Tikka To Ride

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RED DWARF - SERIES 7

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EPISODE 1 -- TIKKA TO RIDE

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Version 1.02

17-24 January, 1997

Last updated: 30 April, 1997

Raz / raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk

http://www.mushroom.demon.co.uk

Credits for corrections:

Sea, Polygon, Matt Sommer, Paul Annett, Matt White (lots of info),

Annette McIntosh & the original script, John Benton

[-- 1 - Int. Starbug ------------------------------------------------------]

[For the first time in RD history we have a full, pre-titles Teaser.

From black, the screen fills with kaleidoscopic swirls which resolve into

a picture of Lister, rotated 90 degrees]

[LISTER present, standing]

LISTER

Hello? Testing, 1-2-3. Hello?

<POV changes back to normal and we see LISTER examining a portable camera

lying on its side on a bench. He gives the camera two taps>

LISTER

Yeess! Well, here we go.

<LISTER picks up the camera and holds it out in front of him, pointing at

his head. He begins to walk through corridors>

Ship's log... erm... one. I've decided to keep a journal of life on board

ship, and send it off in a probe. Since turning 28 I feel a new maturity

about myself - in fact I can't even remember the last time I tried to

urinate on Rimmer from the top of D-deck - no, wait a minute... Friday. But

apart from that *one lapse*, maturity-wise I'm practically up there with Abe

Lincoln and Moses.

Now, just recently we came across a craft, piloted by ourselves from 15

years into the future. We had a bit of an argument, and they attacked us.

See attached:

[Cut to scenes from Out Of Time...]

RIMMER

Another lock!

LISTER

Incoming message...

[The screen resolves to a picture of the Future Rimmer]

[Small section of original script edited out from TTR]

FUTURE RIMMER (Mic.)

[...] Either you give us access to the data we require, or be prepared to

be blasted out of the sky...

[Large script chunk edited out of TTR - the ultimatum, discussion and

decision to fight; the Dwarfer's succesful opening rounds and, as Lister

fires the lasers, the first shot from the future crew which caused the

feedback loop that detonated the panel in front of him, killing him

instantly]

<A second hit destroys Cat's station, blasting him backwards to fall over

Kryten's panel>

RIMMER

Cat!!

KRYTEN

...Dead... but there may be a - </a>

<A third hit rocks the 'Bug, and the complex equipment behind Kryten's head

overloads and explodes. Kryten slumps backwards, lifeless.>

RIMMER

Kryten... Kryten!

[Rimmer, in soul-consuming shock, scrambles over to the motionless

mechanoid, his hardlight hands grasping Kryten's shoulders, unable or

unwilling to accept the truth.]

RIMMER

There may be a *what*? A way out of this? Is *that* what you were gonna

say?? S-Speak, Kryten! *How* can we change what's happening!?

<Through his despair, an idea hits Rimmer, but from his expression it is

impossible to tell what he is thinking or feeling. He turns and stumbles

from the blasted cockpit into the Mid-section, somehow remembering to pick

up Lister's bazookoid before kicking open the hatch and charging down to

Starbug's lower levels.

Through corridors he runs, the tortured ship shuddering and tearing itself

apart around him. A corridor section collapses and a huge bulkhead crashes

down onto his hardlight back, but Rimmer is oblivious to the pain, one

thought blotting out all consciousness, he *must* reach the Time Drive.

Suddenly, he's standing in front of it. Rimmer raises the bazookoid.

Loads. Fires.

Incandescent light blasts from the ruptured drive, but our perspective

shifts into space, where a streak of red fire ploughs into the battered

ship.

This time, no resistance remains. Starbug loses its fragile grip on

coherency and detonates utterly, with an explosion that matches a thousand

Death Stars. When the debris clears, and the light fades, Starbug is

gone; there is no indication that there was ever anything there...>

[Cut back to Lister making his recording]

LISTER

We were no match; they killed us, and destroyed everything on board ship -

including the Time Drive, which meant there was no Time Drive for them to

have in the future, to bring back into the past, [to] destroy the future of

their past selves in the present.

Put simply: by killing us they killed themselves, because once we were

dead it was impossible for us to become them in the future, and return in

time to kill ourselves in the past, even though it was the present.

<As LISTER's speech draws to a close the camera begin to emit a buzzing

noise. Suddenly it hisses, throws out sparks and blows up>

[Enter KRYTEN]

LISTER

Oh smeg!

KRYTEN

Have you been trying to explain about our future selves *again*, sir??

