starbug cargo bay -------------------------------------------]

[Enter LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN, running to the cargo stores and tearing lids

off containers as quickly as possible]

LISTER <into Communicator>

Cargo bay; looking now!

LISTER <pulling a weapon of some kind out of a box: to KRYTEN>

What's this??

KRYTEN

It's mountaineering equipment from Miss Kochanski's ship, sir.

LISTER

A crossbow?

KRYTEN

I thought it might come in handy next time we run into your wife.

KOCHANSKI [Mic.]

You've got about 20 seconds before I'm out of reach!

CAT

Rope?

LISTER

Yes! Yes! Yes!

[LISTER sprints OOV]

[-- 27 - Int. The Way -----------------------------------------------------]

KOCHANSKI [Mic.]

I'm getting a *mite* panicky, here..!

[Enter LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN]

<LISTER runs to the lip of the Way, attaches the rope to a crossbow bolt and

takes careful aim through the telescopic sight. Sweat beading on his brow,

his finger tenses; he knows that a stray shot will end the life of the only

woman he has ever truly loved - in more ways than one.

He pulls the trigger, and the bolt hurls itself into the abyss. The pile

of rope uncoiles with dizzying speed as the the bolt arcs through the

blackness - until it embeds itself solidly, clear through Kochanski's right

thigh>

KOCHANSKI

Aaarg!

<She gasps in agony and stares at the bolt protruding redly through both

sides of her leg>

KOCHANSKI

Bastard!

<As LISTER and CAT struggle with the rope, LISTER's communicator bleeps, and

KRYTEN takes it from his pocket. KRYTEN listens, his eyes widening>

KRYTEN

It's an obscene phone call, sir. I think it's for you.

[-- 28 - Int. Starbug medi-bay --------------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present]

KRYTEN

I've brought you a drink, but don't think for one minute it means I've

gone all mushy on you.

KOCHANSKI

I'm gonna get up, and work out a way of re-establishing that linkway.

KRYTEN

It's too late ma'am, the rift's self-repaired...

[His voice again becomes tearful and high-pitched]

KRYTEN

We're *stuck* with you!

KOCHANSKI

I'm gonna try, *anyway*.

<KOCHANSKI slides off the bed awkwardly, and pads over to the door.

Standing, KRYTEN sees that the back of her gown has got fastened in the

waistband of her undershorts>

KRYTEN

Oh, ma'am -

KOCHANSKI

Yes, Kryten?

KRYTEN

Welcome aboard...

KOCHANSKI

Thanks, Kryten.

[-- 29 - Int. An empty pub ------------------------------------------------]

[The scene is an old, circa 22nd century English pub, in the foreground is

a zero-g pool table. A flash of red lighting arcs down to the floor and

LISTER appears, holding a cardboard box in which is a baby, wrapped in

blankets. A single word written in black marker pen adorns the side of the

box, and reads: 'Ouroboros']

[A caption appears on screen and reads: "EIGHTEEN MONTHS LATER"]

LISTER [to baby]

For a long time, you'll think that you were abandoned, but you *weren't*,

man. You were put here to create a paradox, an unbreakable circle. With us

going 'round and 'round in time, the human race can never beome extinct.

We're like... a kind of 'holding pattern'.

LISTER

I'll see ya, son.

<Quietly, LISTER approaches the pool table and, bending down, gently slides

the box underneath. He steps away>

[--------------------------- END OF "OUROBOROS" ---------------------------]

Bonus points if you noticed that there were no opening titles in this

episode. Indeed, this wasn't an oversight on my part - perhaps they were

pushed for time... =)

[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor;

no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms

and corrections welcomed at "raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk". Thanks.]