Transcribed by Mik Stevens

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

         RED DWARF Series VI Episode 3, "Gunmen of The Apocalypse"

1 Ext. Dockside. Black And White.

The city:  unknown.  The time:  midnight.  A bell tolls mournfully in the
distance, and waves lap against the side of the docks.  A staccato rap of
heels sounds   through the fog, growing steadily louder, until a woman
steps through the mists into the harsh glare of the streetlights.  She is
carrying two heavy suitcases;  she drops these and stands, silently
waiting.  A black '38 Bentley glides to a  stop a few metres away, and a
detective steps out.  As he approaches her, he  draws out a packet of
cigarettes.

DETECTIVE: Maybe it's the moonlight but I've got to admit you're looking
  pretty good for a corpse.

He lights the cigarrete, and the light from the match throws his features
into  sharp illumination; DAVE LISTER

LORETTA: Philip, I can explain everything.
LISTER: Let me save you the trouble.  It was you that planned Pallisters
  murder, but your twin sister Maxine squibbed him off.  You decided to
  take the rap, knowing you had the perfect alibi in me.  That's why you
  came on so strong that night:  Play me for the dumb sap I am.
LORETTA: Philip, it wasn't like that, not with you.
LISTER: Oh yeah?
LORETTA: So what you going to do, turn me in?  Watch me do the sit down
  dance in the electric chair at Sing Sing?
LISTER: No, sweetlips, I'm gonna let you kiss me.

2 Int. Starbug Ops Room.

LISTER is wearing a Artificial Reality Headset and grinding his hips
rythmically, fumbling at an imaginary bra strap and sticking his tounge
down an imaginary throat.  KRYTEN walks into the Ops Room at this moment.

KRYTEN: Sir I think you should come and take a look at this.

LISTER continues to fumble at the straps.

KRYTEN: Sir it really is quiet urgent.
LISTER: I want you Loretta, I want you body next to mine.  I want you
  like you were that Tuesday night.  Kiss me.
KRYTEN: Honestly, you haven't been off this machine in a month!

3 Ext. Dockside. Black And White.

Philip (LISTER) and LORETTA are still stood on the dock.

LORETTA: Philip, I don't understand.
LISTER: It's simple Loretta, this isn't real, it's an AR computer
  simulation game.  I'm supposed to hand you over to the cops and wind up
  with the goody-goody heroine.  I've played it before.  It's just that
  you drive me wild.  You're the sexiest computer sprite I've ever seen.
LORETTA: Ohh Philip.
LISTER: I don't care that you've killed three men...
LORETTA: Five.
LISTER:  ...whatever.  It's not your fault, it's the way you're
  programmed.
LORETTA: So you take me for what I am - a pyschopathic, scizophrenic,
  serial killing femme fatale?
LISTER: Forgive and forget, that's what I say.

4 Int. Starbug Ops Room.

In Starbug KRYTEN is accessing the AR console to enter the game.  The
game's name - "Gumshoe" - is shown on the console and KRYTEN is asked to
select a character.

KRYTEN: Choose you chracter.  OHHHGGHHH, honestly, I just want to talk to
  him.  Ohhh anything, Sammy the Squib, crack shot with Tommy gun,
  engage.  Ohhh, it's so frivolous!

KRYTEN enters the game as his snaps down his headset.

5 Ext. Dockside. Black And White.

KRYTEN: Mr Lister sir ??

The Black Bentley from earlier is still on the dockside.  The suspension
is rocking backwards and forwards making a squeaking noise.

KRYTEN: Hmmm, curious.

KRYTEN Knocks on the car's rear window.  LISTER winds down the window and
puts his head out.

LISTER: Hi Kryten.  What are you doing here?
KRYTEN: Sir, I've just got the results of the chemical scan, I've
  discovered minute amounts of millenium oxide in the local vicinity.
LISTER: Couldn't be more pleased for you.  See you in an hour.
KRYTEN: Sir, I believe we've wandered accidentally into a rogue simulant
  hunting zone.  That would explain the devastation on the derelicts
  where we picked up this very game.
LORETTA: Philip, who is it?

LORETTA sticks her head of the car.