LISTER

I just thought I'd give it one more go -

KRYTEN

D'oh! That's the third camera this week! The machines just can't take it,

sir.

LISTER

But I'm only trying to explain why Starbug's damaged, despite the

timeline being erased; 'cos this reality's unstable, and anomalies have

merged from both dimensions to cope with the paradox.

KRYTEN

Oh! Garbled, confusing, and quite frankly duller than an in-flight

magazine produced by 'Air Belgium'! Now just state our position and

explain we're down on supplies.

[Exit KRYTEN]

LISTER

All right! All right!

[Exit Lister]

[-- 2 - Model shot --------------------------------------------------------]

[-- 3 - Int. A Starbug console room----------------------------------------]

[Console-mounted camera POV. Camara crackles to life, showing LISTER

present, seated in front of console]

LISTER

This is Dave Lister of the JMC transport vehicle 'Starbug'. We're down on

supplies; we need help. Out.

LISTER

By the way, we're in space. Passed a sort of reddy moon a couple of days

ago, co-ordinates enclosed.

LISTER

It's about *that* shape. You can't miss it.

[-- 4 - Model shot --------------------------------------------------------]

[Starbug flying through space]

LISTER [VO]

Ships log, update: Friday, am. The battle with our future selves has had

the most terrible consequences...

[-- 5 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters ------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN, LISTER present. Close two-shot]

LISTER

Wiped out..? Kryten, man, they *can't* be...

KRYTEN

I'm afraid so, sir. The laser cannon breached the main watertank and

flooded supply deck B. They didn't stand a chance.

LISTER

Yeah, but surely --

KRYTEN

There was *nothing* we could do to save them, sir.

LISTER

So, now we've got no poppadoms at all?

KRYTEN

No poppadoms, no curries, all the Indian food supplies have been totaled.

LISTER

I'll have to survive without them then... I'll have salads.

KRYTEN

Sir! You're in shock, you don't know what you're saying.

LISTER

After all it's only curry.

KRYTEN

'Only curry'? The enormity of it hasn't sunk in - you must mourn, sir.

Don't you see? You must mourn.

LISTER

Curries...

KRYTEN

Ohhhh sirr, get it out! Cry like a baby!

LISTER

What am I gonna do? Curry night was the one little beacon I had... made

me feel like a normal ordinary guy, not some sad freak stuck in deep space;

no woman, no hope, no curry.

KRYTEN

Worse still, a choice of only two alcoholic beverages: Cinzano Bianco, or

advocat. It's a human tragedy!

LISTER

No lager??

KRYTEN

Sir, there is nothing unmanly in howling like a hungry prairie dog.

LISTER

No lager!?

KRYTEN

*All* the supplies on B-deck were destroyed, sir. There wasn't even any

wreckage, no debris, zip.

LISTER

God... a few beers and a curry, it was the highlight of my week!

KRYTEN

I used to look forward to curry night too, sir. seeing your little face

all happy and smiling, come rain or shine we'd always make time for curry

night. Every Friday.

LISTER

Saturday.

KRYTEN

Sunday.

LISTER

Tuesday.

KRYTEN

Wednesday.

LISTER

Thursday. Always the same meal: three poppadoms with mango chutney -

KRYTEN

Those little onions -

LISTER

Dill pickle -

KRYTEN

That day-glow green mint sauce that just doesn't wash out -

LISTER

The red stuff that no-one knows what it is -

KRYTEN

Then a shami kebab starter -

LISTER

Followed by a chicken vindaloo, kamikaze hot, with a fire extinguisher on

stand-by.

KRYTEN

And two scoops of kofi ice-cream.

LISTER

And two indigestion tablets. <LISTER sighs heavily>

Life without curry? It's like Laurel without Hardy; the Lone Ranger

without... that Indian bloke.

KRYTEN

Perhaps, you could learn to love... pasta?

LISTER

Pasta. You sick?

[-- 6 - Model shot --------------------------------------------------------]

[-- 7 - Int. Starbug cockpit ----------------------------------------------]

[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER present, at stations. CAT and RIMMER each wear a black

armband]

[Enter LISTER]

LISTER

You know the news? All the curry supplies have been destroyed.

CAT/RIMMER <pointing at armbands>

We heard.

RIMMER

As a mark of respect, we thought on Sunday at 12 o'clock we could have a

minute's flatulence.

LISTER

It's nothing to you guys, is it? It's changing my life!

KRYTEN

Sirs - the altercation with our future selves caused dimensional anomalies

which have expanded the cargo deck by 212%! We should ascertain that the

new structure is stable.

[-- 8 - Int. Cargo deck B -------------------------------------------------]

[ALL present. They stand at the entrance to the now-enormous cargo deck B.

Gently sloping, ridged walls bevel outwards then curl back in, rising to a

ceiling that towers above them, effectively forming a huge, flat-bottomed

cylinder. The back wall of the deck is an ethereal, corrugated blue

construction, and the floor is lost in thick mist which rises to their

knees. They begin to walk slowly through the deck.]

CAT

So let me get this straight: time has returned to the point before we

discovered the Time Drive, right? So what's to stop us going back on board

the Gemini 12 and picking it up all over again?

RIMMER

We have to avoid all forms of time travel; it's the only way of breaking

our destiny line and ensuring we don't end up like our future selves.

LISTER

Yeah, but surely we can use the Time Drive if we're careful? You know, if

we don't abuse it the way our future selves did? You know, if we're

sensible and mature.

RIMMER

And do what?

LISTER

Go back in time to an Indian take-away and order 500 curries.

KRYTEN

Sir, the scheme is irresponsible, moronic, and preposterous!

CAT

All your hallmarks, bud!

LISTER

Look, one *really* big take-away order once every two years and our

problems are over.

CAT

*Your* problems are over? Our problems are just beginning.

KRYTEN

What about causality? Interfering in the past no matter how minutely

always alters the present. Cause, and effect!

LISTER <intently>

Look, I'm a curry-aholic! I've only got two tastebuds that work, I *need*

*curry*.

RIMMER

We can't afford to take any more chances. I say the Time Drive stays where

it is.

CAT

You know I'd rather wear sideways-pressed flares and a clip-on polyester

tie than agree with goalpost head, but this time he's right.

LISTER

Oh *okay*. Okay.

[-- 9 - Int. Somewhere within the newly expanded decks of Starbug ---------]

[ALL enter, climbing down a ladder positioned in front of a huge, backlit

convection fan, whose blades whirl lazily. The Dwarfers begin to walk

along another cylindrical corridor]

KRYTEN

Er, since that completes the B-deck inspection, sirs, permission to

off-line for the next twelve hours while I discard some old cache files?

CAT

How come you need more memory? Over the years, you've had more RAM than a

field of sheep!

KRYTEN

My head is littered with unnecessary information, sir. The ability to

sing the Bay City Rollers' greatest hits is no longer a priority. For most

cultural purposes, crooning "Bye Bye Baby" is more than sufficient.

LISTER

This clean up thing - how does it work exactly?

KRYTEN

I simply attach my RAM to the ship's computer and download the unwanted

files into its trashfile.

LISTER <thoughtfully>

Your RAM's in your head, isn't it? So you won't actually be using your

body, then?

KRYTEN <confused>

Why do you ask?

LISTER

Just interested. Robotics, it's fascinating, isn't it.

[ALL exit]

[-- 9 - Int. Night. Starbug sleeping quarters -----------------------------]

[LISTER present. His alarm suddenly warbles, and LISTER wakes and silences

it. Accompanied by tense 'Indiana Jones'-style music, He quickly climbs

out of bed and leaves]

[-- 10 - Int. A Starbug console room --------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN present, sitting comatose at a computer console; his head is

connected to the console by a flexible spiral-twirled cord like that of a

phone handset. LISTER sneaks in, carrying a white plastic bag which he

places on a desk. He then unscrews KRYTEN's head, wire still attached, and

sets it down, then unwraps the spare head he brought with him and and

screws it on to KRYTEN's body. KRYTEN's eyes pop open]

KRYTEN

My heavens - I'm head head!

<LISTER clamps a hand over KRYTEN's mouth and pulls the chair away from the

desk so that KRYTEN, his arms flailing as he is wheeled back, can see him>

LISTER <urgently>

Shh! It's only temporary.

KRYTEN <sotto voce>

I don't understand.

LISTER

Look, I want to go back in time on a curry hunt. Kryten said "no way";

what do *you* say?

KRYTEN

I can't go behind Kryten's head; what would he say if he found out? It's

deceitful, wrong, and dishonest.

I'm in! Those are emotions I have longed to experience, but first, you'll

have to override my guilt chip and disable my behaviour protocols.

LISTER

Okay, show me how.

KRYTEN

Press the 'skull release' catch behind my right ear.

<LISTER flips up a panel of KRYTEN's head and props it up like the bonnet of

a car>

LISTER

Okay, here we go...