LORETTA: Ohhh, it's Sammy the Squib.
KRYTEN: Orrrhh, good evening Miss.
LORETTA: Don't kill me Sammy, I'll do anything, kill him.  I'll come away
  with you Sammy, it'll be just like the old days.  I never stopped
  loving you Sammy.  Kiss me.
LISTER: You're trash, aren't you?
LORETTA: I'm programmed to be trash.
LISTER: I can't resist her Kryten, get back in the car.  I never fall for
  women who are any good for me Kryten, it's either heartbreakers or
  moral garbage on legs.
KRYTEN: Sir, you have to turn off the AR console.  We have to close down
  and continue on silent running in order to avoid detection.
LISTER: 10 minutes.
KRYTEN: Sir.
LISTER: 5 minutes, I'll keep my hat on.
KRYTEN: Now.
LORETTA: Philip?
LISTER: I'll be back sweetlips.  Stay bad.

LISTER and KRYTEN clap hands and leave the game.

6 Int. Starbug Ops Room.

They both remove their game helmets.

LISTER: Kryten, you are a total gooseberry.  Next time I play on the AR
  machine I'm going to give you some money and send you to the pictures.

7 Int. Starbug Cockpit.

RIMMER and CAT are standing and sat respectively.  There is a powering
down noise and all the lights dim.

RIMMER: At last, we have silent running.  OK, long range scanners are
  down - the only early warning we've got is you.  Stay alert.
CAT: OK bud, I'll keep my nose peeled.

8 Int. Starbug Mid-section.

RIMMER enters from the cockpit whilst LISTER and KRYTEN come down from
the Ops Room above via the stairs.

RIMMER: You took your time.  Where've you been?
LISTER: I was in the AR machine.
RIMMER: Again??
LISTER: What'd you mean again?
RIMMER: Everyone knows you only use the AR machine to have sex.
LISTER: That is not true.
RIMMER: Yes, true.  It's pathetic watching you grind away day after day.
  It's like a dog that's missing it's masters leg.  That groinal
  attachment's supposed to have a lifetimes gurantee, you've worn it out
  in nearly three weeks.
LISTER: That is an outrageous scandalous piece of libel.  I don't just
  play the role play games.  What about the sporting simulations?  Like
  zero-gee kick boxing and Wimbledon.
RIMMER: You only play Wimbledon cos you're having it off with that jail
  bait ball girl.
LISTER: Is another total lie.  She's not jail bait, she's seventeen.
RIMMER: Lister, she's a computer sprite, and surely that's the point;
  she's just a load of pixels.
LISTER: Yeah, but what pixels!

9 Int. Starbug Cockpit.

CAT and KRYTEN are sitting at the controls.  LISTER enters, followed bv
RIMMER.

LISTER: What's all the hullabaloo?
CAT: We've wandered into rouge simulant country.
KRYTEN: Bio-mechanical killers created for a war that never took place.
  Some of them escaped the dismantelling programme and now they prowl
  around deep space searching for a quarry worthy of their mettle.
RIMMER: I say we should abandon the pursuit of Red Dwarf and flee from
  the zone.
LISTER: Give up the chase?  Are you kidding?
CAT: Wait, my nose is getting something.
KRYTEN: Powering up.
RIMMER: Scanners report a battle class cruiser on intercept.
KRYTEN: It's rougue simulants all right.
RIMMER: Recommend immediate total and unequivical surrender.
KRYTEN: Sir, surrender is the worst thing we could do.  They despise
  humans and all forms of humanoid life.  They believe you to be the
  vermin of the universe sir.  (Looking at LISTER).
CAT: I didn't know they'd met him.
KRYTEN: Getting a message.  Punching it up.

A face appears on KRYTEN's screen.

SIMULANT CAPTAIN: State your species and purpose.
RIMMER: One of us will have to speak to them.  Who's the least human
  looking?  Listy, the mike's all yours.
LISTER: Wait a minute.  I've got an idea.  Stall them with static.
  Kryten mid-section.  Cat, you too.

The three move through to the mid-section.

SIMULANT CAPTAIN: (On monitor) Why do you delay?  State your species and
  purpose.  You have one minute.
RIMMER: Lister, what the hell are you doing?
LISTER: Wait a minute, nearly ready... OK, stand by to transmit.

10 Int. Simulant Ship. Dark.

The cockpit of the simulant ship.  Two simulants, the Captain and a
lieutanant, are at their controls.