<SHOT: He eases out a black cylindrical unit and unclips a small piece from

it, placing it in a kidney bowl>

KRYTEN

My guilt chip.

No behaviour protocols... just call me "bad ass"!!

[-- 11 - Model shot -------------------------------------------------------]

[Starbug does a fly-by between two planets]

[-- 12 - Int. Starbug Mid-section -----------------------------------------]

[RIMMER, CAT present, seated at the table; RIMMER engrossed with notes on a

clipboard. KRYTEN stands nearby, with an egg-whisk attachment plugged into

his groinal socket]

[Enter LISTER]

LISTER

Hey, that smells good - what's for brekkie?

KRYTEN <now speaking in a much broader drawl>

Waffles, sir! Dripping in honey and jam, with three fried eggs on the

side, coated in cheese!

CAT

That sounds about as healthy as jumping off a cliff!

KRYTEN

Healthy? Who cares?? Pork away!

<KRYTEN punctuates this last with a pelvic thrust, then gyrates his hips

from side to side until his dangling attachment has enough swing to reach

his hand, whereupon he proceeds to whisk the three teas, liquid flying

everywhere>

LISTER <with emphasis>

So, um, Kryten - now that you've had time to think, what about that curry

hunt to the 22nd century?

KRYTEN

Ooh, I meant to mention that, yes. I over-reacted yesterday; on

reflection, I think it'd be quite safe.

CAT

Safe?

RIMMER

What about causality?

KRYTEN

Causality? Well, okay, you know, one event causes another, okay, but

sometimes, you just gotta say: "The laws of time and space? Who gives a

smeg!"

<As LISTER begins to speak, KRYTEN takes what is obviously a cigarette

from the packet and lights up>

LISTER

Okay, I think what Kryten's trying to say is --

CAT <pointing, amazed, at KRYTEN>

You're smoking!

KRYTEN

Oh, is my generator overheating again?

RIMMER

A cigarette!

KRYTEN <confused>

Do you want one?

RIMMER

Of course I don't want one!

KRYTEN

Do you want me to go outside?

LISTER <hurriedly changing the subject>

I think what Kryten's trying to say is that it's okay to go back in time,

and order a small lake's worth of vindaloo to go. Isn't that right?

KRYTEN

You bet your ass!

LISTER

Okay, so lets navigate those unreality bubbles and do it! Kryten, can I

have a word...

[Exit LISTER, leading KRYTEN by the groinal attachment into...>

[-- 13 - Int. Starbug galley ----------------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN, LISTER enter]

LISTER

What is *wrong* with you? You don't smoke, you never say "bet your ass",

and you never use your groinal attachment to stir anybody's tea!

KRYTEN

I didn't get any error commands!

LISTER

Because you've got no behaviour protocols, you spammy! Now get a grip

or we'll be rumbled.

<LISTER punctuates with KRYTEN's egg whisk, of which KRYTEN gives a defiant

spin>

[Exit LISTER]

KRYTEN

So uptight!

[-- 14 - Int. A corridor aboard the Gemini 12 -----------------------------]

[Enter KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, CAT, the latter two in spacesuits. They pick

their way through a decaying and decrepit corridor]

<KRYTEN leads the group, enthusiastically humming an in-your-face type of

song>

[Exit KRYTEN]

RIMMER

What is wrong with that demented Tonka toy now?

LISTER

He's got a bit of a bio-glitch in his transponder calibrations. It's only

temporary.

[-- 15 - Int. Gemini Engine Room ------------------------------------------]

[They arrive in a small, box-shaped room. On the back wall is a big gash

which offers a panoramic view of the planet around which the Gemini 12

orbits. A bank of machinery is fitted on another wall of the room]

[ALL present]

LISTER

Heyyy, Mr. Timedrive.

[Somehow, probably the result of another inter-dimensional anomaly, the

Time Drive has become a handheld unit, which LISTER now hands to KRYTEN]

LISTER

Okay Kryten, we want the Taj Mahal Tandoori Restaurant behind the JMC

building in London. Back table; quiet.

KRYTEN

I'll need a moment to acquaint myself with the controls -

RIMMER

But you've used it before?

KRYTEN

Have I?

KRYTEN

Oh, yes, of course I have. Sorry. How stupid of me. <ahem> Just

programming it now, matey boy.

[-- 16 - OB. Day. Broadway in an American city ----------------------------]

[MONTAGE: Crowds pack the street and the surrouding buildings, cheering and

waving, tickertape filling the air. A large entourage is rolling down the

street, police and security vehicles surrounding a black, open-top limo

which has small flags fluttering from its fenders. A well-dressed man sits

in the back seat with his attractive wife to his left, both waving at the

crowds.

Scene cuts to a man, alone in a storeroom of some kind. He has a gun; a

high-power rifle, into which he loads a round. He takes careful and steady

aim at the man in the car, and looses two shots in quick succession. Panic

breaks out below; security men rush towards the limo, while the man quickly

re-loads.

He aims his third shot, but just before he fires, four bolts of crackling

red lightning coalesce into the forms of four people. Two are dressed in

silver spacesuits; one a strange chunky costume; the last in a

comparitively normal uniform.

One of the spacesuited figures steps back to catch his balance, knocking

the gunman head first out of the window and sending his third shot wild.

LISTER and CAT remove their helmets, ALL oblivious to the recently departed

gunman.]

RIMMER <sarcastically>

Nice landing, Kryten - that was about as smooth as an Egyptian whiskey.

KRYTEN

Apologies, sir, I'm - ah, I'm not sure what I did then.

LISTER

This isn't right, where are we?

KRYTEN <consulting device>

Well, according to the Time Drive, the date is November the 22nd, 1963,

and we're in the city of Dallas.

CAT

How come? Gimme that thing!

<The gunman, who managed to grab the sill of the window while falling, is

trying to climb back up. SHOT: fingertips inching over the sill>

CAT

I've always been a bit of a technical whiz when it comes to these kinds

of gizmos...

<Cat bangs the drive off the open window which drops down and traps the

gunman's fingers>

CAT

Hmm, Dallas, '63 - no doubt about it.

[Scene cuts to outside the building]

<FX: Sirens wail are wailing in the street below. After freeing his

fingers, the gunman climbs up onto the ledge and tries to raise the window>

[Cut back inside]

LISTER

Dallas? Wasn't that that place where that American king got assassinated?

RIMMER

JFK.

LISTER

No, it was John something - not 'Jeff Kay'...

RIMMER

J - F - K, not 'Jeff Kay', you gimboid; like the airport. I did a paper

on him at school.

LISTER

I wonder why anyone would want to name their kid after an airport?

RIMMER

The airport was named *after* the president.

LISTER

All right!

[Scene again cuts to outside the building]

<FX: Sirens, crowd. The gunman inches along the wall to the right of the

jammed window, bending to try two more but failing to open them. As he

straightens up he almost loses his footing, and after calming himself he

pulls some cable running along the wall under the windows and ties it

around himself>

[Cut back to interior]

CAT

Where did this gunman dude shoot from anyway?

KRYTEN

Well, if my histo-chip serves me correctly, the gunman's location was in

the 'Texas Book Depository'.

<As CAT wanders away, KRYTEN suddenly does a double take as he notices the

floor to ceiling piles of boxes stamped: 'Texas Book Depository'>

[Cut to Ext.]

<The gunman inches back past the jammed window towards a second open window

further along, which is in the same room as the one the Dwarfers stand in>

[Cut back to Int.]

RIMMER

It was probably from this very window!

LISTER

What, do you reckon?

<Lister opens the window that Lee Harvey Oswald shot from and peers out,

just as Oswald climbs through the other window. Lister notices the cable

and tugs on it experimentally>

LISTER

Hey, what's this?

Hey, there's something on the end of this, giz a hand!

<Oblivious to the man just across the room from them, the Dwarfers tug on

the cable, pulling Oswald back out of the window and Lister with him>

LISTER

Pull, everyone, or I'm in trouble!

<The Dwarfers each take hold of the cable as in tug-of-war, but they are

still yanked forward. Lister piles into the raised window panes, the

others colliding with each other, and loses his grip on the cable.

Unbeknown to the Dwarfers, Oswald falls five stories down to street level>

LISTER <recovering and peering out of the window with the others>

Hey, what's going on down there? What're all those people doing gathered

around that giant pizza?

KRYTEN

That is *not* a giant pizza, sir.

LISTER

It's 8 foot across, man - don't you think that's giant? What kind of

pizza house have you been going to? 'The FatBastoria'?

CAT

Hey, look at this!

<Cat has found the rifle dropped by Oswald. The others seperate and Cat

brings the rifle with him as he looks down at the street>

CAT

I think we just pulled the gunman out of the window!

<As the implications begin to sink in to the Dwarfers, the door to their

room suddenly bursts open and two armed men, one a policeman, the other in

a suit, charge in.>

MAN

FBI! Drop the gun!