SIMULANT LIEUTENANT: Incoming.

The monitor comes to life.  What appears to be a strange alien life form
comes on screen.  It is, in fact, the bottom half of LISTER's face, shot
upside down below the nose.  Taped to his chin is one of  Kryten's
eyeball's.

LISTER: I am Tarka Dall, an ambassador of the great Vindaloovian Empire.
SIMULANT CAPTAIN: Scanners report a human life on your vessel.  Is this
  so?
LISTER: Humans!  (spit) The Vindaloovian People despise all humans.  They
  are the vermin of the Universe.  Is that not right Bindi Baji?

The screen pans to CAT, who is in the same disguise.

CAT: You bet, we hate them.  Scum, scum, scum, scum, scum!
LISTER: The Vinadloovian Empire is pledged to exterminate them all.

11 Int. Mid-section.

RIMMER walks through from the cockpit just as the SIMULANT CAPTAIN beams
aboard Starbug.  LISTER and CAT, bent backwards over the scanner table,
are not in any position to notice him, and neither is KRYTEN, whose eyes
they are using.

LISTER: We will not rest until out task is completed.
RIMMER: Errrrrr, Lister.

LISTER and CAT sit up from the scanning table.

LISTER: Hi.
CAT: How's it going Bud ?

LISTER and CAT hand the eyeballs back to KRYTEN, who screws them in.

SIMULANT CAPTAIN: A human, a humanoid, a hologrammatical human and a
  mechanoid who is a slave to humans.  I had hoped for so much more.
RIMMER: I've no idea who you are, but boarding this vessel is an act of
  war.  Ergo, we surrender.  And as prisoners of war I invoke the All
  Nations Agreement article number 39436175880932/B.
KRYTEN: 39436175880932/B.  "All nations attending the conference are only
  allocated one parking space".  Is that entirely relevant, sir?  I mean,
  here we are in mortal danger, and you're worried about the Chinese
  delegates bringing two cars?
RIMMER: Can't you let just one go?  I was talking about the right of P-O-
  W's to non-violent constraint.
KRYTEN: But that's 75880932/C, sir.
RIMMER: It's embarrassing as much as anything else.  Here you are totally
  humiliating me in front of this xenophobic, genocidal maniac...... no
  offence.
SIMULANT CAPTAIN: Primitive!  You will be no sport at all.  I have no
  alternative.

The SIMULANT CAPTAIN shoots RIMMER, KRYTEN, LISTER and CAT before they
can move.  They all slump to the ground.

12 Int. Starbug Cockpit.

The crew awaken in the Starbug's cockpit, sat at their controls.

RIMMER: How long have we been out?
LISTER: According to the navicomp, three weeks.
KRYTEN: Strange.. the drive interface has been upgraded, and so have the
  engines.
RIMMER: And if this readout is correct, we've been armed.  Laser cannons.
LISTER: They've totally upgraded the whole ship.
CAT: They've even got rid of the squeak on the seat tilt control.

The SIMULANT CAPTAIN's face appears on the monitor.

SIMULANT CAPTAIN: We have made some improvements to your craft.  Now at
  least you may prove to be of some small amusement.
SIMULANT LIEUTENANT: You have two Earth minutes before we attack.
RIMMER: Let's get out of here.
CAT: Wait, I know this game.  It's called cat and mouse, and there's only
  one way to win; don't be the mouse.
LISTER: What are you saying?
CAT: I'm saying, the mouse never wins.  Not unless you believe those
  lying cartoons.  We don't run, we strike.  It's the last thing they'll
  be expecting.
RIMMER: No, the last thing they'll be expecting is for us to turn into
  ice skating mongooses and to dance the Bolero.  And your plan makes
  about as much sense.
LISTER: I say go with it.
KRYTEN: Agreed.
CAT: You're going to go with one of my plans?  Are you nuts?  What
  happens if we all get killed?  I'll never hear the last of it!

13 Model Shot.

Starbug pivots in flight and fires it's new laser cannons into the side
of the simulant ship.

14 Int. Simulant Ship.

The simulants look worried.

SIMULANT CAPTAIN: What are they doing?  Power up the weapons!

15 Int. Starbug Cockpit.

LISTER: Nailed them.

16 Int. Simulant Ship.

SIMULANT LIEUTENANT: Fluke hit.
SIMULANT CAPTAIN: Take them with us.
SIMULANT LIEUTENANT: Can't return fire.
SIMULANT CAPTAIN: Hack into their navigation computer.  Transmit the
  Armageddon Virus.

17 Int. Stabug cockpit.

The Navicomp starts to spark.

LISTER: What is it ?
KRYTEN: The navicomp, something's wrong.
SIMULANT CAPTAIN: (On screen) See you in Silicon Hell.

18 Model Shot.

The simulant ship explodes.

19 Int. Starbug Cockpit.

KRYTEN: Shutdown all network links.  The navicomp has been infected with
  a virus.
LISTER: The navicomp has frozen us out, we're locked on this course.  If
  we carry on ahead at this speed, how long before we hit trouble?
RIMMER: Well if you define trouble as a rather large moon directly in our
  path, about 38 minutes.
KRYTEN: Sir, the only solution is for me to contract the virus myself,
  analyze it's structure and attempt to create a software antidote before
  it wipes out my core program.  Do I have your permission to sacrifice
  myself, sirs?
RIMMER: Do Lemmings like cliffs?  Granted!
KRYTEN: I am going to have to create a dove program.
CAT: Dove program?
KRYTEN: A dove program spreads peace through the system, obliterating the
  viral cells as it goes.

KRYTEN puts on head sensors and contracts the virus from the navicomp.

KRYTEN: The virus is extremely complex.  I will have to dedicate all my
  run time to its solution.  Shutting down all non essential systems.
LISTER: Is there anything we can do?  Can we help?
KRYTEN: Watch my dreams.

20 Int. Ops Room..

KRYTEN lies on the medi-bed whilst the others are gathered round him.

RIMMER: 23 minutes to impact.  Any change?
LISTER: Getting worse.  Weaker and weaker.
RIMMER: Look, sooner or later we are going to have to face the fact that
  we are not all going to get out of this in one piece.  Or if we are,
  it's going to one big flat piece.
LISTER: And?
RIMMER: It's time we decided who's going to take the one man escape pod.
CAT: How?
RIMMER: Well, if you'll just bear with me, I think I've devised a fair
  and equitable system of choosing who should survive.  It's based on
  age, rank, seniority, usefulness, and to cut a long story short, it's
  me.  I was a stunned as you are, which is why I demanded a recount.
  Well, blow me if it didn't come out as me again.  Keys.
LISTER: Rimmer, the escape pod is not an option.
RIMMER: Why not?
LISTER: It escaped last Thursday.  I was having a few beers, I couldn't
  be bothered moving so I used the release mechanism as a bottle opener.
  Whhoossshhh.
RIMMER: That's it then, we're finished.
CAT: Wait, we're getting something.

21 Ext. Streets Of Laredo. Day.

The monitor clears and KRYTEN is shown, dressed as a Sheriff in an 1800's
Western town.  He is drunk.  He throws an empty whisky bottle away before
pausing before a wanted poster of the Apocalypse boys and entering a
saloon.

22 Int. Ops Room.

CAT: What is this?
LISTER: I think we've tapped directly into whatever passes for Kryten's
  sub-concious.
CAT: Why's he a Sheriff in some old western?
LISTER: Must be how his core program is coping with the battle against
  the virus.  For whatever reason it's converted the struggle into some
  kind of dream.

23 Int. Saloon. Day.

Busy.  A PIANO PLAYER plays a honky tonk version of Red Dwarf theme:
KRYTEN enters  and tries to steer his way towards the bar.  He passes
JIMMY - a smooth oaf,  playing cards with some unruly COWPOKES.

JIMMY: Well, well, well sheriff, fancy seeing a man of your sober
  disposition in a low down drinking establishemnt.
KRYTEN: Now, now boys, I don't want any trouble.  Just doing my rounds.

As KRYTEN steps toward the bar JIMMY trips him up.

KRYTEN: You shouldn't ought to have done that Jimmy.

There is a scrape of stools and tables and JIMMY stands, hands on guns.

JIMMY: Why don't you try it, Sheriff.  They say you used to be faster
  than a toilet stop in rattlesnake country.
KRYTEN: Sorry I tripped over your boot there Mr Jimmy sir.  Arrrhhheeemm.
  Didn't mean any harm by it.