CAT

Don't shoot!

FBI AGENT

Hands on heads!

<LIATER, RIMMER and KRYTEN follow instructions, CAT however covers the much

more important groinal area>

FBI AGENT

You are hereby charged with the murder of Lee Harvey Oswald, who valiantly

tried to foil your attempt to assassinate the president. Thanks to

Mr. Oswald, the president is alive but wounded.

COP <spotting the Time Drive>

What is that? Some kind of weapon? Kick it over here!

<KRYTEN moves to comply, but instead deftly taps commands into the unit with

his boot. Red lightning carries their forms from where they, and after a

moment of confusion, the two armed men level their guns and fire, bullets

breezing through the recently vacated air with only milliseconds to spare.

To the side of the astounded officers, a spacesuit helmet carelessly left

on a box also crackles with lightning and disappears - the officers

succeeding only in slamming bullets into box which supported the helmet.

The perspective shifts. It's the same room, but the FBI agent and the cop

are gone.>

LISTER

Ohhhh! Nice one, Kryts.

RIMMER

Where are we?

KRYTEN <examining Time Drive>

It says 1966, I must have prodded us forward three years.

RIMMER

At least it'll give us time to analyse the original error.

<CAT, having ascertained that it is now safe to uncover his wedding tackle,

crosses to the window and looks out>

CAT

Hey, there's nobody here, the entire city's deserted...

[-- 17 - OB. Day. A deserted, abandoned street ----------------------------]

[ALL present. They are walking slowly along a wide, pleasant street which

is completely devoid of any signs of life. Abandoned vehicles line the

side of the road, and a breeze blows old litter around. In the back of one

of the cars is an discarded newspaper - its headline reads: "Millions flee

from American cities". It's like a scene from The Stand]

LISTER

I don't understand it, all we did is save Kennedy's life.

CAT

Is that bad? What kind of a dude was he?

RIMMER

He was a fine man.

[-- 18 - OB. Day. A deserted, abandoned street ----------------------------]

[Scene cuts to a street further on in the city. All is the same as in the

previous street, with one exception: the dead body of a man lies

undisturbed on the pavement]

[ALL enter, CAT leading]

CAT

Look!

LISTER

Can you get anything for us from his scent?

CAT

Male.

Mid-thirties.

RIMMER

It looks like he was trampled to death in some kind of stampede.

<As they speak, KRYTEN notices a crumpled newspaper poking out from the

man's suit. He picks it up and begins to scan it>

KRYTEN

Just processing.

<KRYTEN's eyes flick quickly over the text>

I'll re-route the results through my chest monitor:

[As the others gather around, POV switches to a close up of Kryten's

monitor]

KRYTEN [VO]

"President Kennedy was impeached in 1964 for sharing a mistress with Mafia

boss, Sam Giancana. It was the biggest scandal in American history,

Kennedy was sentenced to three years in an open prison in July, '65.

J. Edgar Hoover became president; he was forced to run by the mob,

who had pictures of him at a transvestite orgy."

LISTER

So America had a president controlled by the Mafia?

KRYTEN [partial VO]

"Soon after the election, the USSR were allowed to install a nuclear base

in Cuba in return for Mafia cocaine trafficking between Cuba and the

States. With a Soviet nuclear base 30 miles from the US mainland, people

fled from all the major cities."

CAT

So am I right in thinking I could get a major nuclear explosion all over

this suit? Cos I'm telling you guys, that stuff does *not* dry clean!

RIMMER

Back to Starbug.

KRYTEN

Starbug isn't there. It doesn't exist.

CAT

What?

RIMMER

How come?

KRYTEN

Er, best guess: Kennedy's impeachment in '64 traumatised the American

nation, allowing the USSR to win the space race. In this reality, it was

probably the Russians who were the first to land on the moon.

CAT

So we're marooned.

LISTER

*How* was I supposed to know that chicken vindaloo was going to cause all

this.

CAT

But you guys said Kennedy was a great pres!

KRYTEN

He was!

RIMMER

He was also an inveterate womaniser; his affairs were legendary. They

never came out when he was alive.

KRYTEN

Every man has his weak spot - his 'Achilles heel'.

RIMMER

Kennedy's was just, higher up.

LISTER

If I'd known this was gonna happen, I'd have had an egg sarnie, and

finished the Cinzano.

Kryten, what've I done, man?

KRYTEN <unconcerned>

Well, you've brought the 20th century to the very brink of extinction,

sir. Gum?

LISTER

What is wrong with you? Where is your compassion? You've got about as much

warmth as a service station chip! That's right, you've no behaviour

protocols, have you.

RIMMER <approaching KRYTEN balefully>

Any you thought causality didn't matter? Every action we take, has

trillions of implications, how come you forgot that?

KRYTEN

Well, I didn't forget, sir, I just didn't *care*. I've got no guilt.

LISTER

Ah. I nicked Kryten's body. That's spare head 2; I removed his guilt

chip.

RIMMER

You, have altered the entire course of civilisation from the 20th century

onwards, you've brought the world to the brink of nuclear war, and worst of

all --

LISTER

I know, I know; I *still* haven't had a curry.

KRYTEN

No, worst of all, the Time Drive has frozen.

RIMMER

Let me see.

Do you think it's because the sub-space conduits have locked with the

transponder calibrations and caused a major tachyon surge that has

overloaded the time matrix?

KRYTEN

Ah, no, sir; I've just been jabbing it too hard.

CAT

So what now?

RIMMER

<sigh> We need to have time to figure out how to unfreeze it. I suggest

we, set up camp here for the night and perhaps *Kryten* can go and look for

some food?

KRYTEN

I'm on my way, sir!

[Exit KRYTEN]

[-- 19 - OB. Night. Around a campfire -------------------------------------]

[LISTER, KRYTEN, RIMMER and CAT present, sitting around a large open fire.

RIMMER is fiddling with the Time Drive while LISTER and CAT, having ditched

their spacesuits, tuck into hefty chunks of meat]

RIMMER

It's hopeless, I can't fix it. We're trapped...

CAT

Chicken's good.

LISTER

Yeah, really good.

KRYTEN

That's not chicken, sir.

CAT

Oh, what is it?

KRYTEN

It's that man we found.

<LISTER and CAT suddenly stop chewing, their mouthfuls of meat turning to

poison...>

Well, it seemed such a waste to leave him lying there when he'd barbecue

so beautifully.

RIMMER

KRYTEN

Did I do wrong? I didn't get any error commands...

Obviously I thought about it, because without my guilt chip or moral

imperatives, I have nothing to guide me. But it seemed to me that if

humanoids eat chicken then obviously they'd eat their own species; otherwise

they'd just be picking on the chicken.

RIMMER <highly amused>

One minute you're down, the next you're right back up again.

LISTER

I said I was enjoying that!

CAT <abosutely horrified>

I knew it didn't smell right! Oh my god...

LISTER

I'm a cannibal!

<Unexpectedly, blips suddenly issue forth from the Time Drive down by the

fire. It's obviously 'thawed out'>

RIMMER

Look!

CAT

Right, lets get out of here! I badly need to floss a piece of roasted

dead person out of my teeth!

RIMMER

Where to?

KRYTEN

Hawaii. Let's catch some surf!

LISTER

No, no, we've got to go back; stop ourselves from interfering with the

assassination.

CAT

I don't care where we go, just as long as it's before we had dinner!

[-- 20 - Fifth-floor storeroom inside the Texas Book Depository -----------]

[ALL present, sat together around a box of books playing poker. Tense music

plays, and a clock on the wall shows the time as 1:27pm.]

[Enter OSWALD]

<KRYTEN, with his back to the would-be gunman, shields the angles of his

head with one hand. Oswald, upon spotting the Dwarfers, uses the long case

he carries on his shoulder to awkwardly cover his face>

CAT

Decorators. Try up on the sixth floor.

[Exit OSWALD]

KRYTEN

Stand back, sir, our original selves are about to beam in. When they

realise their mistake they'll beam out again. I propose *we* go down to the

fourth.

[-- 21 - Fourth-floor storeroom inside the Texas Book Depository ----------]

[ALL enter. A room very similar to that up on the fifth.]

LISTER

First shot!

<...a second and third shot rings out. Again, there is noise and commotion

from the street below>

[Cut POV to outside of building, looking at the Dwarfers at the window]

CAT

It doesn't smell right, I think he's missed!

RIMMER

How come?

KRYTEN

He's right, sir. By sending Oswald up to the sixth, we've made the

trajectory of his shot so steep he's only wounded him.

RIMMER

Let's start again, and bring him back down to the fifth.

LISTER

We can't use the fifth: our original selves are destined to beam in there

as he fires his third shot, and this version of us are now on the fourth.

CAT

We've been copied more times than that poster of the tennis girl

scratching her butt.