KRYTEN turns to the bar.

KRYTEN: Give me two fingers of your best sipping liquor, Miss Lola, and
  make it the smooth stuff.  The stuff where you get your eyesight back
  after two days.  Guaranteed.
JIMMY: The Apocalypse boys is here.  They's asking for you, Sheriff.
KRYTEN: I'll be right out.

KRYTEN takes numerous gulps of whisky before leaving the saloon to face
the Apocalypse boys on the porch.

24 Ext. Streets Of Laredo. Day.

The FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE sit menacingly on horseback outside
the saloon.  The bat-wing doors part and a nervous KRYTEN emerges
swigging from a bottle of hooch.

KRYTEN: I don't believe I've had the pleasures, sirs.

DEATH spits out some chewing tobacco, which fizzles on the street like
acid.

DEATH: The name's Death.  And these here're my brothers.  Brother War...

WAR laughs and flames shoot out of his mouth.

DEATH: Brother Famine...

Fat FAMINE nods and takes a bite of chicken.

DEATH: and Brother Pestilence.

PESTILENCE grins, showing horrible broken teeth.  He swipes idly at the
swarm of buzzing flies around his head.

KRYTEN: Well, you seem like a nice neighbourly bunch of boys.  How can I
  be of service?

All FOUR APOCALYPSE BOYS draw, shooting KRYTEN's hat off, and his bottle
from his  hand, as he dances around trying to avoid the hail of bullets.
Finally the  gunfire stops.

DEATH: We want your sorry ass out of here.  You got one hour.

DEATH spits a sizzler again, and THE FOUR HORSEMEN turn and gallop under
a dangling sign:  'YOU ARE NOW LEAVING EXISTENCE', and as the HORSEMEN
ride under it, they disappear.  KRYTEN takes off his sheriff's star and
throws it on the ground.

25 Int. Ops Room.

LISTER: He's losing the battle.  Look at his lifesigns, they're barely
  registering.
CAT: Isn't there some way we can get in there and help him?  Somehow turn
  ourselves into tiny electronic people and get into his dream?  Isn't
  there some sort of gizmo lying around someplace that can do that?  And
  if not (punches hand) why not?!
RIMMER: Look, I think we've all got something we can bring to this
  discussion.  But I think from now on the thing you should bring is
  silence.
LISTER: No, no, no, I think he's got something.
CAT: Twice in one lifetime!  When you're hot, you're hot.
LISTER: If we link up the artificial reality console to Kryten's mind, we
  should be able to project directly into his dream state like it was a
  normal computer game.
CAT: What did I tell you?  We don't even have to leave the room!
RIMMER: What about me?
LISTER: We'll shut all extraneous systems and power up your hard light
  drive.  Come on guys, lets get these wagons rolling.

26 Int. Ops Room. Later.

LISTER, CAT and RIMMER are gathered round the AR console making
selections on the screen.

LISTER: There we go, I've loaded in some characters from an AR western
  game.  Choose a  player from 1 to 3.
CAT: Two.

The image and stats of The Riveria Kid are shown on the console.

LISTER: Here you go, you're the Riveria Kid, special skills ace gun
  slinger.  Rimsy?
RIMMER: Uno.

The image and stats of Dan are shown on the screen.

LISTER: One.  Dangerous Dan McGrew,special skills, bare fist fighting.
  Which leaves me with Brett Riverboat, knife man.
RIMMER: And we definitely can't get hurt?
LISTER: No, it's just like a normal computer game, you can get out at
  anytime.  There's a button on the inside of the glove, when you want to
  get out, just clap.  OK, Riveria, OK Dangerous.  Lets mosey on into
  town.

Flipping down the AR visors, they assume horse-riding positions and start
to "gallop".

27 Ext. Streets Of Laredo. Day.

Through a swirling mist LISTER, CAT and RIMMER gallop into town.  They
dismount before the saloon and, tying their horses to the hitching post,
enter through the bat-wing doors.

28 Int. Saloon. Day.

RIMMER: I've seen Westerns, I know how to speak cowboy.

The three step up to the bar.

RIMMER: Dry white wine and Perrier please.  And what about you two chaps?
LISTER: Rimmer, what westerns have you seen?  Butch Accountant and the
  Yuppie Kid?
CAT: Leave this to me, this sounds like one for the Riveria Kid !!!

As CAT speaks his character's name he throws back his hands and dances a
little Mexican dance accompanied by a Spanish Guitar.

CAT: Ehhh, Senorita, tequila porfavore.
LOLA: What?
LISTER: He means three shots of gulping whisky, mam.

CAT and LISTER down their shots in one.  Shocked expressions, hoarse
voices;

LISTER: Very smooth.
CAT: I was expecting something with a little more kick to it.
RIMMER:  (Contemplating his undrunk whisky.) I don't suppose you've got
  any ginger ale mixers.

LOLA spits into RIMMER's face.

RIMMER: I'll take that as a no then, I'll have it neat.

RIMMER downs the whisky, gulping.  The smile freezes on his face.  He
grabs the hat being used as the pot in a card game, and is sick into it.
Music and talk stop.  The owner of the hat stands and looms, making
RIMMER look shorter than a Clint Eastwood speech.  Chairs scrape back
from tables.

BEAR STRANGLER MCGEE: A man beans up in the hat of Bear Strangler Mcgee,
  he's either mighty brave or mighty stupid.  Which are you, boy?
RIMMER: Sorry, what were the choices again?

LISTER hands some money to MCGEE.

LISTER: You'll have to forgive our friend, he's a souple of Gunmen short
  of a posse.
BEAR STRANGLER MCGEE: That pays for the hat.  What about the insult?
RIMMER: OK.  You're a fat bearded git with breath that could knock-out a
  grizzly.
LISTER:  (Shoving the rest of his money into MCGEE's hands.) Take the
  lot, man.  Rimmer, what is wrong with you?
RIMMER: Relax!  You said yourself, Lister, no-one can hurt us.  Besides,
  you're forgetting:  I'm Dangerous Dan McGrew, Bare Fist Fighter Extra-
  ordinaire.

KRYTEN enters the saloon carrying a small wooden box.

KRYTEN: Here Lola, all my valuables are in this here box.  You can have
  it all for one bottle of mind rotter.
LOLA: You're trading in your shooting irons?

The box contains guns and some carrots.

KRYTEN: No use to me.  I've got the shakes so bad, I'm like a couple of
  porcupines on their wedding night.
LOLA: Carrots?
KRYTEN: I'm throwing in my mule, Dignity.
RIMMER: Mr Sad Git or what?

LISTER leans over to KRYTEN.

LISTER: Kryten it's us, man.
KRYTEN: Sorry friend, I don't believe I've had the pleasure.
LISTER: Kryten, don't you know who we are, why you're here?  You're
  fighting an electronic virus, you're trying to create a dove program.
  Some sort of software antidote to wipe it out.
KRYTEN: I'll drink to that.
CAT: Listen to him pooch head, the virus is winning, you've got to get
  your head together and start fighting it.

There is a sudden crack as JIMMY gets the bottle off KRYTEN using a bull
whip.  He then dangles the drink temptingly in front of KRYTEN.

JIMMY: Want a drink Sheriff?  Why don't you come and take one?
KRYTEN: Now now Jimmy, there's no need to be going make me look foolish.
JIMMY: Come on Sheriff, jump!  You can get higher than that!

LISTER steps forward.

LISTER: Leave him alone.
JIMMY: Just having a little fun, Mr Swankypants.
LISTER: The names Brett Riverboat, knifeman.  (whisper) Let's see how
  good you are.

LISTER demonstrates some brilliant knifework by disarming JIMMY and
pinning him to the wall.

JIMMY: Son of a ....

LISTER finishes up by throwing an apple into JIMMY's mouth.

JIMMY: Frank, Nuke, line his lungs with lead.

As the two Gunmen stand up, the CAT steps forward.

JIMMY: Who in the heck are you?
CAT: The call me the Kid, the Riveria Kid!!

Cue the CAT's Riveria Kid dance.

JIMMY: Well, Riveria Kid, let's see if your shooting is a fancy as your
  dancing.

FRANK and NUKE both draw and fire off a shot each.  Back to the CAT, who
casually draws and fires.  There are two mid-air flashes half-way between
the CAT and the GUN_FIGHTERS, and two bullets clatter to the floor.