LISTER <scanning the street from out of the window>

If we could arrange, somehow, for a second gunman to fire from just behind

that little hill over there covered in lawn...

KRYTEN

You mean the, er, the grassy knoll, sir?

LISTER

That'd solve it, wouldn't it?

CAT

Shoot the pres?? Who?

RIMMER

You can count me out.

CAT

And me.

[Cut to inside of room]

LISTER

Hang on... maybe, just maybe there's someone who can get us out of this

mess.

RIMMER

Where are we going?

LISTER

Idlewild airport, July, '65...

[-- 22 - OB. Day - A runway at Idlewild airport ---------------------------]

<We see a handcuffed JFK being led down the stairs from a plane and loaded

into the back of a prison truck. As police lock up the truck, the

Dwarfers beam in, nearby the stationary aircraft.>

[ALL present]

LISTER

This is right. He's being escorted to Hoover open prison in New York.

Give me *five minutes*.

<LISTER manipulates the drive, and the red lightning beams him out]

[-- 23 - Int. JFK's prison truck ------------------------------------------]

[JFK present]

[Enter LISTER, beamed in by the Time Drive to the bench seat opposite JFK]

LISTER

Don't be alarmed, sir, but I have a very strange tale to tell.

[FADE. Time passes. Picture returns as Kennedy is speaking]

JOHN F. KENNEDY

I, ah, have had plenty of time to reflect on my deeds in the Whitehouse.

In all important respects I believe I did a good job. It was right to plan

a pull out of Vietnam, to fight for civil rights, and, ah, to fight

congress, ah, to put a man on the moon. It was, ah, wrong however, to, ah,

act like an irresponsible jackass with all those women, and allow my enemies

to wreak havoc on our nation.

LISTER

But I can help, man. I mean, Mr. President, man. I mean, sir.

KENNEDY

How, ah, can you help?

LISTER

Well, come with us back to Dallas, November 1963, be a second gunman. The

gunman behind the grassy knoll.

KENNEDY

You mean, assassinate myself?

LISTER

Yeah! It'll drive the conspiracy nuts crazy, but they'll never figure it

out.

KENNEDY

But I, ah, still have a future here. Jackie left me, but, ah, when I get

out I can, ah, still make a contribution to the world.

LISTER

See this airport, Idlewild airport? In our reality they renamed it 'JFK',

after you. Where I come from you're a liberal icon, and that's the person

you should be. If you're gonna be that person, you're gonna have to

sacrifice your life.

KENNEDY

And only then will my reputation be restored in history?

LISTER

Mm. And I can get a smeggin' curry.

KENNEDY <distantly>

Ask not what your country can do for you... ask what you can do for your

country.

LISTER

Hey, that'd make a pretty neat speech, that.

KENNEDY

It did. Heh heh.

[-- 24 - OB. Day. Behind the grassy knoll in Dallas, 1963 -----------------]

[All present. JFK present, he and KRYTEN dressed in policeman's uniforms]

<JFK swallows the last of his bottle of Coke, and sets it down. LISTER

hands him what looks like an M-16 rifle, and nods towards the street

meaningfully>

[MONTAGE. We see the parade roll through the main street once again; Oswald

lining up his shot from the sixth floor of the Texas Book Depository and

JFK tracking his own vehicle as it moves slowly down the road. Oswald

fires his first two shots, wounding the president as before. This time,

however, Kennedy himself takes aim from the grassy knoll - firing his shot

moments after Oswald's third, and leaving what would turn out to be a nasty

mess on Jackie O's suit...

Kennedy lowers the gun and turns away, clearly disturbed, but unreadable

beyond that]

KENNEDY

I, ah, thank you all for giving me the opportunity to, ah, be reborn.

<JFK walks slowly away from them towards a line of parked cars. After a

short time, he fades from reality. The Dwarfers turn away, leaning against

a high fence that looks out onto the street>

LISTER

Smeg! I forgot to ask if there are any curry houses in Dallas!

<CAT, RIMMER and KRYTEN exchange glances. CAT makes a subtle gesture with

his head and KRYTEN nods; after all, there's only so much you can take of

one person... CAT turns and walks behind LISTER, whistling innocently.

As RIMMER turns to follow him, he suddenly grabs LISTER and pulls him to

the ground - the three of them quickly laying into the curry-deprived one

with everything they've got. The nightstick that Kryten carries come in

particularly useful...>

[------------------------- END OF "TIKKA TO RIDE" -------------------------]

[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor;

no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms

and corrections welcomed at "raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk". Thanks.]

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