JIMMY: He shot the damn bullets out of the air!
KRYTEN: Well, it's been mighty dandy meeting you boys, but if I'm not out
  of here by sun-up the buzzards will be fighting the lizards for my
  gizzards.

KRYTEN makes a run for the door.

LISTER: If he leaves town, we're dead.  Stop him!

As the three try to follow KRYTEN from the saloon they are attacked by
some of the patrons.  RIMMER puts his bare fist fighting skills into
practice by beating up the three men.

RIMMER: Marvellous.

RIMMER dusts himself down and leaves the saloon.

29 Ext. Streets OF Laredo. Day.

KRYTEN is running for the town's edge.

CAT: Hey buddy!
RIMMER: Hold it!
LISTER: You gotta stay!
CAT: This is a job for the Riveria Kid!

CAT does the Riviera Kid dance, draws his gun, and fires.  The bullet
hits a tin bath and ricochets across the street, where it hits a bell and
ricochets again.  Wide shot of the street as the bullet zig-zags towards
KRYTEN, finally severing the support on one side of the dangling
'EXISTENCE' sign, which swings down and flattens KRYTEN.  The other three
gather round the fallen mechanoid.

KRYTEN: But boys you don't understand, I've got to leave.  Look (pointing
  at the town clock):  it's ten to Death.
LISTER: OK, we've got ten minutes to sober him up and get him in shape.
  Come on.

30 Int. Sheriff's Office.

RIMMER and LISTER are sat with KRYTEN.

KRYTEN: Sir, I just can't eat anymore raw coffee.
LISTER: Two more bowls.
KRYTEN: But I am sober, honest!
LISTER: OK, who are you and why're you here?
KRYTEN: I'm some kind of robot who's fighting this virus, and none of
  this exists, it's all in a fever, except for you guys, who really do
  exist, only you're not really here, you're really on some space ship in
  the future.  Hell, if that's got to make sense I don't want to be
  sober!

The CAT enters via some stairs.

CAT: I got his guns back, and look at the handles.  They've got little
  doves carved on them, and check this, there's no place for the bullets
  to go.
LISTER: This is it Kryten, the answer's in these guns somehow.  Doves,
  dove program.

The CAT wanders over to the window as KRYTEN looks at the guns.

KRYTEN: Wait, somethings coming back now.  (To Lister.) You sir.
  Whenever I look at you I get an image of curry and early morning breath
  that could cut through bank vaults.  (To Rimmer.) You sir.  There's
  something familiar about you too, I get a name, SmmmEE, SmmEEgGG
  HHHeeeDD.
RIMMER: Smeghead?
KRYTEN: That's it!
RIMMER: He remembers me.
LISTER: The guns Kryten, do the guns mean anything to you?
KRYTEN: Something, they mean something... if only I had more time.
CAT: PSSSTTT, company.

31 Ext. Streets Of Laredo. Day.

The APOCALYPSE BOYS walk slowly through the swirling mists and stop at
the far end of the street.  KRYTEN steps out of the Sheriff's Office
followed by LISTER, RIMMER and CAT.  They fan out across the street.

DEATH: Got yourself a little help there, Sheriff?
KRYTEN: Now I remember you.  You're a computer virus, travelling from
  machine to machine, overwriting the core program.
DEATH: Have infection, will travel:  that's me.  Lets see if we can't tip
  the balance  here a little...

DEATH points his arm to the heavens and a lightning bolt emerges from it.

32 Int. Starbug Ops Room.

The screen of the AR console is shown.  The special skills that the
characters have are being erased.

33 Ext. Streets Of Laredo. Day.

CAT: What is he doing?
RIMMER: He's stalling.  He's spotted us for what we are:  a bunch of mean
  macho bad ass desperados.  We're going to kick his boney butt clean
  across the town.  Enjoy the show.  (To the Apocolypse Boys:) Who's got
  the guts to go with me one on one, hand to hand, mano et mano?

WAR steps forwards.

LISTER: Cover him.

Whilst drawing his guns CAT fumbles them.

CAT: Damn, I've lost my special skills.

RIMMER steps over to a hitching post and tries to lift off the cross bar,
and  fails.  WAR does the same and succeeds.  RIMMER tries again and
still fails.  LISTER also discovers that he has lost his special skills
by throwing his knife over his shoulder.

LISTER: Rimmer, the virus has spread to the AR unit.  We've lost our
  special skills.
RIMMER: Ahhh, Mr War sir, it would appear that due to circumstances
  completely beyond  my control, there's been a bit of a cock up in the
  bravado department.

RIMMER is hit over the head with the wooden cross bar by WAR.

RIMMER: I may indeed have come across as being more brave than in fact I
  am.
LISTER: Exit, exit.

RIMMER attempts to exit the game by clapping his hands, he cannot, he
turns his constant clapping into a castanet dance, before being hit over
the head again by WAR.

LISTER: We're sealed in.
CAT: Get the helmets off.
RIMMER: It won't move.
LISTER: Cat the back.
CAT: I got one of my gloves off..........and a boot too.
RIMMER: Ohh brilliant, now you're paralysed compeletely down your left
  hand side.

34 Int. Starbug mid-section.

CAT is seen trying to wrench LISTER's helmet off.

35 Ext. Laredo.

LISTER: Ohhh, me nose!
CAT: I've almost got it.
LISTER: You're pulling my nose off!
CAT: Here it comes.
LISTER: The helmet's coming off.

36 Int. Starbug Ops Room.

LISTER's helmet comes free.

37 Ext. Streets Of Laredo. Day.

LISTER disapears from the game.  CAT also fades from the game, leaving
only RIMMER to face the Boys.

DEATH: We're gonna cut you up so small the worms aren't even going to
  have to chew.
RIMMER: You can't frighten me, I'm always scared.  LISTERRRRR!

RIMMER fades from the game just as the boys bear down on him to stab him.

38 Int. Starbug Ops Room.

CAT: What now?
LISTER: It's down to Kryten.

39 Ext. Streets OF Laredo. Day.

KRYTEN is left alone on the street to face the GUNMEN.

DEATH: Well Sheriff.  Now it's just little old you.
KRYTEN: I'm not afraid Mr Death sir.  I believe my friends have bought me
  enough time to complete the antidote program.  Now, if you'll forgive
  the rather confrontational imperative, go for your guns you scum
  sucking mollascs.

SLO-MO:  The GUNMEN draw and fire.  Four shots slam into KRYTEN's chest.
He staggers, then straightens, and draws both his guns.  As the guns
leave his holsters they transform into white doves, which soar off into
the sky.  The GUNMEN collapse and slowly fade away.

40 Int. Starbug Ops Room.

KRYTEN comes round in Starbug.

KRYTEN: I did it!  I created an antidote.

The four rush into the cocpit.

41 Int. Cockpit.

LISTER: Two minutes till impact.  Come on!
RIMMER: How long will it take?
KRYTEN: (feverishly typing in commnds.) Just a few seconds.  How long to
  impact?
RIMMER: Just a few seconds.
KRYTEN: Loading it up... it's going into the navicomp.
RIMMER: 8 seconds, 7.
KRYTEN: Nearly there.
CAT: 5, 4, 3 ,2
LISTER: We're not going to make it!
CAT: IMPACT.

42 Model Shot.

Starbug crashes into a sea of lava and disappears.  Silence.  Only a few
bubbles of bursting gas break the surface.

Suddenly, Starbug emerges from the molten lava, it's hull in flames.
Picking up speed, it climbs into the sky at a dizzying angle.

43 Int. Starbug Cockpit.

CAT: YEEEEEEHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA !!!!!!!!!!!!

44 Model Shot.

Starbug flies into the distance and fades from view.


                                  The End.

       Credits:
                                Rimmer  Chris Barrie
                                Lister  Craig Charles
                                   Cat  Danny John-Jules
                                Kryten  Robert Llewellyn
                               Loretta  Jennifer Calvert
                Simulant Captain/Death  Dennis Lill
                   Simulant Lieutenant  Liz Hickling
                                  Lola  Imogen Bain
                                 Jimmy  Steve Devereaux
                                   War  Robert Inch
                            Pestilence  Jeremy Peters
                                Famine  Dinny Powell
                  Bear Strancler McGee  Stephen Marcus

                              Director  Andy De Emmony

                               Writers  Rob Grant
                                        Doug Naylor